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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was I unreasonable to refuse to go an aquarium on welfare grounds

167 replies

pppppppickupapenguin · 08/07/2025 16:59

I’d organised a meet up with my NCT group at a coffee shop in central Birmingham just to have a chat and a drink later this week. After coming out of my baby sensory class, I checked my phone and saw that someone in the group had found 50% off tickets to the Sea Life Centre. Everyone else agreed and booked tickets to meet there instead. The problem is that I have welfare concerns with the penguin enclosure there. Penguins have such a huge range in the wild, but at Birmingham they’re stuck in a small enclosure with no natural light and it honestly upsets me.

So I said that I didn’t want to go to the aquarium because I didn’t like the way the penguins were kept there. If it were a new meet-up suggested I’d have just said I was busy, but I was the one who suggested the date for this so I couldn’t think of a white lie to get out of it after the venue change. There were a few replies saying that it must be fine or it wouldn’t be legal, and someone said they went last year and the penguins looked happy. The group went quiet after that and it feels awkward. I wasn’t trying to judge, but I couldn’t think of a reason why I wouldn’t be able to go other than I had a problem with it so just went with honesty and I’m not sure if I was unreasonable for saying it in the first place and how to smooth it over now.

OP posts:
henlake7 · 08/07/2025 17:02

YANBU. Lots of people have issues with animal attractions in general.
It can make some people feel abit judged though. I usually tell people its just a 'me thing' and leave it at that!

WearyAuldWumman · 08/07/2025 17:05

If it's how you feel, then that's fair enough.

Years ago, my husband's son-in-law said he'd organise tickets to Ascot for us when we were planning to visit. DH told him quite firmly "No." DH hated horse racing for welfare reasons.

When we got there, the SIL grinned and informed us that he'd bought tickets for everyone. DH told them that he wasn't going. SIL protested that he'd already bought them. DH informed the SIL that that was the SIL's problem.

ETA I believe that the technical term for the SIL would be "pr*ck".

MeringueOutang · 08/07/2025 17:11

YANBU. You have found out these are not your people.

Fargo79 · 08/07/2025 17:13

YANBU. It's a perfectly reasonable ethical choice. If they feel judged, as opposed to just accepting your choice, that's on them.

FanofLeaves · 08/07/2025 17:17

Nah, I refused to go to a staff drinks event at London Zoo Nights once because I think those animals put up with enough shit during the day and I don’t see why they need people shrieking and yelling near them at night too. Everyone thought I was nuts 🤣

I’d have sided with you, but then I won’t even go into Pets at Home because it makes me sad, particularly the ‘pre loved’ bunny section and the fact that a real life hamster costs less than a glass of wine at the local pub. It seems so wrong.

MyCyanReader · 08/07/2025 17:17

YANBU to not want to go.

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and feelings.

I upset my ex FIL as I wouldn't eat Foie Gras as the feeding method is barbaric.

I also consider parents who smoke or vape near their kids awful too... (hence don't have friends who would do such a thing).

You'll find lots of the group are happy to overlook things like that. And perhaps the penguins are well looked after? But again that doesn't mean your feelings are wrong.

Hankunamatata · 08/07/2025 17:17

Groups gone quiet and sadly possibly made a side group. You could have easily just said you can't make it

YourUglySister · 08/07/2025 17:19

You’re allowed to not want to go and they’re allowed to want to. Just say you’re not going and plan to attend the next one instead, it doesn’t have to be a drama, everyone likes different things.

Overthebow · 08/07/2025 17:21

I would have just made up a different excuse or said you can no longer go, it sounds like you were being judgy even if you weren’t. I agree with a panther they’ve possibly made a sub group now to discuss this event
as you aren’t going and don’t agree with it.

Fargo79 · 08/07/2025 17:22

Hankunamatata · 08/07/2025 17:17

Groups gone quiet and sadly possibly made a side group. You could have easily just said you can't make it

She addressed this in the OP and clearly explained why that was not a sensible option.

BadSkiingMum · 08/07/2025 17:23

There are lots of events and attractions that I am not too keen on for ethical reasons but I think it becomes slightly different in a parenting context, especially once children are aged two plus and can get so much out of visiting different places.

I remember once my DC not taking part in a themed dress-up day in Reception, as I thought it a bit tacky and age-inappropriate. I didn’t think it would matter, they weren’t interested in the theme and it was all optional anyway. However with hindsight they probably would have enjoyed wearing a costume (only a couple of children were not wearing one) so I should have just got over myself and bought one.

Plus such NCT friendships can be very vulnerable to any sense of judgement!

