Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

[Sealhaver]

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

Your marital disputes and way you talk to your husband (and poss way he talks to you too) must be so anxiety-inducing for your children. Don't underestimate how this can affect them.

If you want to talk during the film then talk during the fucking film. Why does he get to dictate how films are watched.
It's not the cinema where you would be disturbing people who have paid.
It's your home/ holiday accomodation and if you want to talk, talk.
If he wants silence let him go and sit in a room on his own to watch.

Harry Potter for the 100th time, it's not like you are missing important plot points in a complex thriller.

Just going to say - thank you so much for this! It’s probably a bigger issue than the talking during the film… and you’ve just reminded me that maybe I don’t have to always capitulate and be the peacekeeper on these things! Much appreciated….

Honestly to me the idea of silently watching a film you've watched before is akin to putting an album on and all sitting as a family listening to it in silence for 90 minutes.

I appreciate I'm in the small minority here apparently!

Clearly I am in the is minority, too! It’s mostly the kids who like to say things and when they talk, I tend to respond… regardless of how inane the comments. But it seems to make a very familiar film more fun- clearly not for everyone, though, I now see../

The passive-aggressive pretending to sleep is what put everyone on edge here so definitely your fault. DH pissed you off, you pissed him off, fine, probably a squabble your kids have seen a million times. But why drag it out for the next two hours like a sulky child?

Good point- not my finest hour. Actually do plan on trying to use these comments to be a better person tomorrow!

What weird replies! Do families just sit in silence all evening and not comment on what they are watching at all?! Totally weird in my books. OP I'm on your team! 💪🏻

I think it's a bit weird that your DH would rather silently re-(re-re-re-re-re-re-)watch what is definitely a children's film than chat to his kids after not seeing them much lately. I'd have been pissed off (and perhaps even passively aggressively pretended to sleep) too.

Well, I think you may have nailed it here- and maybe why I should probably have a discussion with him about bigger issues (although I have to say the passive aggressive falling asleep was weirdly empowering…)

I can't stand talking during films and one thing I've noticed in twenty years of secondary school teaching is how badly kids' attention spans have frayed - we occasionally watch the movie of a book/play (English teacher) and they need to be explicitly told that you watch films in silence. It's surprising to them in a way it just wasn't two decades ago. It worries me!

So my teenage kids watch films quietly and if I sneak a look at my phone, they tell me off. We talk about it afterwards! That said, we've never collectively watched a film for the 8th time; we watch new things together. I love a rewatch myself of my own comfort things but if we're doing a movie together as a family activity, it's something we all actually want to watch. I think it's a useful skill for kids to learn to be immersed in a narrative without interruption - I actually think it's absolutely vital that they do.

i thought we were normal until now! Always assumed a sort of light chat appropriate if you knew the film (and I am in the silence camp if new film and need to concentrate)… but now am second guessing myself wildly!

husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

Be honest (with yourself, not me!) Are your children feeling slighted in their own right or are they following your lead? Has your husband acknowledged or done anything to address the fact that his wife and children feel insecure about his interest in them? (sounds like no but maybe you can think of some positive examples). What do your children need from him? What do you need from him?

Really great point - and something for me definitely to think about. The kids absolutely notice it as he has missed out on some special things due to absence and while they joke about it, I think it probably is more upsetting than they realise. And I definitely haven’t been as good as I could be about his absence as it means a lot more work for me and I do resent it to some extent. All fair points and things I need to consider!

I tell my DH to watch stuff alone if he wants absolute silence. I really don’t get why you’d watch a film with someone else if they can’t make any noise or comment. I used to get all frustrated next to him being shushed and told not to fidget. Now I just leave the room and he’s learned that if he wants company he has to be less overbearing.

In you case I would choose a different holiday activity. Or suggest you do stuff separately. Even in a family you don’t have to do the same activities for the whole holiday.

If talking shit while watching TV together wasn’t normal, there wouldn’t be gogglebox…

They’re all crackers, ignore them 😄

Harry Potter for the 10th bloody time??! I’d be making ALL the noises.

I hate to say it but I’m like you. We need to stfu. I don’t know why I become so talkative. I think it’s the plot lines of the movie which is mostly inane. I’m trying harder to shut up though. I’m aware that it’s annoying

Second this; bonding as a family laughing and saying things like I love this bit or whatever are the joy of watching a family favourite together...calling for silence seems totally peculiar to me for something you've seen before and not AT ALL convivial. Hope the rest of the holiday is more relaxed 🤞

Ha!! Thank you all (particularly those who understand where I’m coming from)… and just to assure those who thought film watching (in the evening, following a full day of activity?!) was an unusual holiday activity, we will be off kayaking tomorrow. Am not sure if talking is encouraged/discouraged in these situations, but at least am not in a double kayak with husband…

Please don't get stuck in the question of whether you should have made any sound during the film. You are all on edge. Your children feel insecure not because you said "ah if I'd have known I would never be able to talk during the 10th viewing of a film I'd never have married you"... they feel insecure because they can actually feel that things are insecure. That you are unhappy. That their dad is absent and when he's present there are rows. You and your husband need to address this properly and not default to a stupid row about Harry Potter and chatting.

I don’t think it’s weird to talk or make remarks during a film/tv at all. Admittedly, there are a few where we will establish no-talking rules beforehand, ans/or we will pause if a conversation becomes more interesting than what we are seeing. Plans change, moods change - it’s no big deal and there’s always rewind.

You possibly now realise your words have power. Statements of ‘would’ve / should’ve’ around your marriage can land very badly, especially in tense environments. My own upbringing included lots of these remarks - often ‘just joking’ but always somehow very hurtful and even now many years on, still remembered.

I think the more concerning issue is how you spoke to your husband in front of your children. Did you actually call him an asshat and say you might not have married him if you'd known silence was required in films?
For children that sort of comment is really disconcerting and upsetting, they must find it difficult if you speak like that in front of them.

I'm with your husband on films, can't see the point of talking through one, it's very irritating. But I would never watch any film 8 or 10 times and wouldn't watch one on holiday at all. Holidays are great for family board game evenings where you can chat, your children are old enough to play properly, that would be far better than watching films.

You pretended to sleep? Why would you do that to your kids?

I dare say it seemed like the most neutral limbo land to be in between leaving the room and sitting in silence with an atmosphere.