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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

259 replies

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 00:00

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

OP posts:
Lookuptotheskies · 08/07/2025 11:54

Oh OP, out of the four of you, one wants silence, the other three don't mind the odd bit of chat during a film that's been watched lots. Given the one demanding silence has been off away (not all essential away time you said) and you've been doing all the slog during this time AND not had to sit in silence during tv time I can understand your frustrations completely!

I had an ex who openly told me once he didn't want to talk to his small child after work, all he wanted to do was sit and silently watch tv as he'd been at work all day. Sweet jesus. He'd be visibly annoyed, pretend not to hear his child, or tell me he wanted quiet tv time etc. I never looked at him the same after that. It was the beginning of the end.

It's not just about last night's movie is it. It's about who he is as a partner and father and the choices and decisions he selfishly makes.

Stayingundermyblanket · 08/07/2025 11:55

At home we either sit and chat with music on or play a game. When we watch a film, its silently and we immerse ourselves in it. Lights off, drinks and snacks ready. If someone has a question about the film we pause it, take breaks etc. If someone doesn't like the film they leave, or read.
It's unusual to talk through a film, why bother having it on at all.

mydogisthebest · 08/07/2025 12:07

CautiousLurker01 · 08/07/2025 11:32

It’s not inane in our house - have film and lit buffs (several ADHD/ASD) who can’t resist giving a TedTalk on the writers or directors, however annoying my DH may find it… but, you see, there’s this amazing invention called a remote control. It comes with a pause and rewind button and everything. No film, however incredible, trumps human interaction, especially with my kids.

Oh and everyone I know watches TV like this in a group… if they want to watch a film silently they do so in their rooms, alone, on a device rather than in the lounge (fitted with 100inch screen, and surround sound, so we do take our films/audio seriously).

It’s an unspoken and accepted rule in our home that if you watch a movie in a communal setting in the communal area… it’s a social activity. Conversation is permitted.

Just about everyone I have spoken to about gogglebox say how stupid a programme it is and how people just do not watch tv like that.

No way are we going to watch a film and keep pausing and/or rewinding it. Both me and DH like to get totally engrossed in a film. TV programmes are slightly different but we don't make the inane comments like the wannabees in gogglebox nor do we see the need to pull silly faces and/or make silly noises

Emonade · 08/07/2025 12:07

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 00:34

Just going to say - thank you so much for this! It’s probably a bigger issue than the talking during the film… and you’ve just reminded me that maybe I don’t have to always capitulate and be the peacekeeper on these things! Much appreciated….

Totally agree!!!

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 12:10

Thank you all for some really insightful and helpful comments- appreciate my behaviour was far from ideal and was really useful to have that pointed out. Have apologised today and trying to see things from different perspectives… although still think we will always have a different opinion on light chatter during very familiar film! Thanks again

OP posts:
MyMilchick · 08/07/2025 12:12

Not a fan of talking during films either, I'm with your husband...........sorry

DiscoBob · 08/07/2025 12:14

I like talking during the film a bit but I know most others don't appreciate it. I do think that the correct way is no talking. So if there's someone who's not into talking then the others should kind of shut up. Hard as it may be.
Thing is if I wasn't chatting I'll probably just fall fast asleep!

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 12:14

mydogisthebest · 08/07/2025 12:07

Just about everyone I have spoken to about gogglebox say how stupid a programme it is and how people just do not watch tv like that.

No way are we going to watch a film and keep pausing and/or rewinding it. Both me and DH like to get totally engrossed in a film. TV programmes are slightly different but we don't make the inane comments like the wannabees in gogglebox nor do we see the need to pull silly faces and/or make silly noises

I’ve been told I watch tv as if I’m on Gogglebox and I haven’t even watched Gogglebox 😁

I rarely watch films, mostly streamed stuff on Netflix.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 08/07/2025 12:19

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 12:10

Thank you all for some really insightful and helpful comments- appreciate my behaviour was far from ideal and was really useful to have that pointed out. Have apologised today and trying to see things from different perspectives… although still think we will always have a different opinion on light chatter during very familiar film! Thanks again

@Sealhaver

All the best OP. You sound like someone who is self aware and willing to work on yourself as appropriate. Just be careful not to lose yourself / capitulate too much. Your chatting would annoy me I can't lie but you sound nice. In fact, watching Harry Potter 8-10 times qualifies for sainthood in my book. It could never be me.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday and get that re-connection you were seeking.
💐

morningtoncrescent62 · 08/07/2025 12:21

I've nothing to add that hasn't already been said, but just to the OP, how refreshing it is to see someone come onto AIBU, get honest feedback, take it on board and thank posters. Good for you. I hope you're able to resolve the issue and have a nice holiday, and if there are longer-seated relationship problems, take the time to address them properly once you're back home.

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 12:23

CautiousLurker01 · 08/07/2025 11:32

It’s not inane in our house - have film and lit buffs (several ADHD/ASD) who can’t resist giving a TedTalk on the writers or directors, however annoying my DH may find it… but, you see, there’s this amazing invention called a remote control. It comes with a pause and rewind button and everything. No film, however incredible, trumps human interaction, especially with my kids.

