Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

I’m so sorry. I hope this individual has had all the rotten luck in the world. I hope things got better for you x

So, so awful. I hope you are OK, OP.

Good that you are safe and he has no keys - lock up properly in case he tries to come back. If DH cannot fly home then you need to know you are safe in the house.

Does your DH think that his DS can carry on living with you?

You mustn't have him back to live with you, OP, even when your DH is back. He has crossed a line, and you should be able to feel safe in your own home.

Yes, doesn't sound like his mother has been a decent parent, sadly, shame on her. Yes, it will now be tricky for him to find somewhere to live, and a headache for your DH. Yes, he's young.

But still, you opened up your home to him with good will towards this boy, and he's literally thrown it back in your face. So it's tough but hopefully he will learn a lesson from this and turn himself around.

Maybe someone like my late DF, whose employment contract specified that overseas travel, when required, was an essential part of the job.

He was once told on a Friday afternoon that he had to go to Venezuela on Monday morning.

This is domestic abuse.
I would ring the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice on how to deal with the situation.
I would also be telling the stepson to pack his bags and find somewhere else to live. You have put up with enough and a line has now been crossed.
Actions have consequences and the lack of respect is untenable.

Yes, but he would have known that when he accepted the job, presumably in the knowledge that your mother was providing a stable homelife. OP's DH wasn't in that position.

His mother hasn't been a good parent but the father spending a month at a time in Australia....

I don’t think the mother being a drug addict is quite the same as the father going on a work trip. Bearing in mind this child is 17.

Maybe not, but a father who leaves his son in the care of a drug addict mother while he's on the other side of the world is a special kind of neglect. It's hardly surprising the boy can't regulate himself and is full of anger.

No one "has" to go to Australia in business, that's entirely a result of choices he's made that haven't considered his son, at all.

He didn't leave him with his mother and go off to the other side of the world

Def dont let him in.

Tell your DH.

He's crossed a line that can't be uncrossed

Sending you a hug xxx

Well quite. What he did do was abandon a son in crisis. You can surely see why the boyniabstruggligh cope when the people who are supposed to be looking out for him behave like that.

I'm sure DH can justify it but he left his son when he needed him most.

Your DH should have never left him with you in the first place. Who would have ‘looked after’ his son if you weren’t on the scene, or if you’d refused?
Your DH needs to take a look at his life if it means clearing off to Australia for a month and leaving his vulnerable child.

Feel like a total failure tbh. DS mostly listens to DH. With me it’s like I’m invisible or the enemy. He constantly makes digs, says horrible misogynistic crap like I’m just trying to control him or I’m jealous of his freedom or some rubbish. Won’t take no from me but if DH says it, it’s gospel.

You have absolutely NOT failed. Misogyny is the hatred of women, and your step son has this in spades. None of that is of your making nor your fault. Your DH may be able to control him but only because he is a man. Why hasn't your DH made the gospel of 'respect women/my DW'? That is the question you should be asking.

I'm also worried he'll hurt his sister. The DSS seems to hate women and thinks he can dominate them. I'd bet my house DSS doesn't throw punches at men larger than he is.

Errrrr call the police!!!!

Now he's done it once, don't think for a second he won't do it again.

You must call the police. The little cunt needs arresting.

And yet the OP said he seemed ok with it and things were good for the first few days. Sounds like the crisis came days after he left.

People seem to want it both ways, hes virtually a adult but then he's this helpless child who can't be expected to cope for four weeks while his dad is working.

The OP hasn’t been back for hours to update us.
I’m worried that the SS has gone back to the house and done something even worse or that the whole matter has been swept under the carpet with SS and the OP playing at happy families

Less emphasis on what you should or shouldn't say to your H from me, but I think it is worth paying close attention to your H's words and actions. This is a pivotal point in your SS's development - either he learns a positive lesson from this, or he learns that everybody will be scared of him, particularly women, and if they don't like it he can always lash out again harder next time.

Not only is this not too big a deal to wake your husband up with, but it's not too big a deal to call short his work trip to come home immediately because he has a family emergency. We tend to respect men's Big Important Jobs more than women's but that's patriarchal nonsense. He is a parent, and right now there is an emergency involving his family. If, IF he isn't coming home immediately he better be moving the god damn earth from where he is. Sending a locksmith to change your locks, ringing your son's phone off it's hook until he answers no matter what the time difference is, ringing his daughter, sending a handyman to install ring cameras at home and whatever else he can think of. Because this is his son and he is the only appropriate person to be dealing with this assault on his wife.

Adoptions can be massively difficult. I have two adopted GDs. One is lovely, but suffers from severe ADHD because of her birth mother's drug abuse during her pregnanacy. The other is a very difficult, very troubled young woman. She was taken away from an abusive background at the age of one, but the damage was done. Children's brains do not make the proper connections if they are negelcted and abused in early childhood and nothing can repair that damage. The best adoptive parents can do is try and help them cope and develop as well as they can, but this really needs support that isn't usually available.

Your stepson sounds as though he may well be one of these early damaged children. It's sad, it's tragic, but there's nothing you can do, especially on your own. He could well be dangerous - psychopathy and sociopathy can develop from these abusive and neglectful backgrounds.

You probably can't help your stepson. Anything more you do for him has has to be your DH's responsibility. In most step-parent cases, I would say you should step up and get involved. In this case, I don't think you should.

That’s why he came here in the first place. He said he felt safer. But now I’m sat here not feeling safe in my own home and just wondering what the hell I’m meant to do next.

This is the kicker, OP.

Don't let DH talk you into allowing him back into the house.

He assaulted you, FFS!

This is not your failure. You tried to help this young man after everyone else in his life (and I do mean everyone else) let him down, for years. But as they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

Your stepson's behaviour is somewhere between bully and disturbed. His father needs to come back and deal with this mess. How he deals with it isn't even the main point, he has to be present to do anything at all. No matter what he says, staying in Oz is the clearest "No matter what you do or who you do it to, it doesn't matter to me" message that any father could send to his son.

OP you need to protect yourself first. You can't help DSS at all while you are at risk from him. You've been left alone to deal with his. You need to call the police because who else is going to help you stay safe?

OP: Where are the 17-year-old's grandparents on both sides? Why can't either set step in to take care of the teen? Can he stay with someone else till he is done with his exams?

I agree with a pp: the damage was done growing up in a drug-filled household. There is nothing you can do except put yourself first and keep yourself safe. What if he shoves you and you fall hitting your head so hard it ends your life?

The teen needs to leave your household given that his impulse control is so poor he physically lashes out.

I understand about you not wanting to call the police BUT actions have consequences. If you don’t call the police, it’s all over anyway. There’s no chance he’ll ever respect you and he’ll think he can do it again. Police if only to scare the little shit.