Crap friend

[PerkyOchrePeer]

I went on holiday last year and met up with a friend of a friend. I didnt really know her but was grateful that she offered to show me around. We didnt have much in common but rubed along ok. I thought she was a bit full on with her behaviour and wondered if she was gay. After the holiday, we went our seperate ways and i sent her the odd fìendly wassap message to which she replied to but in a cold polite but not that friend manner. The last couple of messages she totally ignored so i have now deleted her from my phone and wont be messaging her again.

I was annoyed at first because i have made an effort to remain on friendlý terms

Do you fancy her? Is that the real issue here?

Yes. She was just being polite and welcoming but doesn't want to develop a friendship by the sound of it.

I agree with the person that said she's not a crap friend, she was a really great acquaintance for the time that it was useful.

Why are you trying to pursue a friendship with someone that you don't really like all that much? (Evidence: you don't have that much in common, you thought she was a bit full on and you think her replies were cold).

Sorry op, she's just not that into you. She did a nice thing for you, but she doesn't want to be your friend or your lover. And that should be ok! She doesn't owe you friendship.

Did you go in the trip to exclusively make friends with this person. I really don’t understand your upset. She isn’t a friend. She is an acquaintance.

But you didn’t like her. You said she was too much. Why are you bothered? She has clearly go the message. Move on.

What effort do you feel you put in after the trip? I thought it was only a few WhatsApp messages.

I think you’re feeling a bit stung, she seemed to like you because she put herself out and complimented you whilst you were there…but now you’re home she’s not actually that bothered.

Just a thought Op, how did you thank her for her time and effort whilst you were on holiday? Did you say thank you, but her a meal or a gift? If not she may feel that you went to a lot of effort and you didn’t say thanks 🤷🏽‍♀️

Why expect a complete stranger to spend their time on WhatsApp keeping you entertained?

But it’s still not clear why you’re annoyed she doesn’t want to keep in touch?

OP you don't seem to be taking on board anyone's comments.

She was nice to you, you found her too full on, but you want to en friends. Why? It's okay that she doesn't and I'm assuming she doesn't live near you anyway.

It just seems a bit of a non event OP. You met through circumstance, she showed you around a place but you didn't really gel very well, you sent a few texts when you got home and it's fizzled out. These things happen. It wasn't like she was a close friend who ghosted you, it was just an acquaintanceship that never went any further.

I'd stop fretting about wasted time. How long did sending a few texts take you anyway? Stewing about it is just giving it headspace it doesn't deserve.

I cannot speak for her I can only speak for myself and I did try to maintain contact and she did answer a couple of messages but then stopped and the last few messages were not answered so sorry decided not to bother anymore.

Do you often get social signals mixed up OP? The way you're talking suggests reading social signs and situations is difficult for you? I'm wondering if that's played a part here.

I think the main issue is that I want to increase my social circle but I don't look closely at the peaplore I'm choosing and I'm latching onto anybody because they are better than nothing and what I should do is choose people wisely and only go for people who are genuinely interested with whom I have things in common and I'm not even sure why she bought it showing me around anyway because we are like chalk and cheese. No I think back on it she behaved like any tour guide would do that you see taking groups of people around and they get paid for it because it's their job

1 I have actually been in this situation before with someone showing me around but the person that showed me around we got on very well and we became really good friends and we had loads in common and I still don't understand why the woman wanted me to stay with her because we weren't friends we didn't get on that well and yet she would prepared for me to stay in her home I would never ever ask an acquaintance I Hardly Knew to stay in my home unless of course I was running a bed and breakfast which is a different matter because they would be paying me

You sound very difficult to put it mildly. You didn’t like her, you’re criticising her for doing a nice thing (showing you round and inviting you to stay) you didn’t get on very well and found her “too full on”, but you’re now annoyed she doesn’t want to remain in contact? Make it make sense! She gave up her time to show you around and offered for you to stay with her because, oh I don’t know, she’s a generous person. But you seem to resent that. Now you feel like this person you don’t seem to respect or like owes you friendship. It’s all very skewed.

If you feel you’re lacking in a social circle, I mean this nicely, but have you had a real examination of your own behaviour because the way you’re coming across here (critical, entitled, resentful) doesn’t scream “person people want to be friends with”.

Kindly, I think you need to work on yourself. It sounds like you feel rejected by this person but rather than just accept that not everyone wants to be friends with you but can still be polite and friendly, you have turned quite nasty about her.