Oh and everyone I know watches TV like this in a group… if they want to watch a film silently they do so in their rooms, alone, on a device rather than in the lounge (fitted with 100inch screen, and surround sound, so we do take our films/audio seriously).

It’s an unspoken and accepted rule in our home that if you watch a movie in a communal setting in the communal area… it’s a social activity. Conversation is permitted.

Yes, if I want to watch something and not be disturbed I go to my bedroom, anything watched in the living room is open season. I realise we are lucky that the three of us have our own tv’s/monitors so we can do that. If we only had the one tv it might be different but family watching together means we can comment on the program as much as we want. That’s not to say we can’t say shush but it’s not a rule that has to be adhered to.

MammaTo · 08/07/2025 21:40

I’m with you OP, if we was watching a film we had all seen plenty of times we’d talk through it and comment on the film etc. Hes being a grump, plus why should 1 person’s enjoyment over rule the other 3.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 08/07/2025 22:02

Yeah, the chatting during a film is a complete red herring tbh

Emonade · 08/07/2025 22:52

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 12:10

Thank you all for some really insightful and helpful comments- appreciate my behaviour was far from ideal and was really useful to have that pointed out. Have apologised today and trying to see things from different perspectives… although still think we will always have a different opinion on light chatter during very familiar film! Thanks again

It’s not a family activity if you’re all sat in silence is it

Cherrytree86 · 09/07/2025 08:41

FrangipaniBlue · 08/07/2025 06:30

The biggest thing I took away from your OP was that your household dynamic seems very much “wife and kids vs husband”.

thats a shit situation all round.

Yep, this. Not good at all. One day your kids will be grown up OP

JustWhiteNoise · 09/07/2025 08:48

Emonade · 08/07/2025 22:52

It’s not a family activity if you’re all sat in silence is it

Is going to the cinema a family activity? I think it is, and we're all sat in silence for two hours in there!

DirtyBird · 09/07/2025 08:55

Nah I’m with you OP. In my family if we’ve seen a film more than once we definitely like to chat a little about the film. And my sister and I will watch films/tv shows and and make comments, even if it’s something we haven’t seen before. I have another friend that we do the same. So I understand your frustration however as you can See by this thread we are in the minority

CrushingOnRubies · 09/07/2025 13:27

Depends on the chat. Going I love this bit or have you seen the new Fiona shaw show can’t believe she was the woman in bad sisters. That’s fine.

talking at length about your plans for the next day on your holiday. Or how nice that restaurant you went to earlier. Not fine

Whatdoidotoday · 09/07/2025 14:48

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 01:00

Ha!! Thank you all (particularly those who understand where I’m coming from)… and just to assure those who thought film watching (in the evening, following a full day of activity?!) was an unusual holiday activity, we will be off kayaking tomorrow. Am not sure if talking is encouraged/discouraged in these situations, but at least am not in a double kayak with husband…

So you had a full on day, and wanting to just sit and relax without running commentary and conversation is completely fine. You sound hugely irritating. Honestly some people just don’t know how to wind down.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 09/07/2025 15:33

Whatdoidotoday · 09/07/2025 14:48

So you had a full on day, and wanting to just sit and relax without running commentary and conversation is completely fine. You sound hugely irritating. Honestly some people just don’t know how to wind down.

No 3 people wanted to chat. Only 1 wanted silence.

Tiswa · 09/07/2025 15:38

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 09/07/2025 15:33

No 3 people wanted to chat. Only 1 wanted silence.

Exactly for some winding down is having a movie on in the background and chatting through it - it is for our family.

the problem IMO is that the family dynamics have changed since he has beeen away and the kids have gotten older as well

Fancycheese · 09/07/2025 15:39

I don’t see the issue with chatting with your kids about a film while it’s on that you’ve seen close to ten times. Especially one as rubbish as Harry Potter, frankly.

It does seem to be more about the film. I don’t see why one person’s preferences should trump that of the rest of the family. Surely he can go and decompress in silence if that’s what he needs.

Boggyjo · 09/07/2025 18:35

it seems that you are suggesting that he’s the bad guy for having to work away from home?

Sunaquarius · 09/07/2025 18:42

I just think there's got to be a middle ground? He has to tolerate a bit of talking, you guys have to make an effort to minimize chat. I agree if it's a rewatch, surely, there can be a bit more talking. If it's one of those complicated films that's hard to follow then less talking. There is always the pause button if you don't want to miss bits. Or you could use subtitles. Or you could watch one movie in silence one night and then one that allows chatting another night. There are many ways to address this problem. I am wondering if there is something deeper being felt because arguing over the TV on the surface seems trivial, but is clearly causing him some upset.

FlorianTV · 09/07/2025 18:42

I’d just stop using films as family entertainment, he needs silence but the rest of you want to talk. It’s clearly not a family activity that keeps everyone happy, so find something else to do instead.