Spies · 08/07/2025 17:23

You're entitled to your opinion but there were lots of different reasons you could have given for not going, especially when being honest in this situation basically means you implied that they all don't care about the welfare of animals. It comes across as incredibly judgemental and there's not really much to say after that so I'm not surprised they went quiet.

Tutorpuzzle · 08/07/2025 17:24

Good for you. I’m sure you’ll meet plenty of friends who would like to go to places where no animals are being exploited. The sooner these ‘attractions’ are closed down the better.

Also very much approve of the stance taken by the husband of @WearyAuldWumman

uhta · 08/07/2025 17:26

I personally wouldn’t have made a public judgement like that. Although your concerns may be valid (I don’t know), it could make you look difficult / annoying / sanctimonious.

What you could have done is to just cancel on the day saying that you were unwell.

Imisscoffee2021 · 08/07/2025 17:27

Yanbu. Sadly you do get people judging you if you go against the norm, as people take it then as a personal slight on their own actions. It seems common to place penguins of all things in an aquarium as ive seen a few now underground with no natural light, huddled in what is essentially a small room. It's not right, just like the touch and feel pools weren't right when inwas growing up (think they're banned now but not 100%).

tonyhawks23 · 08/07/2025 17:34

You did exactly the right thing,no way would I want to go or let kids think this was ok/normalise animal cruelty.telling them why was important too as otherwise itl just be a zoo next time,and change only happens by raising issues so your absolutelty right to question it if you'd like it to change in future.well done standing up for penguins.

WilfredsPies · 08/07/2025 17:34

You’re perfectly entitled to feel that way and I admire you for having the courage of your convictions.

But I think you need to prepare yourself for being looked at differently in your group. I think your chat will have gone quiet because there is a new chat that you are not part of. It’s human nature to feel like you’re being judged if someone raises moral objections to doing something you want to do.

Original poster
pppppppickupapenguin · 08/07/2025 17:51

tonyhawks23 · 08/07/2025 17:34

You did exactly the right thing,no way would I want to go or let kids think this was ok/normalise animal cruelty.telling them why was important too as otherwise itl just be a zoo next time,and change only happens by raising issues so your absolutelty right to question it if you'd like it to change in future.well done standing up for penguins.

This was part of why I spoke up. I really have an issue with large wild animals in captivity and will never go to the Sea Life Centre or Chester Zoo (which has also been floated and I just ignored) and I having to come up with an excuse every time because I think it will be transparent after a few years of meet-ups.

OP posts:
Maythefuckinglordopen · 08/07/2025 17:54

I just always say, ' I don't go to aquariums/zoos/races whatever due to concerns about animal welfare, I hope you all have a lovely time though' Real friends will respect and understand.

Original poster
pppppppickupapenguin · 08/07/2025 17:54

Hankunamatata · 08/07/2025 17:17

Groups gone quiet and sadly possibly made a side group. You could have easily just said you can't make it

I asked if everyone was free at X date on X time for coffee last night, and this morning I’m meant to reply to my own message with a sorry can’t make it.

I think there might be a splinter group though

OP posts:
FlatErica · 08/07/2025 17:58

I don’t think you were being unreasonable, OP, and I applaud you for being honest about why you turned it down.

Original poster
pppppppickupapenguin · 08/07/2025 18:07

Fargo79 · 08/07/2025 17:13

YANBU. It's a perfectly reasonable ethical choice. If they feel judged, as opposed to just accepting your choice, that's on them.

That’s how I feel about feeling like you’re being judged. If you feel judged by someone who’s simply expressing their viewpoint without directing it at you, then maybe it’s a reason for introspection and not taking it out on me. I know I’ve felt judged before for a few things, like I want to homeschool, but I’m confident that that’s the right choice for my family so I don’t care when people clearly think that’s a bad choice or say they think that schools are best for children as long as they aren’t saying that they think I’m a bad parent for it.

OP posts:
MK19590 · 08/07/2025 18:19

Say you've got a phobia of penguins and can't go

MrsCarson · 08/07/2025 18:22

YABU and YANBU on this one.
YANBU to not go due to the way you see the penguins being kept.
YABU to explain why you don't want to go as it sounds like some seem to think you are judging them for wanting to go and you want to persuade them otherwise.
If you don't to go just say No thanks, not for me, I'll see you all next time. No judgement needed.

Soonenough · 08/07/2025 18:28

I have a similar dilemma. Invited to a family members surprise birthday. Surprise, it's at a greyhound racetrack . Surprise, under no condition will I be going to that .