Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

This.

Echo what everyone else has said. Husband and police. Doors remain locked. If he shows up, call the police again. Take photos of any redness/injury on your face.

Don't let this dirty little bastard back in your home, ever. Sounds like he has made your life miserable. Let him see how he does on his own. Lowlife rat.

This.

I second call the police. Lock the doors. Call someone over or go to their if you can - family, a friend or neighbour.

This is totally unacceptable and do not allow your DH to minimise this. Who cares if he's in Australia, why should you have to deal with this.

I'm so sorry OP and hope you have ppl close to help.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please call the police and do not let him back in.
It’s also entirely reasonable to wake your DH up for this.

@midwifemayhem

Im an adoptive mum, there may well be a lot of stuff going on for your step son but the immediate priority now is your safety.

I assume there is a risk that he will try and come back tonight so lock the doors and call the police. Do not let him back in. This is also not the time to be concerned about your husbands beauty sleep. Call him.

Echoing all the above. It’s really serious. This time a slap, what next. Call the police asap

Check the doors/windows/put the chains on immediately. Every bolt that you have.

He is v v unlikely not to ramp up the violence now he’s started.

Call the police and report him for assaulting you.
Call your husband and tell him, and tell him that his ds will not be living with you as of now.

Do not let him back in.
Not if he apologises, not to collect clothes. Not for any reason.

OP you have been assaulted. Call the police. Call your husband immediately. Remove DSS from your house. Can you call a friend to come over for support?

Phone the police; he needs to be arrested for assault. Phone your DH. Call out emergency locksmith if you can't lock him out overnight.

What an awful situation to be in...but please look after you first before anyone else.

Yes, phone your husband, then get the locks changed. You've just discovered why he wasn't getting on with his mother, and getting away with behaviour like this isn't going to help him

Call the police. Do not have him back in the house. If DH doesn't agree don't have him back in the house either. He isn't a child, no 17 year old should be getting away with this, he needs reporting to the police and hopefully prosecuted and you need to keep yourself safe.

Call the police and make it clear he cannot be at the property, he is a risk to you and needs to go home to his mother

I’d throw his belongings on the driveway/lawn/street tonight. Fuck him. Don’t let him in. It’s not the same as an ex partner having the right to come collect their stuff; this boy has no rights. I hope you’re on the phone to the police, OP.

This you must call the police.

Call a locksmith now, will cost you but get the locks changed immediately

uhhh, police. 🤦‍♀️

Block and lock the doors
Phone the Police
Phone your husband

He absolutely should be denied entry to your home. Please lock the door and contact your dh and tell him to tell his son he is absolutely not to enter the home under any circumstances and he needs to communicate that to his son immediately. When you speak to your dh I’d point out how telling it is he’s chosen while your dh is away to physically assault you, which indicates he’s in control of his behaviour and has chosen to go for you when you’re vulnerable. If he wants anything he can tell dh what and you can gather it and drop it off somewhere where it is safe for you to so. Please don’t hesitate to call the police if he tries to return.

You will have to have the locks changed asap.
Can a friend or relative come to stay with you? Preferably a large brother or two.

Might he try to get in with his sibling? Assuming they have a key.

You poor thing, what a horrible shocking experience. You should never have been left alone with him given his shitty track record under your roof. And while it’s appalling he’s attacked you when you put your foot down you know you were absolutely right to do it and he’d have blown up at you about something else if it wasn’t this.

Everyone’s right, police, DH, never let him back in again. You deserve to be safe in your own home.

Are you ok @midwifemayhem? Have you managed to call your DH? Or someone to come and stay with you tonight?

Call the police. He needs to realise NOW that actions like slapping a woman have consequences.

You are doing him no favours by not reporting this.

1. Police
2. Lock doors, stick the key in the lock or block it

Your wider post about his behaviour indicates this is going on for some time - what has DH said, is it your place or his or shared?

You shouldn't let him back in at all.

just to say - if you are feeling any guilt or pressure not to involve the police because of the impact it may have on your SS, just remember that actually long term it might be in his best interests that you do. It may be the wake up call he needs.