Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

Yanbu. Secure the house and call the police. He will not be coming in ever again.

This.

And his son cannot remain living with you. That was already the case because of his attitude and behaviour but it is most definitely the case now. He cannot be allowed under the same roof as you now.
Tell your DH to get back and sort out the mess that is his son.

Thanks everyone who’s replied, I honestly wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or being dramatic but I’m really not, am I.

I don’t need medical attention, it wasn’t that kind of slap, more shocking than painful. Just rattled me. He stormed out and hasn’t come back yet. He does have keys but he didn’t take them so I don’t think he’s planning to come back tonight.

I know a few of you said to phone the police and I get why but I just can’t bring myself to go that far. He’s still a kid really and I think there’s a lot going on with him mentally and emotionally. Not excusing it at all but I feel like if I go down that road it’ll just blow everything up for good.

DH would absolutely back me if I told him and he’ll be furious when he finds out but it’s 5am for him right now and I didn’t want to dump it on him in the middle of the night. I know some of you think I should wake him anyway but I just couldn’t. He’s under pressure with work over there and I thought maybe I could wait till morning and have a proper call.

Feel like a total failure tbh. DS mostly listens to DH. With me it’s like I’m invisible or the enemy. He constantly makes digs, says horrible misogynistic crap like I’m just trying to control him or I’m jealous of his freedom or some rubbish. Won’t take no from me but if DH says it, it’s gospel.

I don’t want him back here tonight. Still sat with the doors locked, don’t know what I’ll do if he shows up. Just wish I knew how it got to this.

How do you think your DH will react OP?

Don’t worry about blocking him from the home, sounds like he has plenty of friends to stay with plus he can go to his mum’s. You can’t put someone up who is violent towards you. I think you’re in shock because you don’t seem to understand this but it’s obvious to everyone else.

edit: crossed post! you’ve answered all this.

OP - you HAVE to call the police. This can and likely will escalate.

You are not in the wrong to notify them. Please reconsider.

What an awful situation. I absolutely echo all the advice above. I hope you are ok.

Have you got anyone you can call to stay with you tonight? Just to calm you down and give you some moral support. It might help you get some sleep if you're worried too.
So sorry 😞

Phone your DH right now, (a) before you minimise it in your own mind, because of the inevitable fall-out from this domestic violence and (b) before his son phones him with some bullshit story about how you ‘just flipped’ and started assaulting him and screeching homophobic slurs, or some such.

Police. He is dangerous.

Keep the doors locked, absolutely do not have him back in your home. He has assaulted you and that’s unacceptable, hard life or not. That would be it for me, him crossing that line would mean I’d never have him back living in my home, you don’t need to put up with that. If he comes back, and/or makes a scene, call the police IMMEDIATELY. Do not allow him to intimidate you or hurt you again.

I would call the police and report DV and assault.

You dont have to make a full statement, you dont have to support prosecution but it does need to be fully reported to give professionals a pattern of behaviour to work with and support if he will engage with this.

You dont want to be accused of colluding with a perpetrator and unfortunatley this is what he is

He will be violent to others too no doubt

Make sure you change the locks

If he shows up, you call the police and have him removed. You don’t need to be dealing with this crap.
Ring your husband anyway? So what if it’s 5am?
This kid sounds awful and regardless of his upbringing he seems to have become YOUR problem because neither of his parents are around!

Keep the doors locked & call the police - you’ll be doing him a favour in the long run. Stay safe.

Do not let him back in tonight. Could you text him and tell him to go to his mums or stay with a friend as it’s not welcome back this evening? Could you text his mum?

He’s waited until his father is the other side of the world.
He’s a misogynistic bully who has been violent towards you.
He’s not a little kid. The age of criminal responsibility is TEN.
Don’t play into his hands.

This, no doubt he will make accusations against you OP

But it's almost 11pm here. Why should you wait until the middle of your night? 5am is not too early and will give your DH time to deal with the news before he has to go to work.

OP if you won’t call the police, and I understand why you don’t want to (even if I don’t agree with you), you must wake your DH up. You say he listens to DH. DH needs to call him and have a serious word and make sure he stays away till he gets back. I have a 17 year old - they’re not fully cooked, and I get your empathy for him, but you have to make sure you’re safe.

I'd contact the hubby and leave a voice clip of your version of events and how unsure of next steps you are. How friendly are you with the SS's mother? Could you give her a heads up that her son won't be able to stay there until at least DH's return? (Ie another 2 weeks).

Have him arrested, being adopted doesn’t give anyone the right to be abusive. It might just be the wake up call he needs. He sounds unstable and bc he was adopted he’ll use that as his excuse for his bad behavior. I wouldn’t let him back in. Throw him back to his mother.

Oh OP. Give yourself a shake. I know you’ve had a shock but ffs, this has been coming. Nevertheless, here we are while you’re:

Excusing his behaviour ✅
“He’s still a kid” klaxon ✅
Lots of emotional issues for him ✅
Blaming yourself ✅

Anything else? Maybe suspected neurodivergence or a quote about his brain not being developed until he’s 25?

You do nothing here (a chat with your husband counts as nothing) and you’re showing this little fucker that the next time you dare stand your ground, he can do what he wants. Remember he has waited until his dad is thousands of miles away to do this. He knows you’ll do nothing.

This is the type of scenario where you eventually end up with a knife in your chest while you sleep one night.

Good luck, honestly. You’ll need it.

Yeah he’s just a child which is exactly why you call the police. In a few months he’ll be a fully grown adult and he’ll have learned he can slap women round the face and get away with it if you don’t. You are doing him no favours by covering up his absue. You’re literally enabling it. And it isn’t the middle of the bloody night, it’s 5am. Wake him and call the police. He’s escalating and he gives no shots about your misplaced empathy. You’re obviously abused (more than just tonight) as your timid posts where you cow tow to this behaviour and stress about everyone else’s feelings but your own show. I’m not saying this to pile on - it just feels like you genuinely need a bit of tough love. Please call the police and set your boundaries in stone. You hit someone across the face you get arrested- that’s how it works.

If you're worried he'll show up that's why you call the police. Who cares what he's going through? Honestly OP, you're trying to protect him or protect your husband by not going through with it but your SS needs a wake up call. If you don't do anything next time it could get worse. It might be you it might be someone else.

Why should you be the one to deal with this alone and be awake scared all night? Please call the police and call someone nearby who can come over or collect you and take you to theirs. Forget keeping it private.

Also wake your DH up. He needs to know asap. Tell him to contact his son and tell him to stay away.

OP you second message was you weren't sure if you were over reacting. The consensus on here is definitely not. But what you are doing is under-reacting by not calling the police or your husband. Please rethink this and call both - preferably the police first .

Your dh has gone off across the world for FOUR WEEKS, leaving you to parent his son when he knows that son holds you in little regard and there are already issues? He has the luxury of being able to have agreed to this trip whilst you're holding the fort at home for him. The very least he can do is be woken up and be told what his son has done to you.
If the situation was reversed and you had gone abroad for work, leaving your child with your partner, I bet you'd be bending over backwards to help from 12,000 miles away (if indeed you had ever agreed to leave for that length of time).

@midwifemayhem why did he want to come and stay at your house? was he having problems with his mum or his next step dad? is his bio dad not in his life at all?? which country are you in OP because it is currently lunch time is oz?