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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

259 replies

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 00:00

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

OP posts:
Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 08/07/2025 07:35

Enjoy your holiday

Tiswa · 08/07/2025 07:36

Is the issue that a dynamic has been formed in his absence and now he is back he is wanting to have things back to before which much more involved around what he wanted

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 07:36

KPPlumbing · 08/07/2025 07:22

All of this talk of "upsetting the children". I had to go back and check their ages. One is 14!

A 14 year old is a child! And the 14 year old child is at an age where they have greater understanding of adult relationships than say, an 8 year old (who is more oblivious to the idea of relationships), so have more awareness of what is going on. Which makes it much worse. I found my parents arguing much more upsetting as a teenager than as a carefree oblivious child of 8 or 10.

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 07:37

Tiswa · 08/07/2025 07:36

Is the issue that a dynamic has been formed in his absence and now he is back he is wanting to have things back to before which much more involved around what he wanted

The issue is a bit of a shit marriage between two incompatible people

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 07:37

would say we are a classic family of four,

such a bizarre way to describe your family

WileyCyrus · 08/07/2025 07:41

How on Earth do you mock the bits that are funny but aren’t meant to be, or comment on Daniel Radcliffe’s wooden acting, or marvel at the beauty of Hogsmeade at Christmas, without talking?! I’m with you OP, a new movie, I can see why someone may insist on silence (but would still drive me mad when I want to ask what else that actor has been in) but an 8-10 times rewatch, bloody suck it up mate. Saying that, I did once watch Dumb and Dumber with DP just after we got together and he said each line of the movie, which is annoying enough, but a beat BEFORE they were said in the film…it was almost game over for me. Never watched it with him again.

Swimminginthedeepbluesky · 08/07/2025 07:42

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 00:08

Alright- thank you and fair enough! Maybe we were being the irritating ones- it’s actually really useful to have other perspectives. I will say that it want constant chat, more comments when appropriate but I see how that might be annoying.

Talking through a film is annoying, doing it deliberately when your DH has asked and you know he doesn't like it is passive aggressive
behaviour designed to.provoke

Just talk to him about the issues in your marriage
You are contemptuous
Not a great sign

WileyCyrus · 08/07/2025 07:43

Dogaredabomb · 08/07/2025 06:43

I don't mind if someone mutters 'he's a munter' to themselves or offers me a biscuit. But if it requires a two way conversation I'll have to pause because I can't listen properly to two things at once. If it's a rewatch of a kids' film with kids 🤷🏼‍♂️

“he’s a munter” 😂😂

WaltzingWaters · 08/07/2025 07:44

FrodoBiggins · 08/07/2025 00:43

I think it's a bit weird that your DH would rather silently re-(re-re-re-re-re-re-)watch what is definitely a children's film than chat to his kids after not seeing them much lately. I'd have been pissed off (and perhaps even passively aggressively pretended to sleep) too.

Completely agree with this. Especially when on holiday. Yes, watching a film for the first time, sit quietly and follow along. But when putting on a film you’ve seen so many times, surely you chat, discuss, joke along.

Maybe put some music on and play some board games tonight.

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 07:44

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 08/07/2025 07:35

Enjoy your holiday

Fat chance!

yakkity · 08/07/2025 07:45

Can we go back to the working away thing. Not totally essential. What actually is it? Why is it not really essential?

MrsMitford3 · 08/07/2025 07:46

@Sealhaver we would def chat during a millionth re-watch of harry potter and often do.

My DH used to travel a lot when the DC were younger and the dynamic when he came back always needed to be recalibrated. We got on with it and he wasn't a part of the day to day dynamic. He had a client in america and was gone often and frequently for week to 10 days. Long enough to get used to living in a hotel and thinking only of himself which def showed on his return.

It sounds to me like your DH is not thinking of the whole family/what the DC would like but thinking of how he wants things. Because he is used to being in "hotel mode" and thinking only of himself. I can not imagine a grown man/father insisting Harry Potter be watched in silence with his DC. It's not the bloody Matrix where you have to pay attention.

We used to joke about him needing to get back to family mode and it sounds like your DH is not there. I don't blame you for being annoyed and I don't think he should insist on silence on holiday-he should want to hear their observations and show they are more important to him than the plot of Harry Potter.

This isn't about watching a film in silence-this is about him not engaging.
Think you need a chat when the kids aren't around to reset parameters of family life on holiday.

And I plan on using asshat at the next opportunity!

WhistlingStraits · 08/07/2025 07:46

You sound quite annoying, OP, and full of contempt for your husband. I suspect bigger problems are at foot here.

LillyPJ · 08/07/2025 07:47

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 07:26

Why not? Some movies are classics and are really enjoyable and are watchable dozens of times over if not 100s of times over. Some movies I've watched close to a thousand times over - and no, I am not even kidding or exaggerating.

Why not? If you get enjoyment out of it, why not? Life is too short to watch a really enjoyable movie once and then just throw it away. Movies are meant to be enjoyed over and over again. That's the point of them.

