Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

[Sealhaver]

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

Yeah, I can see that side of things. If I think about it, there's far less chatter in new shows. But if I'd watched something 8 times, and it was our family comfort film, we'd be chatting through it - about the film, but I think silence is a bit much.

It's not a hill I'd die on on holiday though.

Why would you talk through a film? That would annoy me very much

"Come on children, let's go outside so Daddy can watch Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone in peace"

Haven’t you got anything better to do on holiday than watch a film?? Go down the pub to a beer garden, glass of coke and a packet of crisps for the kids and they can entertain themselves and you and your husband can have wine and a chat

That is why I hate gogglebox. Inane chatter, pulling faces, screeching etc. No one I know watches tv like that

I absolutely lose my shit if DH talks at me during a film, even if I have seen it before, I get engrossed in it and am enjoying it, I do NOT want to talk, I am relaxing

If you are keeping up a constant chat during a film no wonder your DH gets annoyed, you might as well switch it off and chat.

OP I am on your side with a lot of things here!

1- Firstly a lot of people commenting it’s odd you’re spending your evening on holiday watching a film. If you were in a hot, abroad country I’d be inclined to agree. But I’m guessing maybe you’re more UK based, air bnb type holiday where your days are mad busy with activities and you’re just having a chilled evening after a busy day, enjoying your holiday home? I think that’s totally normal!

2- I would rather watch a new, unseen film in silence. But one seen before (or seen MULTIPLE times before) especially whilst on holiday, seems to make a lot more sense to me to just have it on as background noise whilst you chat as a family and relax after a busy day.

Hope your holiday picks up and you have a fab time!

The people that have said you have a bigger problem than chatting/not chatting through films have hit the nail on the head. This is about your relationship in general and what is going on. Something is going on and resentments have built up. This isn't suddenly going to go away just because you are on holiday.

The film only sounds like the catalyst for the argument TBH. Having a fractious relationship and then hoping a holiday would be different is very much papering over the cracks. These little niggles have been bubbling for a while.

As a introvert I very much recharge by quiet reflection but my son loves company and conversation to energise. balancing the entire family needs is difficult on holidays where everyone's usual coping mechanisms arent as easily available.

I do sometimes talk through things and am told to shush. But then I also tell them to shush if I’m watching something😁. Hard to be totally silent but honestly if you’ve seen it 8 times I can’t see the harm in a bit of chatter if it’s to do with the film (and not tomorrow’s dinner).

Maybe the compromise could be silence on a first viewing but chat about the film on repeat viewings. It shouldn't just be blanket silence at all viewing times. (Also probably not a good idea to name call in front of the kids😬).

You can do all of that and still have time to watch a film!

Poor bloke

Not really your place to be telling other people what to do.

This, you seem to have created a you and dc vs Dh environment @Sealhaver. Can't be comfortable at all for them, especially the comments re 'never would have married him'.

We’re clearly in the minority here, but in our family we make plenty of comments during movies / programs. It wouldn’t be fun watching anything otherwise. It’s definitely way quieter when watching documentaries or something informative, but otherwise we have a giggle.

I think the children overreacted a bit, and I'd worry that they're picking up on tension in your and your husband's relationship that goes beyond the one argument or the ongoing issue of talking during films. Now, though, I think both of you should reassure them that divorce is not imminent; it was a disagreement or miscommunication (you thought talk OK since it was a very familiar film for everyone but dad still wanted absolute quiet) and you got a bit carried away. "If I'd known..." certainly doesn't equal "I want a divorce"; make sure they know that. Do talk with your husband separately, too.

I'm in the YANBU camp given the number of times you've all seen the film, and also think it's a bit unfair for husband to demand full silence when everyone else wants a little chat and may be bored watching the same film for the eleventh time in dead silence. Would putting subtitles on help him follow the film even if someone talks during?

YABU mostly for making a threat like that in front of your children. Especially when everything isn’t perfect, they really need to know that you aren’t about to walk out on the family. That really crossed a line for me.

What were you talking about? Was it just little comments related to the film, or was it trying to have a whole separate conversation abut things that had happened that day? One is OK< the other is really irritating.

Either way, your response to the situation is deeply immature and will probably ruin the whole holiday if you don't get over yourself.

Have you sat with everyone you know while watching tv? Thats some accomplishment.
I chit chat during a show, sometimes. Sometimes I dont. Depends on what it is. Or my mood, or my company. Either way, DH doesnt police it.
What I cant understand is, when you know this is something you clash over, you continue to do it and expect a different result?
If we had something like this going on, we would have long since sorted it out.
"lets watch a movie"
" ok but im not sitting in silence its harry bloody potter for the 8th time"
"ok fair but can you not have a full blown political discussion while its on, i find it such a lot when people are talking the whole time?"
"Ok love sure i know that bugs you we wont do a UN debate"

This is the kind of conversations people have when they give a shit about one another.
Not the toxic passive aggressive behaviour BOTH of you have engaged in.
You owe your kids an apology, both of ye, and you need to sort your shit out, both of ye.

A compromise that works for us - pause the movie whenever someone wants to talk. That way no-one misses out on hearing the movie, but we can also have some chit chat.

There's a difference between getting together with some girlfriends and watching a film - when the main aim is to catch up and chat and the film is actually pretty incidental - and watching a film for the film's sake - when chatter is a bit of a no-no. Or putting a film on because you just want a bit of peace and quiet. I think you and your husband had different objectives here! Talk to him.

I agree with you, you have watched the film so many times now that you can sort of discuss the film while watching it. More fun, and as you say bonding. It is a great way to get to find out your children’s thought of things, especially the teenager.

If it was a new film I’d think differently.

I absolutely hate it when my DH pauses every time I want to say something. So I’d rather stay quiet. It’s annoying and feels like I’m disturbing him (which I am tbf).

YABU for using a prissy word like ‘asshat’