Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

Did anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't hit anyone?

Yes why is he in Australia for a whole month leaving the OP to look after his troubled violent son?

Don't be so rude. Of course I read and know why he is in Australia HOWEVER very few people have to go overseas for that length of time at short notice. The father knew his son was troubled but still left him with a woman who is no relationship to him and who has already had issues with him. Many jobs require overseas travel, of course they do but very few require such long absences from home without making arrangements for the rest of the family to accompany them.

Sorry to be contrary Valeriekat but in my line of work overseas travel is part of the job, and like the DH tends to be weeks at a time. It would be unheard of for me or my colleagues to expect partners or families to be brought out for a month's trip. That's been the case for all the companies I have ever worked for.

@Valeriekat I do agree with @Pateallday . Both DH & I worked in roles where travel for extended periods was quite normal, often at short notice. Op did explain that her DH had tried to get out of it.

But I do agree, he needs to bear some responsibility for this and a strong talking to is not enough.

Looks like the OP has abandoned the thread. 3 posts last night then nothing. She probably found it overwhelming

I'm not surprised with all the comments saying that she ought to be hitting him - one saying that she ought to hit him so hard he would be unable to sit down. A really good way to show him that violence is unacceptable...

There was like two comments of that nature. The rest on the whole were worried for the op and many wanted her to go to friends or family so she wasn't scared or alone and a large number who recommended she call the police.

No there were several. Some have now been removed.

Lots of jobs require people to travel and be away, often for weeks at a time and it’s in their contracts. And no accommodations are made for their families. Choice is do the job or find another.

"How telling it is he's chosen....." Maybe not. Maybe because his Father isn't there he's got away with more than he usually does, and without someone to pull him up hes gone too far - I wouldn't mind betting he knows it but doesn't know how to row back from it. At 17 he's still more child than adult, but unfortunately he's in a man's body now and can get himself in a load of trouble. I'm not playing down OPs anxieties, I've been somewhere similar myself, but if he ends up with nowhere to go he'll only have bad influences to turn to.
I'd still change the locks though.

No you wake your husband up and you call the police too. Enough is enough, the lads behaviour is out of line anyway but bring violence in the mix? He didn't just cross the line, he ran over it. Change the locks and under no circumstances let him back in the house.

You’re several days late with exactly the same advice hundreds of people gave her.

Sounds like DSS is terrified of being abandoned again. And thats awful, but hes responsible for how he behaves regardless how he feels.

I think DH needs to have a firm conversation about boundaries if he wants to stay. And one of those needs to be therapy, both on his own and maybe with you both.

This has to be a mistake thats only forgiven once

Change the locks tomorrow and then talk to your DH properly. It's great he's going to talk to his son but you need him to know he can't just turn back up again and you won't be living with him.

OP, you have no obligation to update here but a lot of us would appreciate it you could. Meanwhile, we hope you are safe.