Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

[Sealhaver]

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

You and your DH don't know how lucky you are. I'd give my right arm for my teenagers to come and sit with me and chat all through a film. Two whole hours of communication!

YANBU, that chatting time is precious, don't waste it by staring silently at a kids' film you've seen ten times already

I with you OP - light chatting during a film is definitely ok. I was watching a new film with my DH, nothing deep just a bog standard slightly crappy film. Comments were made by both, slightly taking the piss out of the film “how come he is now dry - he was soaked a few minutes ago” type thing.

Unless it is an anticipated film, and especially not a family favourite rewatch (which sounds like a nice way to end a busy day), then silence is over the top.

Don't give it more thought. I think talking during a film is fine. Usually about the film, but other comments are ok too. I think it's weird to sit silently for 2 hours in a family environment, especially if you've seen the film 10 times.

Ignore the talk/don’t talk through the film part (although, I can’t watch a film more than once…maybe a second watch if I last saw it a decade ago and can’t remember what happened, but remember it was really good).

The important part is how you handled your irritation with each other. Your DH was in the wrong for being grumpy at the majority enjoying chatting (but it is hard to watch a film with people talking and so the jury is out on that one). You were definitely in the wrong for upsetting the children by saying you wished you hadn’t married. You could have answered very differently, even for the benefit of the kids.

My DH’s parents did this to him and his sister all the time when they were teens and they always felt it was them and mum against their evil dad. However, when he retells it to me, I can see DH’s mum was always complaining to them about their dad, threatening divorce and then telling them she wished she hadn’t married him. She made them feel guilty for her misery and wished she’d just leave him. It has really damaged their view of their dad. It actually sounds like she was the cause of all the drama and misery, but they all definitely blame DH. Now they’ve grown up, mum and dad are still together (and seem to bump along together reasonably well), but DH and his sister are pretty scarred by the whole thing.

I doubt your children were able to enjoy themselves with you pretending to go to sleep after an argument.

This is what I came on to say.
Him dictating family life when he's there?
My Uncle was like this. He was away with work and left my aunty to deal with everything but then wanted control of the house on return. He was 'in charge now' and dictated when the kids could go out to play and see their friends etc. They had to stay in to be with him. Until he left for work again.)
Unfortunately my cousins absolutely hated him and the relationship never recovered.

Are the schools already on holiday?

We also have a movie watching tradition on holiday. And like the pp we will do it after a full day of activity and a mean out. I have a child with special needs who can’t play most games. The endless posts of families bonding over Uno actually make me really sad as we can never have that.

Anyway, talking through a film is annoying. But it sounds like you were holding in a lot of resentment. I think it can take a few days to “reset” on holiday and get into a groove. Can you and DH sit outside one evening and have a few drinks while the kids amuse themselves?

Yes. Scotland and NI have already broken up. In NI we get 8/9 weeks holiday.

Films aren't for talking through. You also know he doesn't like talking during films. It sounds like a set up for failure really. You could have played cards, gone for a walk or whatever you enjoy doing that doesn't involve a film if you wanted to 'bond'.

I can't stand watching films at the best of times. What a boring thing to do on holiday. Why couldn't the kids just watch it and you and DH sit somewhere else with some food and wine and a chat?

Talking through a film annoys me!! If I'm watching a film, I don't want someone yapping all the way through it or giving a running commentary! Children, do talk through films, when they're young, I understand that, but a grown adult...no, keep your mouth shut!! Calling your husband names in front of your children, is a massive no. Your resentment towards your husband should have stayed at home or been resolved before you came on holiday.

Next time both kids are asleep, talk to him properly about his trips away and how you’re feeling. It’s shit pretending to be happy all the way through a holiday, and harmony that comes at the cost of you pretending you’re ok isn’t real harmony.

Gogglebox is a moronically stupid show.

ETA. And OP YABU. For chatting through the film and for reacting so poorly to your husband.

My husband insists on silence during films and tv shows and because of this, I don’t consider it a bonding experience. If you’re all in your own heads watching something and not allowed to speak to each other, you may as well be in different rooms, and it’s not a shared experience then. It’s each of you experiencing something individually - so again, may as well not be together.

