Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

His mother shouldn't be pressurised to take him back either, no doubt he's burnt his bridges there too. The police or social services can sort that out, if he hasn't disappeared off into the night for a while, which he hopefully has.

I would urge you to reconsider both not calling your husband yet and not calling the police, lots of people have things going on in their lives but that isn’t an excuse for him, he will likely do it again to others or you

Who would that be then, some unassuming foster carer or care worker who has to try to mange his violence? Why?

He needs to be managed by his parents, the dad needs to come home for a start.

Based on your timings, your DH is in Perth - happy to be corrected.

In Perth, 5 am is running late for a lot of people. Wake him up. Six in the morning is when half the city is at work. Ring him now.

He doesn't. Violent teens often do quite well in foster care actually.

Though at his age he'll prob be told to fuck off. Good.

I think you should call the police, he has you scared of being in your own home if you notm9gor on well and this was our of character then I wouldn't suggest that but this is someone who is almost an adult and his behaviour to you is escalating. I don't think he should be allowed back into your house either. I think you need to change the locks tomorrow at the very least

He’s probably sitting in a MacDonalds.
Phone the police. Phone your husband.
5am, well 6 now, perfectly reasonable time to call.
And if your DH doesn’t tell you to call the police, it shows where his priorities lie.

Don’t keep quiet, don’t let it be a secret. Don’t put yourself at risk.

Is that a joke?

I don’t think there’s much to be gained from calling the police right now, you’re not in immediate danger. If he comes back that’s a different matter and you absolutely should call them in order to prevent escalation. For now just keep the house locked and take some time to calm down and look after yourself, and talk to your husband when you are able to. I think some of the responses on here are way too heated. This situation needs a calm approach. Obv it’s unacceptable and you can’t be living in fear of this so DH will need to step up, you can always go to police tomorrow if you feel it’s appropriate.

Why should you live with this git? You generously offered to open your home to him and he has totally abused his chances.

OP, I really wish you would call the police. You say you feel like a failure but don't worry about that right now. It's a Monday night, if he's at a friend's parent's house he might be about to be turfed out of there. Don't be alone if he comes back demanding to be let in. Please listen, it's not just a few of us saying call the police, it is quite a lot And some of us have been in your shoes too. It's the right thing to do, please call them.

How awful for you, OP. Please do something to make sure you are safe tonight. Call the police or a relative to come and stay at least.

This is incredibly serious.

I've known two neighbours (in different locations) who were killed by their son or step son.

Please get help. You aren't thinking straight because it's been such a shock - you need someone else with you.

Women know how dangerous this is. We read about it all the time, but we make excuses, we say they've had it tough, we feel "sorry for them". But it's not them who end up killed. It's women. Don't handle this or face him alone.

Absolutely.
5am is not the middle of the night.
Phone the police. You are doing nobody any favours by not phoning them. Your DH is away another 2 weeks if you don't take steps he could do it to you again or worse and how will you feel if he goes on to behave like that towards someone else.
He's old enough to know better.
He's got no respect for you and DH shouldn't have left you with him being like that cos it wont have just started when he jetted off to OZ..

OP, a term you might find helpful is 'Child on Parent Violence'.

Reporting to the police might open up support from social services.

Take care of yourself.

This is exactly why you need to get the police involved NOW. He hates women and you will bear the brunt of this more and more now this has happened. This will get worse, not better.

This is a family emergency. Your husband needs to be notified.

I get you feel calling the police will get your stepson in trouble. But, he's now crossed that line of violence. He's much more likely to hit you again and harder now that line has been crossed. Abuse escalates. You are at risk for more physical abuse, in fact, you're in danger. That's why you need the police.

This is DV why on earth would you present such a leisurely timescale about the police being called?

OP may well be asked 'why have you left it until now, the incident happened yesterday'.

you have asked for advise and have been advised to call the police and his dad . This advise will also come from people with experience in this situation. But you are now just making excuses for him and seems like you are defending him . He will have no respect for you, but furthermore, you will have no respect for yourself. He will see you as a pushover, and that is because you are letting him treat you like one. His behaviour in the house is utterly disgusting. If you want things to change, only you can do it .

I'm so sorry you went through this but you need to call both the police and your husband. Also when he returns get the police to supervise him while he packs his belongings and also remove him from your home. He can go back to his mum's or boyfriends place instead, because assaulting you was not ok. He'll continue to be physically violent if he faces no consequences and will be worst next time. Your safety comes first and also get the locks changed.

It's not hard to see why he doesn't get along with his mother and her husband.

So you won't call the police, who are trained professionals in deescalating domestic violence and ensuring everyone is safe.

You won't call your husband, who brought his troubled almost-adult step/son to live with you, then buggered off to the other side of the world for a month.

You are willing to consult the collective experience of MN, but only if you can then ignore the consensus advice offered.

How exactly are we supposed to help you?

Why should a group of strangers worry about you, when you think your husband and the boy's father should not have to be bothered?

What can we do, when you reject the help of the police, who are the designated protectors in our civil society?

Calmly lock the house.
Calmly report the assault to the police.
Calmly ask a friend to come over.
Calmly arrange for a locksmith.
Calmly wake your sweetly snoozing DH and tell him what happened.

If you have some bin liners, calmly stuff them with the young man’s possessions and drop them out of an upstairs window.

What has happened to you in the past that makes you think you are the bottom of the pecking order?

Can't call police because he's still young. Can't call your husband because he's sleeping.

This guy has hit you. In your home. He has routinely disrespected you and it's escalated. Yes, he may need help but by ignoring it and making excuses is not helping anyone.

But how do you know she isn't in immediate danger? She needs to prioritise her safety. He hit her. He could come back at any time. And what is her husband really going to be able to do to protect her right now? He's in Australia.

I'd say the likelihood is that you're right and he probably won't come back, but knowing how many woman are killed each year do you really think she needs to just take some time to calm down? I really think at the very least she needs someone with her tonight.

Call the police OP.

The boundary has been crossed. If he hits you once, he will hit you again. He has no respect for you and the violence could even escalate. You aren't safe around him.

Intervention while he's still young might help him off the path but leaving him as he is with no serious consequences will lead to complete disaster.

You're doing him a favour.

Wow. I hope you’re feeling okay. I get why you don’t want to call the police, but I really think you need to call your husband ASAP.

If your SS turns up and you don’t let him back in, you could be leaving him in a very dangerous situation. With your husband awake he could at least work out a plan, even if that’s ringing friend’s parents or booking a hostel for the night etc.