Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

[Sealhaver]

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

Telling your husband you regret marrying him was the stinger. There was no need for it, it was a nasty comment, of course it upset everyone. It was vindictive.

Maybe he needed some quiet, wind down time.

Yes, because you are the King of the house and decide how everyone should act.

I’m actually team silence through films, HOWEVER that doesn’t mean I’m right, we’re not all the same, and compromise is important in situations like this.
That said, you massively overreacted. If your kids are traumatised and genuinely fearful you’re gonna get divorced, I wonder how often arguments like this happen in front of them. YABU and you made the night uncomfortable and awkward. You should apologise to them all for overreacting and reassure your kids, then all plan something to get her for tonight that suits everyone (card games, board games etc).

Yes. If we weren't interested in the film, we wouldn't be watching it! And there are often nuances in the film you didn't notice the first or second time. Of course, someone could go No! Don't do it!/ It's behind you! but actual chatting - no.

Are you saying you don’t even sing along when you watch Moana? 😮

I thimnk if you have seen the film about 8 times then fine, chat! I often find if I re wtch something again that I see things/hear things I missed first time around but in the case of 8 times...

I had a friend who chattered all through anything we watched! Used to drive me mad! It was all old news about her ex partment!

Comments during the movie are one thing but what the OP is talking about is having a full on conversation.

I can’t imagine being in such an uptight house that a movie we all watched 8 times demands silence.

Does everyone at least get a vote on this misery? Or was it demanded that we shall all now sit and suffer in silence by the master of the tv remote.

So you’re saying you know that family find it irritating when you talk during a film, but you still do it?

If you CBA to watch for the nth time, perhaps read a book instead?

It is a bit annoying that one person gets to dictate how everyone else behaves while a film is on, but ultimately you know his opinion on talking through films, so it should have been anticipated.

Then again, your DH knows you have a habit of talking through films, so he could learn to give a little. It all seems a bit "it's my way or not at all" and OTT for a film you've seen multiple times before.

My parents talk through films so DH and I tend to only put on films that we've seen before and are happy to watch and dip in and out of. It's a case of literally knowing your audience!

Today, I'd be apologising to the kids specifically about the "not marrying" comment and just saying "Dad's been away so much lately it can take a bit of time getting used to being around each other so much again. It's OK to be irritated by each other sometimes - it doesn't mean we don't love each other." I'm sure the kids annoy each other enough to understand that doesn't mean they don't love each other.

I definitely don't think you should be watching any more movies as a family for the rest of the holiday! May be time to break out the cards and board games instead!

Frankly, I think that was a rubbish comment ('I would not have married you') at a rubbish time. You should apologise.

Don't watch a movie if you're not up for it -- which is fair enough as I couldn't personally watch a movie 8 times, how boring is that! Read a book, go for a walk, swim, play a board game, whatever.

Just because you're on holiday together, doesn't mean you need to spend it together all the time.

Your husband is checking out of your relationship from the sound of it, and I'd recommend finding professional help to see if it's something you can salvage.

@Sealhaver I think your resentment (potentially valid) towards your DH needs to be discussed but not in front of kids, not with any name calling and not during a film. I think you picked the wrong hill to die on, and at the wrong time!

You need to talk to your DH about how you feel (and don't appropriate your kids into that discussion or try to project feelings for them "the kids felt slighted etc") - just talk about how you feel taken for granted/unsupported or whatever with concrete examples not conjecture.

Nope, do t care how many times I’ve seen a film, I couldn’t be bothered continuing if people talk. I grab the remote and press pause and only press play when they stop, and repeat, and repeat. If they keep going I just leave them to the tv, and do something else and watch it myself another time.

I can think of little worse than re-watching films over and over again so you have my sympathy OP, little wonder the kids get bored.
As you’re all away on holiday together wouldn’t it be more interesting to perhaps go bowling or some other activity that you might not ordinarily do at home? Even playing cards or a board game is more interesting than watching a repeated film surely?

Team husband. There are very few things that are more annoying than running commentary on the movie

Do not diminish your DH in front of your children! You reap what you sow OP.
If he did that to you, you'd say he didn't have your back, pain tho he may be.

I'm with your husband. I hate talking during films and TV and your reaction was pretty strong.

If I want a bit of peace and quiet, I'd turn the film OFF!

Talking during the film isn't the issue, it's the way you both communicated your feelings towards each other (rudely and in front of your kids)

Talking over tv and films means I really struggle to hear anything and I also find multiple sources of information like that totally overwhelming. If you want to chat turn off the tv.

but really PPs have this right. You need to figure things out with your husband not snipe at and insult each other in front of the kids. There’s clearly a disconnect and it’s ok to talk to him, in private, and say him being away so much is impacting you.

Talking during a film is YABU

Calling my OH names in front of the children YABU

Putting this much negativity into watching a movie YABU

Building a negative pic of of your OH before the holiday to justify the talking during the movie YABU

Saying your children are traumatised for the experience YABU

It’s not inane in our house - have film and lit buffs (several ADHD/ASD) who can’t resist giving a TedTalk on the writers or directors, however annoying my DH may find it… but, you see, there’s this amazing invention called a remote control. It comes with a pause and rewind button and everything. No film, however incredible, trumps human interaction, especially with my kids.

Oh and everyone I know watches TV like this in a group… if they want to watch a film silently they do so in their rooms, alone, on a device rather than in the lounge (fitted with 100inch screen, and surround sound, so we do take our films/audio seriously).

It’s an unspoken and accepted rule in our home that if you watch a movie in a communal setting in the communal area… it’s a social activity. Conversation is permitted.

‘Complete nightmare’ it is not.

You're annoyed he hasn't been around so you've picked an argument over something completely irrelevant. You need to have the argument about the actual thing that is bothering you or it will never be fixed and you will always feel resentful. Don't be a couple that divorces over dishes!

So 3 people were happy watching a family favourite film (after a busy day?) and chatting, it deosn’t sound like a full conversation but the odd comment.

1 person wants silence.

Why does that 1 persons wishes get to trump everyone else’s?