Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

[Sealhaver]

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

My favourite bonding with the teens is 1.random chats on long car journeys and 2. watching movies with lots of pausing to laugh at our favourite jokes, look up references to other arts, discuss similar movies, pick holes in the plot, enjoy the jumpscares, etc., etc. It's joyful.

Surely that's the beauty of watching at home (or on holiday) with your family? You can engage in whatever way you want, pause to go to the loo, get more popcorn, discuss alternate endings, laugh, cry, and generally bond over the shared experience.

Can't bear chat when I'm watching a programme/film. My DH goes one step further and pauses the film to talk about something, often totally unrelated and it drives me mad. I've threatened to take the control away from him.

You are so lucky to be on holiday.

He film isn’t the issue, not really, it’s the fact he has been away for so long - still unexplained. It sounds like you all felt his missing presence, and his bounded back in called the shots and thinks everyone should be doing what they are told/olaying happy families when in fact there is a lot that is not being spoken about that is simmering under the surface.

So, if OP were watching the same film with her kids while DH was away, they'd all be having a natter and a laugh and enjoying it together? But because DH prefers silence, his preference trumps theirs, and they must all sit in doleful silence because "it's weird to chat while watching a film" according to this thread?

This isn't about chatting during a film. This is about DH being out of step with everyone else in his family and imposing his rules over theirs regardless.

I kind of get the point you're trying to make about attention spans but it's quite funny that it boils down to "bloody kids today wanting to talk to their family members instead of staring vacantly at the screen!"

You have a much bigger problem than the film op.

Everyone is in the wrong but I think more you. I don't like chatting during a film BUT Harry Potter? We have it on ocasionally on a Sunday afternoon. We've all seen it a dozen times, of course we chat and comment! Your DH was an arse BUT your comments back were really cutting and horrible, especially in front of the children. Yes your DH was an arse but no need to say what you did, I can imagine myself.as a teenage DD being really upset about that.

In general YANBU, but YABVVVU all talking through a movie, that would annoy most people. Bond properly over a board game.

Sorry but you are a very rude and disrespectful person, and worse, you are dragging your children up to have bad manners. Unless it's urgent, you should be nipping the children talking during the movie in the bud, and correct them not to talk in movies, instead of answering them. Don't answer them, you're enabling them and their rude disrespectful behaviour. Tell them to ask after the movie. This is what happens when parents enable instead of stopping bad manners. Then we end up with you and the likes of you in a cinema, talking, and the rest of us wanting to throw something at you. Children with bad manners grow up to be adults with bad manners who talk in cinemas. That's the result of it. Stop it right now. Before your children think that it's appropriate to later on go on a date and turn their potential partner off by talking throughout a movie.

And I get that you've all seen the movie several times, but no matter how many times I've seen a movie I really like, I do still enjoy losing myself in it.

This is exactly how I watch things, even new things if it’s just me and DH. I feel seen.

I think you are being unreasonable here, especially saying you would not have married your husband in front of the kids. Keep that sort of discussion for the two of you. Also talking in a film would drive me nuts aswell. If it’s one that’s been seen many times that’s a bit different!

Your DH is a dick to force his preference over the preferences of 3 others. Some people want silence during films (I prefer it) others want to chat, especially when they've seen it before and there are group jokes or points of interest, etc. to have fun with. If your DH is the only one who wants silence then he is the one that needs to suck it up and tolerate things for everyone else's sake.

Nevertheless, calling him an asshat and saying you might not have married him in front of your relatively young kids was very poor judgement. (And however in-jest you say you meant it, when you have building irritations in your marriage about other things there's likely an edge to it that he will hear too. Which makes it that little bit worse.)

YABU but so was your DH.

I think you should apologize for calling him an asshat and try and smooth things over for the holiday, but it sounds like you need some 1:1 time discussing the state of your relationship and how you can get back to a properly good place.

So you're mad with him for going away to work let me guess you spent the whole time he was away slagging him of in ear shot of your kids. Do you work? Who paid for the holiday?. You then talk all the way through a film even though you know it annoys him and rightly so it is annoying then you call him an assshat infront of the kids then you start telling him how you shouldn't of married him again infront of the kids. Then you ignore everyone and pretend to sleep. No you dont pretend everything is normal you owe everyone a massive apology.

image Gogglebox the tv show if they all had to sit in silence !! Total silence is no connection . A balance of all family members preferences needed I think .

Shit environment for the children.
Growing up around two parents squabbling, incompatible and basically don’t really like one another .

😆

Oh I missed the bit about her telling her DH she wouldn't have married him, wow, which is so ironic as she's the one in the wrong here. I can imagine her poor DH thinks he wouldn't have married her if he knew how rude and bad mannered she was and that she would drag his kids up in the same manner. He'd probably choose a different person to be the mother of his children if he knew.

Here's a medal 🏅 for one of the stupidest comments iv ever read on mumsnet

I hate people talking over a film as it stops me from concentrating & I find it rude & disrespectful.

Who uses a longed for family holiday to confront husband and upset children?

🙄😬

I think part of the problem is: yes he’s missed out on things being away - and you seem to resent him for it (whether or not the kids do, only they can say).
But also being away a lot, means you and the kids have developed a new way of working/relating. And are you adapting to him being back?
Yes he’s missed should adapt too, but you can’t change his behaviour, you can only change your own.
Do you want him back and to be part of your lives? If so you need to work at it.

And going on holiday isn’t a magic wand, quite the reverse sometimes.

I think ywbu buy you can see thst now. May not stop husband being an idiot. I also think you need to go and buy some board games, there are so many to choose from now, it doesn’t need to be monopoly to the early hours.

Why did you all have to sit together and watch a film? If you didn’t want to watch it why didn’t you take yourself off to the balcony and chill there with a book or scrolling.

i don’t understand enforced family bonding by watching a film you’ve all seen 8-10 times especially given the ages of your children.

And by the way I am a talker through films, my dh doesn’t like it and I generally remove myself from the room if I’m not interested in watching it.

Why did you stay and pretend to sleep rather than go to your room/balcony and chill?