Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

He assaulted you, OP. The disrespect would be enough for me not to want him in my home, but physically attacking me is off the scale. He would never set foot over my door again.

Even without the slap, his behaviour towards you is unacceptable, OP, and he should be thrown out.

In the unlikely event that you want a man's opinion, I'll say what most other posters have said: call the police and call your husband.

Absolutely this. You also have every right to be safe in your home and at this point you are not without taking serious action.

This is your house. Your own house. Husband isn't here and he has brought this shit-show to your door.

You are the decision-maker here.

You absolutely can't live like this and he put the nail in the coffin tonight.

Call the police for both of your welfare. They will pick him up, then you decline his return and take control of your own life. Don't be so passive, waiting for the next thing to happen. Take charge.

I've known two neighbours (in different locations) who were killed by their son or step son.

There was an article about this in the Guardian. Terrifying.

Don’t become another statistic on the news. Please.

His behaviour must have consequences.

Entirely reasonable to wake your husband at 5am. It’s hardly the middle of the night.

I would definitely call husband . His son,his responsibility!

Don’t let him back in ever I think you mean @Shoemadlady

Agreeing with everyone else, call your DH. Does he know about the weed, the boyfriend round against your wishes, the door left open ?

@soupyspoon @DaniO2
The police are not going to come out in a hurry considering that the OP is not in immediate danger, immediate danger would be him still in the house and kicking off. That’s not the situation, he isn’t there. As I said if he comes back, that’s different. If OP calls the police now likely, they will turn up in six hours or so, meaning she’s not going to get a proper nights sleep. She could just as well go and talk to them tomorrow, she will not be punished for waiting until the following day. Forgive me but I do have some experience here. They are not going to keep her company all night and they are very unlikely to hunt him down . I’m not passing judgement on what happened. I’m simply saying this is not a 999 job as it currently stands.

Don’t have him back with you ever. A line has been crossed and you’re not safe in your home if he’s there.

I think you’re very silly not to report this to the police - he’s unlikely to go to jail but it will teach him it’s not ok ever.

I think your dh's reaction when he hears what has just happened (particularly if he is woken early) will tell you everything you need to know.
Are you worried he'll be cross with you for bothering him when he's busy?

But if she calls them then at least the police are aware so if she rings to says he's back there's more background info already there and the response time might be quicker.

You really do need to call the police, even just so people realise you are serious and will do so in the future. I would also be getting the locks changed in case he has another key copied somewhere, or at the very least deadbolts.

Do not return his keys to him or allow him to stay with you again. Do not do it! Make it clear that he is not to come near you or the property. When your DH returns he can meet him somewhere.

I meant someone she knows - a friend a relative to be with her, so she isn't alone in case he comes back. I'm not imagining the police will stay with OP all night.

And I doubt OP will be getting much sleep after what has happened anyway.

I also have some experience and sadly in those cases two women ended up dead. I'm not saying that is the most likely outcome here, and I don't want to scare OP unnecessarily, but why take the risk?

He'll probably try to sneak in by breaking in, in the middle of the night, if he has nowhere else to go. These little shits always try to weasel their way back in, and he obviously feels fully entitled to your home AND to abuse you. He hates women and he hates you. Please listen to what everyone is telling you. You already said husband will back you up.

Another person here saying call your H now, 5.20am is not the middle of the night.

And log the call with the police, as you SS isn’t there right now they aren’t going to do anything with it straight away but if you have to call them due to escalating violence they have a record your SS has previously assaulted you.

‘Counting Dead women’ is sobering reading. Most women are killed by male partner or ex-partner, followed by son/step son and some are killed by grandsons. Never ever feel you’re not as much at risk because it’s a family member you are more at risk.

Do not let him back in. Call the police. He sounds utterly vile and ungrateful.

I didnt say it was a 999 job and neither did I say or imply they would come out now. The reality is that the longer she waits the less memory she will have of it, the less she will think its important and the more likely he is to turn back up without a police report on file already of violence from him to her at that address.

I also have vast amounts of experience here, working with victims of DV is part of my job and working with violent children also unfortunately.

If you neither want to wake your husband or involve the police I would text dss and say he is not welcome back in your home at this time and any attempts to enter the home will result in you contacting the police. Hopefully will that act as a deterrent.
I also wonder thinking about the bigger picture what your dh has done to instil respect for you in dss?

Another vote for police.

Managed to get hold of DH once he woke up. He’s absolutely furious and really upset. Not just at what happened tonight but how much worse things have clearly been getting while he’s been away.

He’s messaged DSS and told him to call him straight away. He’s got one of those apps that tracks location and it looks like DSS is with his sister so nowhere near here, which is a bit of a relief tbh. At least I know he’s not coming back in the middle of the night.

For those still saying I should’ve called the police, I get it, I really do, and I’m not saying I’ll never go there if things escalate again, but I’m not ready to involve them yet. It feels like a last resort and I’m trying to hold onto what little relationship we have left for DH’s sake.

Weirdly the first few days after DH flew out, things were actually ok. DSS was calm, wasn’t inviting anyone round, was out most of the day doing his own thing, coming back for dinner and staying civil. DH would check in regularly and DSS would usually respond. But it’s like the longer DH has been away the worse it’s got.

He was really upset about DH going to Australia. Didn’t say it much but you could tell. But it was a work trip and DH honestly tried to get out of it but couldn’t. He told DSS it would only be a month and they could do stuff together when he’s back, watch the football, drive down to the coast, that kind of thing. DSS seemed ok with it at the time.

I don’t think his mum would take him back. She and her partner both do drugs and it’s just constant drama and chaos over there. That’s why he came here in the first place. He said he felt safer. But now I’m sat here not feeling safe in my own home and just wondering what the hell I’m meant to do next.

DH says he’ll try and talk some sense into him but he’s devastated this has happened while he’s away.

Immediately phone your husband regardless of the time, of course. This is far more important than his sleep.

It’s not acceptable. Lots of love to you.