I don’t mean chatting all the way through. That’s annoying. Same if plot is complex. And I don’t mean in the cinema, because you go there to immerse yourself in it. But shit you put on the tv? It’s family time, not a religious experience. If you can’t engage in it as a family, there’s no point in watching it imo.

So if I was watching something on holiday that we’d seen a million times before, being silenced would piss me off.

However. I know I’m in the minority here.

Also Gogglebox is edited to be as entertaining as possible - I don't think people always realise how artificial these shows are. A person's own unedited and uncut yapping throughout a show is going to be considerably more tedious and irritating than a produced show of people yapping (though I think the whole concept of it is an absolute nightmare to begin with!) I think it makes people imagine they themselves are hilarious commentators and that this is how to consume media - for performance, always with a distraction, never being immersed or absorbed in anything.

I am really sensitive to noise though - competing sounds stress me out intensely. Maybe the OP's husband is like that and maybe their film watching styles are incompatible and they need to find different family activities that everyone can enjoy.

When people talk through a program or film that I’ve said I prefer to focus on, then I mute or pause it while they talk. It’s quite interesting to gauge their reaction when you mute or pause. Most people look a bit shocked and want you to keep playing. But I have to politely explain that I can’t concentrate on two dialogues simultaneously. And that’s the truth.

I think it's still a bonding experience. I just watched all of Stranger Things with my teenage kids and it was totally different to being in different rooms. We're all sitting on the sofa together, we react - a laugh, a gasp, whatever - we're all experiencing something collectively and then we talk it about it loads when the credits start rolling. It's also a regular ritual, something we look forward to doing together after dinner. It's absolutely a bonding and shared activity even without a running commentary!

Definitely don't escalate this. It is already upsetting your kids.

Talking through a film is fundamentally pretty annoying. Why put on a film to talk over it? I'd get some board games or similar out instead so you can do a bonding activity where talking is normal.

So much weirdn behaviour here.

Why watch a film when you know it's a source of disagreement and tension? Did you want to pick a fight?

Why on earth has the whole family sat and watched the same film 8-10 times?

Why did you pretend to be asleep?

talking through a film that you have seen whilst in your lounge with your family is like marmite, you either like it or you don’t.

and it should be what the majority prefer in a family environment- one oerson doesn’t get to decide.

I stand by that he is away a lot so the 3 of them have created new rules and dynamics and everyone is struggling with it

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I'm camp quiet during a film tbh... problem you seem to have us your dh work/life balance appears to have pissed you off and you think it's acceptable to piss him off back and that's no way to live. That being said I also think that living to your dhs rules isn't necessarily the way to go either - compromise is the key here... dh shall we watch and a film and chatter through it and next time will be a quiet one? For eg.

YANBU. I can't think of anything more boring than watching a film in silence with my family. I can respect silence during a new film, but there will always be discussion points to me made along the way. If anyone wants silence, watch it by yourself init. And then we'll all get on high horses and say how it's a shame we are addicted to phones etc when a perfectly great opportunity for communication is thwarted by tyrants.

And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence

There's tension already and you know that film watching often causes conflict so really you should have chosen something else to do. I don't like people "yapping away" during a film either.

But it sounds like this is not about this particular film, it's about unhappiness in the marriage and deeper issues such as your husband being away a lot for work.

I think you should avoid activities that have previously caused conflict this week and try to keep the peace during the holiday and when you get back home you both need to sit down and talk about things.

Against the grain but families are more important than films
Particularly well-watched films. Why is one person happy but three others miserable. If watching rewatched films is a solitary activity, he should do it on his own and appreciate that his family want to bond and interact when he watches things with them.

When we were on our hols with our kids at this age, if we were not going out for dinner etc and having a night in then we would have tea together and then get the playing cards out. We would spend hours as a family chatting, playing card games and laughing. These are some of our favourite memories from our holidays together. It is proper family bonding time. No phones, no TV, just us.