Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

[Sealhaver]

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

I agree with the other pp you quoted here, op. Fuck total silence during film/tv at home (or holiday home, whatever). This is not the cinema! Specially if it's a movie you've seen so many times. Your husband was being an entitled arse and would have had my back up massively! If me and my fam are watching something new, we might talk a little less and follow it more quietly, but no one is going to impose silence on the others in my house! If we missed a bit because somebody was talking, we just replay that bit.

I talk watching tv, about what we’re watching and I think that’s normal and fine

The biggest thing I took away from your OP was that your household dynamic seems very much “wife and kids vs husband”.

thats a shit situation all round.

I hate talking through films even if I've seen it before. Re the marriage thing maybe talk in the morning as adults

had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film

It's a shame everyone's engaged on the "talking through the film" point when the real issue is the passive-aggression. You are upset with him about his absence but it doesnt sound like you've discussed it or the impact on the kids. You need to row that back in front of them. And have a mature conversation about the late working/work travel in private.

Have to agree

Surely this is part of a bigger issue? I talk through films (even when i try my best not to as appreciate it is annoying), my dh gets annoyed but makes a joke out of it - it wouldn't be a reason for an argument and definitely not on hols or in front of the kids. It can be hard though when someone has been away and you get used to doing things your way - probably some leeway needed on both sides whilst you settle in to spending much more time together again.

Sounds like it needs a bigger conversation, hope you can enjoy the rest of your hols.

You're not a "classic family of 4". You sound like you and your husband detest each other. And the kids sound miserable. The film chatting is not the big picture here (although bloody irritating), and jeez pick a different film!

This isn’t really about the chatting during the movie is it - it sounds like you have a ton of built-up resentment that’s spilling over at the slightest thing, and your kids will be picking up on that (especially with the way you expressed your annoyance - if he’d called you an asshat and said he wouldn’t have married you, how would you be feeling now?)
If he’s been away a lot, you won’t have been communicating and that gulf between you will have got wider. I’d start the day with a genuine apology for your bad mood and what you said to him, and see if you can find some ways to reconnect. Try something different - go for a walk on the beach at sunset, take the kids out for an evening drink, teach the kids a new card game… Holidays can be really hard because of that expectation that you have to have fun and it has to be perfect. See if you can reframe it as a bit of a rest for all of you and take the pressure off a bit.

I don't mind if someone mutters 'he's a munter' to themselves or offers me a biscuit. But if it requires a two way conversation I'll have to pause because I can't listen properly to two things at once. If it's a rewatch of a kids' film with kids 🤷🏼‍♂️

Why don't you divorce?
You resent your husband, you criticise him to your kids when he's away working, and then you criticise him directly in front of your kids. Why do you think that behaviour is ok? All you're doing is showing the kids how much you dislike and disrespect their Dad, drawing them in to battles they should have no part of. Then you go ahead and sulk like a child and pretend to sleep.
Of course your kids are on edge. You're creating a toxic atmosphere. Do better FFS.

Your husband sees watching a film as unwinding, switching off, takes his mind of other things.

You see it as entertainment and a chance to speak to others.

I think your DH is right, you need another outlet.

It’s like cleaning the kitchen and having someone trash it as you clean.

Of course you can talk during a film… that you’ve seen before… not like a full on conversation but like ‘he’s gonna get munched’ ‘yippee-Kai-yay motherfucker’ ‘oh I’m going in the kitchen for this bit, there’s too much peril’ etc. if you haven’t seen it before and it’s something you need to concentrate on then not so much. But it sounds like he’s one of those people that has to rigidly have it his own way and everyone sit in dead silence for three hours which sounds crap.

I agree. But also, why would you watch a film you've seen 8-10 times before? Life really is too short for that.

Your holiday isn't going well because your H has been avoiding his family and you've noticed and are upset with him. To make things worse, he continues to shut you out by insisting on your silence in the evening. Very few men would want to watch Harry Potter in silence for the umpteenth time. It's an excuse so he doesn't need to engage. You need to have a conversation with him away from the DC and find out what's going on with him. You can't let it spill out into behaviour like that in front of the DC as its very stressful for them.

If your kids take that as a declaration of divorce then I suspect the atmosphere at home is pretty difficult at times

YABU - no talking through Harry Potter please.

Why not talk when having family meal, day out, drinks, play some games instead. No reason to talk through a film.

Maybe they've been out all day.
Maybe they've been doing activities.
Maybe they need a bit of down time

All of this talk of "upsetting the children". I had to go back and check their ages. One is 14!

A film you’ve seen a lot of times…you put it on so you can relax and chat a bit and not pay total attention, not full on talking all the way through, but a bit of chat. Demands of silence sounds like he’s suggested a film so he doesn’t have to engage.

you have bigger communication problems than this though, you need to talk, but not on holiday and not with the kids there.

YABU, constant chatter would drive me insane. If you want to chat play a game instead.
YABU also by upsetting your dc.

This is what can often happen in families where one works away alot. Normal family life without them tends to end up being the norm and everyone and thing has to change when they are back and often it’s not liked.

Add the fact you feel his away wasn’t really
needed and boom.

Also definitely will chat during a movie we have seen before. What’s the point in sitting in silence for the 10 th viewing. This point goes with the family changes though when his away you and your children chat and laugh and joke while watching tv. Once his home is silence. Doesn’t make it enjoyable for them when he is back even though they will of missed him.

Why not? Some movies are classics and are really enjoyable and are watchable dozens of times over if not 100s of times over. Some movies I've watched close to a thousand times over - and no, I am not even kidding or exaggerating.

Why not? If you get enjoyment out of it, why not? Life is too short to watch a really enjoyable movie once and then just throw it away. Movies are meant to be enjoyed over and over again. That's the point of them.

Go and buy a pack of cards, or UNO.

Give it a rest with your snarky one upmanship comments. No wonder there’s an atmosphere.

Do you actually like your husband?