Crap friend

[PerkyOchrePeer]

I went on holiday last year and met up with a friend of a friend. I didnt really know her but was grateful that she offered to show me around. We didnt have much in common but rubed along ok. I thought she was a bit full on with her behaviour and wondered if she was gay. After the holiday, we went our seperate ways and i sent her the odd fìendly wassap message to which she replied to but in a cold polite but not that friend manner. The last couple of messages she totally ignored so i have now deleted her from my phone and wont be messaging her again.

I was annoyed at first because i have made an effort to remain on friendlý terms

Is it that your ego has taken a bit of a battering? You thought she was into you - whether that be romantically or just as a person/potential friend - and it turns out she’s not?
Or maybe she was but got brush-off vibes from you (which would be fair on your part, if you weren’t interested!).
You seem to be really questioning her motives, but could it not just be because she’s a nice and hospitable person?
I get that this is probably a confusing situation for you and your feelings are hurt. But I think you need to look to yourself rather than putting all the blame on her.
With respect, this is probably one of the strangest posts I’ve read on Mumsnet. Sorry OP.

There isn't any problem here.

You tried to message to keep things going but it fizzled out. No big deal and she's not a horrible person because she didn't want to.

This is how looking for friendships works - you try it out, see if anything develops and if not, no big deal.

OP just put it down to experience. It sounds like you may just have difficulty differentiating between friends and acquaintances

As for finding more friends perhaps try a hobby or book club near where you live?

It takes time to build a friendship. So you're better off looking for friends through a hobby or group or through work, something that you do daily/weekly. That way you can build up a casual relationship with people before you try to instigate a closer friendship. It's an organic thing and a lot of people would feel a bit uncomfortable if it goes too intense too quickly. She may also have felt there wasn't much point since you live at a great distance from each other. Many people are friendly enough in person but don't like to do the long distance thing. She also could just as likely have been just being polite without any wish to take it further.

OP i am wondering what your cultural background is. In many cultures it is common to welcome friends of friends/acquaintances etc into your home or to welcome them to your city with a tour, cup of tea etc…It is just what some people do. It is not a suggestion of a future close friendship but rather a welcoming often customary gesture. The fact that you seem to think she needed a reason to be open and kind with her time is quite sad really. She can be that, but without any further agenda.

I had a boyfriend who complIned that i was blowing hot and cold and he eventually dumped me

Gosh, is this even a problem? Baffled by this post - please don't let this be a mum posting, surely mums have better things to worry about face palm

Ive got hobbies and 3 quite close friends

That's great but you said this above which made it sound like you want to find friends!

I think the main issue is that I want to increase my social circle but I don't look closely at the peaplore I'm choosing and I'm latching onto anybody because they are better than nothing

But why are you bothered? I think that's the root of the problem.

1. She took time to show you around.
2. You don't think you particularly got on well
3. Several years later she is coming to the UK so you offered to show her around. She politely brushed this off (combination of you not getting along and possibly having a full itinerary of things to do already with established friends)
4. She lives on the other side of the world so what really is the point in trying to establish a friendship with someone you don't have any connection with ?
5. She is not a "crap friend" she is someone who took care of you while you were in her country and politely responded to a few of your messages after.

I’m struggling to believe this post is serious. But on the off chance it is, what is it you want from this woman and this situation?

Asking her to stay with you was too full-on, but now she’s stepped back, she’s a crap friend (even though you never really saw her as a friend in the first place)?

You admit yourself you had nothing in common, but you’re annoyed she doesn’t want to build a friendship based on… what?

You panicked she had a big old lesbian crush on you because she liked your hat and offered you a jumper, and you were keen to make sure she knew you weren’t interested, but now it’s wrong if she wants to pull back?

You want to widen your social circle - so you picked someone who lives on the other side of the world who you won’t see for at least two years?

None of this really adds up.

Also she's not a "crap friend"

She's a friend of a friend who was actually very nice and helpful to you!

It is possible to have a close friend who lives so far away because the friend that introduced me to her regularly goes on holiday with her. They recently planned a trip to America together

You've designated this woman as a 'crap friend' without any valid justification whatsoever.

Ok so they have built a long distance friendship, but it clearly isn't what she wants with you. And that's totally okay. She doesn't owe you that. Maybe she's got as many friends as she can manage.

Just goes that way sometimes. Perhaps they met at a different time in their lives.

Nobody owes you a friendship just because you want it. Try looking into some group activities.

Imagined from their point of view:

"A friend of a friend I had only met a couple of times came to vacation in my country (she's from the other side of the world) and I thought it would be nice to show her around for a few days. In all honestly we don't have much in common apart from the mutual friend but we mostly got on okay in person - just a couple of times she looked at me like I'd grown an extra head for being friendly, but maybe I'm mistaken. She sent me a couple of nice messages after she went home, which is fine, but now she seems to want to keep in touch even though we really still don't have much in common. I feel bad because I've been being slow to reply and even not replying sometimes, but she still doesn't seem to take the hint. I have got a busy life and I don't mean her any ill will but I just don't think we are a good match for a friendship. AIBU to ask you how to gently let this acquaintance know that wish her well but I don't particularly want to keep in touch??"

That's nothing to do with the comment you've quoted...

She isn't a friend, she was / is an acquaintance. Huge difference.

Would it help to frame it a bit like trying to find a boyfriend?

Metaphorically, you met somebody through a mutual friend who you thought was nice enough, but you weren't really sure if there was a spark, and there were a few things they did that you weren't really into. You dated for a little while longer because there weren't any red flags, but it's fizzled out lately because neither of you particularly fancy each other and though you like the idea of having a boyfriend, you don't have romantic chemistry or any sexual tension with him.

Metaphorically, she's the guy in the above scenario not because she might be gay, but because she's figured out sooner than you that there's nothing to really base a relationship (friendship) on, going forwards.

Good for them :) It doesn't look like she wants to do the same with you, and she's allowed to feel that way. It doesn't mean she's a crap friend, it just means that there's not enough of a spark of friendship between you two for her to want to keep in touch. That's okay, she's allowed her own free will.

She sounds like a perfectly nice person prepared to help you have the best holiday you could have as a favour to a friend.
In return you've called her a crap friend and been just weird about the poor woman. She wasn't your friend, she was a new acquaintance.

It just hasn’t worked out this time OP. Your personalities didn’t click.

It wasn’t really a waste of time because you got to experience a new place with a nice person.

You sent a few messages. So what?
Get over it. She’s not a crap friend because she’s not a friend. She’s a friend of a friend.

But presumably they were close friends, then one of them moved to Australia, rather than vice versa?

I live in a place that is popular to visit and have been in her place many times with friends of friends. I welcome them, let them stay and show them around because I like meeting new people and as a favour to our mutual friend. But I am being friendly, rather than being their friend. I think you have confused the two, OP. She has never been your friend, she was just being friendly and welcoming to a visitor.

When people have visited me, we often exchange a message or two afterwards, and then that’s it. That’s because we aren’t friends. When I visit where they come from, I would never stay with them because I would rather spend my time with friends. Occasionally I have met them again when they have joined us for dinner/drinks one evening.

She hasn’t done anything odd. You have misinterpreted this situation, OP.