To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

Have to agree with this. All the jokes aside (Dubai really is soulless and shit, though), there's something very off about how OP was more concerned about getting disapproval on the Internet than the potential effect on her son and tried to change the entire discussion to make it about her and her feelings.

And the transparent attempts to brag about her numerous expensive holidays look much worse when you remember she was seriously considering leaving her son behind so she didn't have to spend the money. It's good she's not going to leave him behind after all, but I do hope this stuff really is all as performative as it looks, otherwise the messed up priorities will manifest themselves some other way.

Another random assumption but sure!

no bragging… I’m just blatantly taking the piss now (holidays are true though) because you’re so over invested it’s painful. The 🎣 emoji is so apt right now.

the amount of judgments and assumptions that you’ve come up with is honestly laughable; as they all couldn’t be further from the truth.

Well you said in your opening post you can afford the trip for 4 people but can’t afford it for 5 so why not leave the partner at home?

OP I’m with you. I would do the same but in the case of my dd she would be jealous that we might be having a better time than she would be having with her dad.

Go for it. You are doing nothing wrong.

I don't think this is a very nice thing to do, no.

I don't think they are laughable at all. You've consistently displayed more concern about what people think of you than what your actions might do to your son and tried to make the discussion about you rather than him. And it's clearly very important to you that we all believe you have lots of money and a fabulous jet setting lifestyle. Fwiw, I do believe you on that. But it just makes the idea that you'd think about trying to save costs by not taking your son with you even more horrible. If you're not lying to us then you've clearly got the money for the holidays, so if it's not the finances that make you consider leaving one child out, then what is it? Because that's likely to manifest itself some other way even if you do right by him for the trip.

And Dubai really is shite.

@TheFoz why would you do it if you knew your daughter might think you are having a better time

I’m actually by far the type of person to brag/show off etc, but considering there were so many comments, judgments, assumptions on the subject, i decided to play into it - if you’re going to make those assumptions, you’re not going to believe a word I say to defend myself, so I may as well play in to it.

consistency displayed more concern about what people think…. Not at all. Again, I don’t feel the need to justify myself.

But this sort of action could cause that - clearly the first time you are contemplating doing this, but by doing this without him it may start to affect him - particularly as he gets older.

Well there it is again, OP... you keep doing stuff and then telling us you never do this stuff. You think about leaving your son behind but you never make him feel left out or not part of the the family. You don't feel any need to justify yourself to us but you post 500 times justifying yourself to us. You never brag about your holidays but... You can see (I hope) why people are making their own judgements about things... and it looks pretty terrible to talk at length about how many expensive holidays you have yet suggest that taking your son with your other children on the next one isn't worth the money.

Anyway, if you feel this stung by what strangers on the Internet think of you, your son is much, much more sensitive to what his mother thinks of him. You'll get no judgement from me for remarrying and having more kids, but people aren't wrong to point out that he's experienced a a lot of upheaval and is likely to be more in need of reassurance. If you struggle to understand why going away without him could be damaging, that's a concern. It suggests he might not be as reassured as you think he is. We could be wrong, but you asked us what we thought, and this is what we think.

And Dubai is utterly soulless. I hate the place.

Thanks for your input.

Sorry if I missed your reply to this but I did ask this question early on in the thread.

If your exH does book a holiday with your DS on his week, why don't you just speak to your son about it? Just say "hey DS I know you're going abroad during your week with Dad, would you feel left out if we went away with the girls abroad to a more kiddy friendly holiday the same week? Don't worry, if you would feel left out we won't go and we'll try to do something all together another time". Xx

Just say it super gently and that if he would be upset or feel excluded you absolutley won't go and absolutley no pressure and you won't tell the girls about it so they won't be any wiser (so hes not under any guilt pressure), but if he's not bothered as he may well be being a teen then all good.

Having said that if he isn't going abroad with his Dad I wouldn't as in that case it is unfair and he'll feel that you're waiting for him to be out of the picture so you can go away with your "favourite" children. Xx

So yeah thats my tupenny bit :) I don't think this is a totally black and white YABU as long as you involve your son and make sure he is happy and secure in his relationship with you before you decide anything.

Of course. Old kid being excluded from the shiny new family unit. What a surprising turn of events.

I would think he was a pretty shit father, who lacks emotional intelligence and feel sorry for you son and just reinforces all of the stereotyping of men going on to have second families and prioritise that families wants over the needs of one of his kids.

Just like I would think the same of you if you did go ahead with your suggestion.

For all of your DS doesnt care retrotric to reinforce your thought process the reality is most kids dont actually process what their feelings and thoughts were about their childhoods until they become adults and begin to have life experiences.

Relating to you saying 'you need to holiday as a family of five'. I feel that there are times when this isn't suitable.

Absolutely true. Children can not process their feelings until adulthood due to their dependency on caregivers/survival strategy
and emotional maturity. One day he will become very aware of the disparity and the difference if he hasn’t already.

Like when?

As long as she makes an effort to spend time and do things with each child I think it's fine. He could hate Peppa Pig World but love a mum and son weekend at Alton Towers. It's all relative. It's about quality sometimes not quantity.

I didn't quote you. 🙄

Oh wait have you two accounts. Suddenly it all makes sense.

Thank you, I couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said. Thank you for your politeness too.

Really mean. Don’t do it.

Because I’m not going to live my life by anyone who might get upset if I do something that doesn’t involve them even though they would be doing something similar. That’s completely irrational.

You keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better but divorce is really shitty for kids no matter how well they seem to cope. Also asking a 14 yr old if they would mind you going on holiday without him is an awful thing to do. He’s bound to say it’s ok but honestly it’s not ok.

So is leaving one of your children out from a family holiday.