We're all different of course. I know some people will happily watch something over and over, or read the same book many times etc. I might watch something twice or, exceptionally, three times but there are just so many new things to discover. But ok, some people like the familiarity of an old favourite. But as for a thousand times... That's something like 1500 hours - or roughly 8 solid weeks sat in front of the same old thing! I just can't comprehend that. There are so many other great things to watch or do.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 08/07/2025 07:47

MyTattooIsBetterThanYours · 08/07/2025 07:34

Give it a rest with your snarky one upmanship comments. No wonder there’s an atmosphere.

Do you actually like your husband?

Agreed.

I'm assuming you're trying to be smart for the purpose of the thread, but if this is how you really act around your family no wonder the kids are upset.

Chatting in a film you've already seen...not the end of the world. Declaring you'd never had married him had you known about his predilection for silence and then pretending to sleep through it is horrible, and really childish.

KPPlumbing · 08/07/2025 07:48

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 07:36

A 14 year old is a child! And the 14 year old child is at an age where they have greater understanding of adult relationships than say, an 8 year old (who is more oblivious to the idea of relationships), so have more awareness of what is going on. Which makes it much worse. I found my parents arguing much more upsetting as a teenager than as a carefree oblivious child of 8 or 10.

I guess I'm forgetting how "young" a 14 year old is now. All of my friends and I were fairly adult at that age.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 08/07/2025 07:50

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 00:52

Really great point - and something for me definitely to think about. The kids absolutely notice it as he has missed out on some special things due to absence and while they joke about it, I think it probably is more upsetting than they realise. And I definitely haven’t been as good as I could be about his absence as it means a lot more work for me and I do resent it to some extent. All fair points and things I need to consider!

Definitely. I know when one of us has been away the other may feel it is hard work, but only ever supports the absent one verbally to the kids. They would probably never have felt 'slighted' by him being away for work had you not moaned about it.

As a child this kind of sniping would make me feel so uncomfortable and on edge, it would as an adult to witness as well. If you have an issue, deal with it like an adult not with sarcasm and atmosphere. I can guarantee your kids will be more affected by your actions here than your husband wanting some quiet.

You seem to think of them as being your team against him because he went away, which is really sad and d inappropriate.

SillyQuail · 08/07/2025 07:50

My parents had petty disputes like this constantly when I was growing up and it made me extremely anxious about the stability of their relationship. I think you need to apologise to everyone for the way you were talking to your DH.

Sugargliderwombat · 08/07/2025 07:57

Sounds like he just didn't want to talk to you guys (read: miserable arse). My dad was always like this on holiday, he should have ignored the film and prioritised the chat if he was that bothered. Why prioritise a rewatch of Harry Potter 1?!

JustWhiteNoise · 08/07/2025 08:02

FrodoBiggins · 08/07/2025 01:42

I kind of get the point you're trying to make about attention spans but it's quite funny that it boils down to "bloody kids today wanting to talk to their family members instead of staring vacantly at the screen!"

Not staring vacantly! Getting lost in a film is a joy and it's an engaging, enriching activity, not a brainrotting scroll through tiktok. We go to the cinema quite regularly then out for dinner when we'll talk about the movie in depth - you do the talking after not during. Though on holiday, we'd be far more likely to play a board game or go out and look at the stars on an evening than watch a film we'd seen eight times already.

ThreeLocusts · 08/07/2025 08:05

MrsMitford3 · 08/07/2025 07:46

@Sealhaver we would def chat during a millionth re-watch of harry potter and often do.

My DH used to travel a lot when the DC were younger and the dynamic when he came back always needed to be recalibrated. We got on with it and he wasn't a part of the day to day dynamic. He had a client in america and was gone often and frequently for week to 10 days. Long enough to get used to living in a hotel and thinking only of himself which def showed on his return.

It sounds to me like your DH is not thinking of the whole family/what the DC would like but thinking of how he wants things. Because he is used to being in "hotel mode" and thinking only of himself. I can not imagine a grown man/father insisting Harry Potter be watched in silence with his DC. It's not the bloody Matrix where you have to pay attention.

We used to joke about him needing to get back to family mode and it sounds like your DH is not there. I don't blame you for being annoyed and I don't think he should insist on silence on holiday-he should want to hear their observations and show they are more important to him than the plot of Harry Potter.

This isn't about watching a film in silence-this is about him not engaging.
Think you need a chat when the kids aren't around to reset parameters of family life on holiday.

And I plan on using asshat at the next opportunity!

I think this is more on the mark than all the telling off of OP for saying 'asshat'. As the wife if another husband who travels for work.

But basically, there are structural issues in the marriage that need addressing.

Ryeman · 08/07/2025 08:06

holysmokee · 08/07/2025 04:57

This is exactly how I watch things, even new things if it’s just me and DH. I feel seen.

Me too, it adds to the entertainment to comment to each other on someone’s bad hair do or terrible accent, or just pause to make sure dc (or me) are understanding the plot.

ThatGreatMember · 08/07/2025 08:06

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 08/07/2025 00:04

You sound like hardwork

This

Andthatrightsoon · 08/07/2025 08:07

You and your husband are screwing up your children's future mental health and relationships. Stop it. If you hate him, separate. Stop with the passive aggressive behaviour, the children are unhappy in their lives and learning from you.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/07/2025 08:10

If you've agreed to watch a film then I think it's pretty rude to talk through it.

If you want to talk, leave the room.