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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

467 replies

midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 22:18

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

OP posts:
ByGreenHiker · 07/07/2025 22:25

Call the police first and foremost. He can take the consequences.

Lock all the doors and chain them. CoolIs mother and say you re not having him back in the house and mean it. I'm sure the police will find him a soul for the night. They actually will keep him in a cell, you know.

Bournetilly · 07/07/2025 22:25

Call your husband now and don’t let him back in the house!

outerspacepotato · 07/07/2025 22:26

Call the police, then your husband. Your stepson assaulted you and could be an active threat if he returns.

Keep doors locked. Does he have keys and did he take them?

Sophiehoney · 07/07/2025 22:26

I'm surprised at the amount of people that are not Immediately jumping to police. Forget his dad and don't send him back to his mums
Get him in a cell.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 07/07/2025 22:26

Do you have anyone that can stay with you?

Heronwatcher · 07/07/2025 22:27

Agree with others, phone police and then your DH. If SS comes back tell him he’s not coming back in, he can call his dad for some money for a temporary Airbnb, or he can go back to his mum’s.

Is it your house, your DH’s or joint? Not that it should make a difference- still don’t let him in- but if your DH wants to give SS another chance you might need to move out.

Catcatcat111 · 07/07/2025 22:28

I definitely wouldn’t let him back in the house. You need to tell your husband and kick the stepson out. Have you someone else that can stay with you?

Bushmillsbabe · 07/07/2025 22:28

Call your husband. This definitely counts as an emergency. You cannot let him back in your home. Is his sister there with you also.
I can only think of calling either social services or the police so they can ensure both his safety and yours. What he did is absolutely not ok.

Jojimoji · 07/07/2025 22:28

BeardieWeirdie · 07/07/2025 22:25

Call the police and never let him under your roof again. DH can live elsewhere with him if needed.

This.

Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff · 07/07/2025 22:28

Police, then husband, then a local friend who can come round to be with you if you have one.

So sorry, you've given him plenty of chances to behave with respect.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/07/2025 22:29

Call the police. Wake your husband.

Lock all the doors.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/07/2025 22:30

SunnyFTM567 · 07/07/2025 22:22

  1. Call police
  1. Wake up your damn husband
  1. Pack his bags and change the locks. You do NOT have to put up with domestic violence.

This. He’s assaulted you, it’s not safe for him to come back. Your husband needs to be informed so he can contact his son and support him to find alternative accommodation. He obviously can’t live with you any more, violence only ever gets worse.

concreteschoolyard · 07/07/2025 22:30

How awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I agree you should call the police and make sure he can’t get back in.

AnniesMother · 07/07/2025 22:30

Phone the police and your husband. Do not stand for this

kittenkipping · 07/07/2025 22:30

I echo all others, you are wildly under reacting. Police, husband, locks changed. You’ve been assaulted op. You are not safe with him. Abuse escalates.

Noshadelamp · 07/07/2025 22:31

Just take it one step at a time.

Do you need medical attention?

Can someone come stay with you or you go somewhere you feel safe tonight?

It is reasonable to call your DH at 5am, surely he would want to know.

Put yourself first.

You don't have to have step son back in the house and if your DH expects you to have him back when you don't feel safe and he's not even there so not listen to him.

2025ismybestyear · 07/07/2025 22:33

What a bloody shock. I'm so sorry @midwifemayhem . I hope by now you've spoken to your husband and the police. Do you need medical attention?

CrotchetyQuaver · 07/07/2025 22:33

I would agree with phone your DH, generally it's much more
an early to bed early to rise culture out there so you might not be curtailing his sleep that much.
Would you say he's a wrong'un generally or is this assault completely out of the blue, I think that will help you decide what to do next. What's your DH's reaction likely to be. Would he support you if you did ban your SS from the house with immediate effect? Personally I don't think that would be an over reaction. You have my sympathies, I had a family drama (illness/hospitalisation) start up whilst I was in Aus earlier this year, so completely understand how much harder these things are with distance and time zones.

Mummy7777 · 07/07/2025 22:34

midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 22:18

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

Hope ur ok Op x

Vaxtable · 07/07/2025 22:34

Personally I would call the police. The your DH and tell him that’s it, he finds some where else for his son, even if that means him moving out with his son

SemperIdem · 07/07/2025 22:35

I hope you’re ok op.

Lock the doors, call your husband. I would be inclined to call the police but I understand that it’s easier said than done.

However, I really don’t see how he can be under the same roof as you again following this assault.

Whatshesaid96 · 07/07/2025 22:36

Imagine you are shaken up. You've had some good advice, hope you are ok

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/07/2025 22:36

Call the police then your husband. If you call him first, he might try and talk you out of calling the police.

Serensnanna · 07/07/2025 22:36

Yes, phone your husband, then get the locks changed. You've just discovered why he wasn't getting on with his mother, and getting away with behaviour like this isn't going to help him

DorothyStorm · 07/07/2025 22:37

Catcatcat111 · 07/07/2025 22:28

I definitely wouldn’t let him back in the house. You need to tell your husband and kick the stepson out. Have you someone else that can stay with you?

This.

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