I think this is the issue. Most people don't want to be in someone's social circle just for the sake of it and because they're 'better than nothing'. Maintaining friendships takes time and effort and is only really worth it for someone you actually like. You and this woman didn't really like one another. For her that means she's not interested in bringing you into her social circle, whereas you were still wanting to do that because you want more friends.

I think you're right that you need to focus on people you have a real connection with and actually like.

You are way over thinking this. It sounds like you don't have many friends, so perhaps you have the wish/expectation that every social interaction might lead to a friendship. That's not usually the case. Only a few of our interactions lead to lasting friendships. The majority are as you describe, ie you will have a perfectly pleasant time together but don't have enough in common to sustain a lasting friendship.

What country were you in ? Different cultures can sometimes be incredibly polite and take responsibilities for people's friends/families very seriously. While you were there she felt like it was her responsibility to make sure you were happy/cared for.

It sounds like, from what you've said, you might have been hard work and stand offish due to your concern that she was attracted to you and once her responsibility to you while you were in her country was over, she saw no need to continue contact. Especially as you yourself admit you did not get on that well despite this women going out of her way to offer you hospitality.

I was in australia andi was not selfish. If i was selfish i wpuld ne er habe messaged jer afterwards.. I even said her I would show her around my hometown in England because she told me she was coming over to England two years after my visit and when I said that to her she said you don't need to and then she said to me she wasn't coming to England for quite a few years

I genuinely thought it would be a lovely idea because she showed me around her hometown and I would do the same to show how my hometown but she wasn't interested

If it's the Australian culture to show people around then I've got Australian relatives who just said to me we've got no time to show you around you on your own here's a bus map here's a train map and here's where you find a bus pass and they never ever took me anywhere in the four weeks I was with them I thought that disgusting

With all due respect, I don’t think we’re any the wiser as to what the problem is.

You can’t go through life getting so upset with people if they blow hot and cold with you. It’s just life basically. Trying to meticulously dissect their behaviour and then get upset at being ‘wronged’ is really not healthy! I remember a new work colleague a few years ago who just latched onto me. I was on a different team and didn’t even sit close by. She was a lot younger and ‘trendier’ than me and before long we started to spend occasional work lunches together. We had a lot in common and all was good. Then one day she just blanked me out of the blue and had seemingly latched onto others for lunchtime company. Sure I was a bit peeved and outraged 😅 since she had sought my company but just put it down to her being young and immature and put it out my mind. Sometimes just recognise and accept things for what they are and move on!

OP, I am going to be as blunt as possible here.

She does not like you enough to maintain a friendship. She felt obligated to spend time with you, because she told her friend she would. Possibly it was not unpleasant for her, but it was also not the dawning of a new friendship. She fulfilled that obligation. Now she is done with you.

People tell people they look nice all the time. It doesn't imply interest. It is polite to offer your jumper to someone who is cold if they are from overseas and presumably have limited outerwear with them. Again, it doesn't imply interest.

It seems like you are very lonely, as basic kindness reads to you as overtures of a relationship and someone withdrawing is so deeply upsetting. I think this is something to work out in therapy.

OP, are you quite well? It sounds fairly clear that she was doing a favour for a friend of a friend who was staying nearby, which was nice of her, but was probably more about her friendship with the mutual friend than about you. You got on ok, but she’s not interested in staying in touch as she was doing a favour for a friend in looking after you.

You want to increase your social circle, but that’s not her responsibility. She’s done her job in looking out for you on holiday. It’s unclear why you think it’s still her responsibility to stay in touch, or let her show you around your hometown if she visits the UK.

And it’s really pretty normal to send visiting friends and family off with a map and a guide to public transport! The people you’re visiting aren’t on holiday!

But it’s not the opposite of ‘selfish’ to message someone repeatedly after you met them on holiday! You say she initially replied politely, but not in a particularly friendly way — that was her saying she wasn’t interested in an ongoing relationship. It’s possible she found you difficult to be around, especially if you made it obvious you found her too ‘full on’ and thought she was gay and attracted to you! Surely it’s not that difficult to understand that she was kind to you on your stay because of your mutual friend? And given that you don’t seem to have liked her much, and to have been suspicious of her motives in inviting you to stay in her place, and that she lives on the other side of the world, it’s difficult to know why you ‘automatically assumed you would stay in touch.