Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

No. We don't use neurodivergence to excuse away male violence.

Hope your OK op. Please don't allow him back into your home. Put your safety first. Even though it sounds like he has had difficulties in life. This does not allow him to invade, and degrade your safe space and harm you also.

I agree with a pp: the damage was done growing up in a drug-filled household.

Unless it has been very recent, where was Op's husband whilst this was happening?

Can we please try, really try hard, not to casually armchair diagnose a teenager with serious MH conditions like psychopathy and sociopathy from a couple of posts on mumsnet? It isn't going to help the OP, and it trivialises the importance of appropriate qualified mental health diagnosis and support.

Absolutely children who grown up in inappropriate environments are likely to have had permanent changes to their brain development that a healthy child in a loving and healthy home environment gets to enjoy the absence of. As a foster carer I know that very well indeed. But FGS let's not write off a 17 year old who is only 6 months out of his mum's chaotic home and still finding his feet in his adopted father's home and also in the big wide world. ABSOLUTELY his behaviour is unacceptable, ABSOLUTELY OP needs to be safe, but at 17 and only just out of his mum's drug-fuelled home there's also ABSOLUTELY every chance that his adopted father can help him become a healthy and functioning young man.

"DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start."

It sounds like the boy lived with his mum (and maybe his father), then with his mum and OP's DH, then later with a (second?) stepdad (for an unknown length of time, presumably years, presumably with some contact with OP's DH) until earlier this year (so around 6 months ago) when he asked to come and live with OP and DH.

OP's DH adopted the lad at some point (6 months ago maybe?). The boy's father is not the OP's DH. So the short answer is probably "Around, but not always living with him, and not as primary parent figure until 6 months ago, and as one parental figure amongst several, at least two of which are high"

Have a conversation with college about looked after child syndrone which is very common in adopted children. See what support they can offer.

All sorts of odds thoughts go through their minds and if there is contact with the other side sometimes the history gets mixed up.

That’s horrifying @WearyAuldWumman 😢

Im not excusing violence but there have obviously been environmental factors that have led to this point. He has a fractured relationship with his mother, and trauma as a result of being in that environment. His primary attachment is with his dad now who has left for 4 weeks. He crossed a line and made a a terrible mistake that must never be repeated but honestly I think he needs therapy as he is obviously struggling to regulate his emotions.

@SporadicMincePieMuncher

I absolutely agree with your post about not arm chair diagnosing this boy.

But with regard to the adoption.

As a foster carer have you ever heard of a 17 year old being adopted ? It's highly unlikely that its happened in the last 6 months. What social worker would have agreed to that assessment ?
Op says her husband brought them up from when they were young so my assumption would be it happened in the past.

This is assault and battery. Call police. Press charges. Get him out and a restraining order. He’s practically an adult. He needs consequences. Sounds like a sociopath

I know step parents get villified on here, but seriously, he can’t come back to your house. It’s your sanctuary, you should be safe there. I think you need to tell your Dh he’s not coming back, I don’t think there’s any coming back from an assault. Hugs, @midwifemayhem this is really shitty for you.

The boy's father is not the OP's DH.

No I know.

Well, he obviously has been since he adopted him.

I was thinking maybe some time ago as Op puts that he raised both from young.

Obviously that's not necessarily the case though.

To clarify

Adoption severs the legal link with the birth parents.
Ops husband adopted him, therefore her husband is his father

It sounds like, until recently (when quite a few teenagers move out or to college anyway) that the thug has lived with his biological mum. The only ‘looked after’ aspect is that OPs dad adopted him when he was young. I’m not sure I’d count that as being ‘looked after’. By the same assessment, 46% of children in the U.K. would fall under your category of ‘looked after’ which I feel is a) a disservice to children in the care system and b) if we give nearly 50% of the young adult population a free pass to behave as they wish but to just ‘look for support’ how would society look?
He knows right from wrong. He’s 17. Simply a bully. He needs punishing. Ideally with the full extent of the law to kick him into touch, rehabilitate him in an environment where women are safe and to, hopefully, ensure he doesn’t continue being a violent women-beating waste of space.

This is completely irrelevant to this situation

He is the child of his biological mother who he lived with until a few months back.

OPs husband bought the boy up as his own from an early age and to presumably cement the family unit, he adopted the boy. The boy's biological father does not hold PR, that is held by the mother and OPs husband.

OP doesnt say when her husband exited that family unit, could be years ago, could be recently.

I haven't read all the comments so not sure if this has been said before but if you have any marks on your face take a photo of them, even if you are not going to use them this time, you have them as evidence for anything later.
Also not wanting to throw the police at him, yes it will be devastating to start with but it could be the shock and assistance he needs to start seeking help for his issues.

Doesn't change the fact that OP has a right to feel safe in her own home.

He's 17, not 7. He knows full well he can't hit someone and there not be consequences.

I agree with this. I don't feel huge sympathy for the 17 year old, but looking at his background it is not at all hard to see why he's so messed up. Anyway, the main reason I wouldn't call the police is the huge amount of hassle it is going to cause for the OP, all round. It would be a one and done thing though, anything like that and obviously the police will be called next time.

I'd lock him out, insist the husband must be around at all times if the son is there in future, and discuss from there.

That kid is somewhere shakin’ in his boots, waiting for the police to show up any minute.
The adrenaline has worn off and the recriminations have set in.
Where’s he gonna live now? He blew it at his dad’s house and he hates it at the druggie’s.
He’s served himself a shit sandwich is what he’s done.
He’ll lie low till dad gets home and then maybe the sister can be the negotiator.
F**king little coward.
Guess nobody ever told him that YOU DON’T HIT GIRLS. EVER.

Are you ok OP?

True, you're probably right about an adoption happening in the past.

I had assumed that as it was so recent the OP was using the word adoption as an overly simplified way to mean that her DH has informally decided to take responsibility for providing a safe home with stable guidance to the 17 year old. I thought she probably using the word to pre-empt "Send him back!" comments. On reflection she probably did mean formally adopted as younger children.

How are you @midwifemayhem ?

Also wondering if you are safe.

Obviously there have to be consequences for the boy, the only question is whether they are legal consequences. His father, that is legally OP's husband, needs to ensure he is being housed somewhere, whether with his sister, mum or arranged by social services. The father needs to come home if possible.

He is 17, there is still time, although not much, to teach him this sort of behaviour is unacceptable without giving him a criminal record.

Of course there should be consequences. Committing to therapy and anger management course at the minimum. Im just suggesting the context that this young man grew up in has formed his world view and set his nervous system
He is also not an adult yet. He does not have a fully developed brain yet. Let's not write him off. There can be consequences but with compassion.

I understand your feelings about involving the police. I would worry that the way things are with the police and justice generally that there is a danger that nothing will happen and it will give the SS the impression that it isn't a big deal.