Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

I reported it as well. This thread really is bringing out the worst in some posters.

Bottom line is DH adopted a child, with the attachment disorders he almost certainly suffers from, and then felt it reasonable to take a job that involves being on the otherside of the world for long periods of time.

This. At 17 he’s likely stronger than the OP as well. Little bully boy. He’d have had a slap back off me and never step foot in my house again.
A call from his dad to tell him off? Diddums. He sounds like an utterly indulged (upset at 17 yo about his dad having to work away for a few weeks for example) overgrown brat and OP is gaslighting herself by not taking this more seriously. He’ll attack again - maybe not OP but definitely another woman.

Thankfully it was acted on quickly.

This is harsh. “Little bully boy”, “indulged”, “overgrown brat”…

What he did was awful but the word that springs to mind considering the background OP gave us is “troubled”.

Harsh? He’s a thug who physically assaulted a woman in their own home because there wasn’t another man there to stop it.

Harsh, my arse.

Finally some sense!!

I wouldnt call the police either, its an over reaction and the implications aren't worth it.

I certainly wouldnt be allowing him back in the house until DH returned, have no contact with the boy and let your DH deal with him when he returns.

Has probably already been said but I really don't think it's a "DH is going to give him a talking to and make him see sense" sort of situation. More like, DH should go absolutely nuclear and strike the fear of God into him. Something like "How DARE you raise your hand to my wife??!!" Not "Oh dear, Nathan, what's wrong? You really shouldn't be behaving like this." The latter is an appropriate reaction to him leaving a bit of a mess in the kitchen on occasion. I have great sympathy for young people with complex challenges but surely this has got to be an absolute red line. Extremely tricky with DH away for so long. I wish you the best OP. You have the right to feel safe in your own home and were completely undeserving of that attack.

Sense?

At what point do you feel this thug should be held accountable for his actions? 18? 19? 25?
When is society going to wake up and say that DV towards women is NOT going to be minimised anymore!?

I wouldn't call the police but id be clear if he so much as touches me again the police will be called and you will prosecute and if there are terrible consquences for dss so be it.

I'd also have a calm conversation with your DH and say I'm open to various solutions but I cannot continue to live under the same roof as him. He's crossed a line and its just not viable.

Can he stay at his sisters ?

Please call the police. if not for yourself, then for the other women this man will no doubt attack in the future. Intervention now might prevent much worse things happening (for your step son's sake too)

They just seemed quite spiteful words to use about a kid who’s clearly had it rough.

Like I said, what he did was terrible and in her shoes I would definitely be keeping the door locked until DH comes back. However it doesn’t help to dismiss him as a spoiled brat when clearly the issues are much deeper than that.

As someone who grew up in a house surrounded by DV, perhaps if people grew a bit of a backbone and called people out for their shitty behaviour then they wouldn’t act like that. Maybe more people should use ‘spiteful’ words to describe spiteful behaviour. Unless you believe ‘having it rough’ makes it ok to physically attack a woman? I’ve had it rough. Do I get a free pass too? Stop with this minimising BS.

OK, I’m stepping back, this is clearly a triggering topic for you and you have very strong feelings about it. Understandably, but it makes it hard to have a discussion.

You’re right I do have extremely strong feelings and I can’t see your POV at all. A young male adult can be violent to a woman in her own home but there’s concern that a stranger on the internet described him with harsh words?

It’s a shame you won’t put yourself first.
It’s the downfall of women really.

Hear hear.

There is no way he can come back to live with you. He's crossed a line. It's assault and he's lucky you didn't ring the police. I hope your DH agrees he can't live with you again.

Please phone the police. At 17, he will probably only get a youth caution if that, but being taken down to a police station may make him realise how unacceptable this is.

Great news he left his keys. Don't let him back into the house until your DH is back in the house at the very earliest. If he can't stay with his mother or a friend, he can go to the council. They have a statutory duty of care whilst he is under 18.

We have had challenging issues with now 17-year old. We have now had social services involved after going through MASH. The social worker at MASH said I shouldn't have protected him e.g. taking to private counselling to keep cannabis use off NHS records etc. And certainly should have phoned the police when he brought cannabis into the house and smacked his younger sibling. They said our way had clearly not worked. I will certainly be phoning the police if he kicks off again.

You're right.

When I was punched at work, I didn't inform the police that I miscarried the next day. I had the misguided notion that I'd cause the boy irrevocable guilt and psychological harm. Years later, as a grown man he was boasting about the assault.

The only person who's protected when you fail to insist on action being taken is the perpetrator and then you're leaving him free to harm someone else.

As he is 17 he is technically still a child so Children's Services of your local council will have a duty to provide accommodation if he is homeless. So if you don't want to go the police route there is another option.

They might try to get you to take him back so be prepared to stand firm but I think you are well within your rights if he has hit you.

You'd be a fool to have him back in the house while your DH is away; he'll have gotten away with it and view it as the 'first' time.

If you're not willing to call the police (which you should), then he's out until your DH comes back and strict rules and living standards are agreed before he can come back. Failure to follow them means he's out permanently.

You both need to have a united front on this. Counselling a requirement might also be a good thing

I’m so sorry @WearyAuldWumman that is completely horrific.

The fact you were assaulted, the fact you miscarried and the fact you didn’t report it because somewhere along the line you’d presumably learnt to prioritise males - even to your own detriment.

I used to work with teens including young offenders and thankfully no violence happened but I was always very clear that any violence would result in resigning and a call to the police.

It's been more than 20 years and I'm still kicking myself for failing to act. To make matters even more galling, I realised years later that I'd been painted as a homophobe.

The police were called in and took statements, but I'd not given the info about the miscarriage. (I hadn't even been sure that I was pregnant until I lost it - the test result had been very faint and I was waiting a week before re-testing.) One of my male colleagues contacted the police to ask why we hadn't heard anything (after several of us had made statements, including the two men who were punched after coming to my aid) and was told that the paperwork had been 'lost'.

I suspect that the police didn't want the hassle and thought that it was sufficient that the boy had been passed to SACRO (a charity).

Footnote

I later found out why one of my colleagues - the school truant officer - had been able to stop the boy after the other two men had failed.

The day he retired, the truant officer (ex-police) told me that he'd said "Try that with me and your through that effing wall."

If he has only been like this since DH was away the situation seems to have escalated relatively quickly before reaching violence.

How did your DH “try” to get out of this trip? Was he told he would lose his job if he didn’t go? Regardless, he never should never have put you in this situation.

Probably the shock but think I would’ve phoned the police and DH straight away OP.