Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

Oh what bollocks. He's 17, not a baby, I was living alone at 17, working and paying bills after growing up with an abusive father and a mother who hated me. It didn't give me an excuse to go around hitting women and being a misogynist. I'm so sick of the lack of accountability for males. 17 is plenty old enough to know you don't hit people.

OP I think you've made a massive mistake in not going to the police, you're teaching him he can hit women with minimal consequences. A stern talk from dad once he comes home, is a weak response to outrageous, criminal behaviour.

I know a few of you said to phone the police and I get why but I just can’t bring myself to go that far. He’s still a kid really and I think there’s a lot going on with him mentally and emotionally. Not excusing it at all but I feel like if I go down that road it’ll just blow everything up for good.
What treatment is he getting for his mental/emotional issues and drug use right now? What treatment will he get if you call the police? Have a google.
Sometimes the boil has to burst before it can heal.

Disgusting shitty behaviour, do not let him back in. How dare he. Call your husband immediately and tell him what's happened.

Not to be pedantic but I didn't like the way u started the thread explaining his kids are adopted and not biologically his, it's completely irrelevant to what happened. I'm adopted myself and my parents are my parents. There was no need for that introduction, like they aren't really his kids.

With me it’s like I’m invisible or the enemy. He constantly makes digs, says horrible misogynistic crap like I’m just trying to control him or I’m jealous of his freedom or some rubbish. Won’t take no from me

Just wish I knew how it got to this.

Well, he has no respect for you at all-that's how.

I couldn't have him continuing to live in my house, I just wouldn't feel safe. I think your husband needs to move out if he wants to live with his son. Oh, whose house do you live in-is it yours?

@HarLace1 I think that the OP was explaining that her husband was originally the boy's stepfather in order to give us a fuller picture of his background. If I'm understanding correctly, he adopted the boy and his sibling after moving in with their biological mother who - it turns out - has a chaotic lifestyle.

My late husband's children were adopted - one as a toddler and one as a baby. They didn't have the same disruption to their lives as the OP's DSS, since their parents were together until a good while after both children had reached adulthood and had moved out of the family home. That's a very different experience from that of the OP's DSS.

Call the police.
Call your husband.
Keep doors locked.
Husband to advise the thug to live elsewhere.

You have 2 years to report this assault to the police as it is understood that victims of DV often have complex housing, financial, family and emotional situations to navigate as they still live with the perpetrator. But the sooner you do this the better for everyone - even the DSS. He needs the consequences to hit hard and swift.

As others have said - get a ring doorbell, cameras and 24/7 dashcam as this isnt going to stop. He will return - even if its to collect clean pants - and thats not safe for you and any other children in the house (if there are any).

Do you have friends, family, colleagues, neighbours IRL that you could speak to?

OP as well as risk of further assault, I'd be worried about having him back in your home without witnesses in case he made up lies about you.

The problem is the OP has another 2 weeks to navigate before her DH returns. For this interim period he shouldn't be staying with OP as he has already hit her once. He has lost the privilege of staying in her home. He has another parent in the UK that needs to step up

This.

Your DH has left you in a house with his violent DSS. Report the assault to the police.

You do whatever you need to, today, to keep yourself safe, and then your dh can sort it out when he gets back.

Oh for gods sake op wake the man up. His sleep is not.more important than what's going on. Also make it secondary to you packing da son bag and leaving it on the doorstep. He can call dh if needed himself. Do not let him.back in.

She did. Hours ago. You didn't read her replies on here, @Nazzywish .

Sorry you are in this position OP.

It's not enough for your DH to say vaguely supportive things at this point I'm afraid. He needs to take decisive action, however uncomfortable that makes him.

At a minimum

Call DS and make it clear that he is not allowed in the house for the next two weeks.

Offer him a stark choice of:
Intervention (therapy)
No sexual partners in the house
No drugs
Participate in a clean up rota
Treat you with respect and gratitude

Or
Fuck off and find somewhere else to live.

I get that the DSS has come from a place of trauma, I really do. BUt the only thing that will break that cycle is teaching him hard and fast how he needs to live in order to sustain healthy relationships.

In your shoes, I would have a chat with your DH later and lay out what you need in order for this arrangement to continue. Be clear that he needs to be in full support / agreement - he can't start saying to his DS things like "This is what midwife needs" - it has to be FROM HIM, and finally be unmovable that DSS cannot be in the house whist your DH is away.

Her DH needs to return now. If this isn't a family emergency, I don't know what is. I don't care how important his job is, even the PM would return home for something like this!

TBH the fact that the man thought it reasonable to go to the other side of the world or a month while his son was in crisis is probably a large part of the problem.

I don’t think his mum would take him back.

So pleased that she has the option of not providing a home for biological son, hope the OP's husband is not still paying her any support money, in fact she should be paying support of her son.

THIS OP needs to do THIS!⏫️⏫️

I have been thinking about this and I wonder whether this is coming from some sort of Andrew Hate type radicalisation.

It was the fact that it was a slap that got me thinking. It wasnt a punch in the face done out of anger and violence but a slap which by its nature is designed to hurt but also to humiliate and belittle. It strikes me as a way to show power over someone rather than to do as much physical damage as possible, as a punch would do.

Also the fact that he concedes to the Alpha male, his father, but considers himself above the OP in the hierarchy as she is a woman.

I have read online that some of these bastards advocate giving women the "odd slap" to keep them in line and how a slap isnt actually violence as it does no damage. Its terrifying what they will justify.

Hardly fair. The SS hasnt been with them long, the trip will have been planned way before that, a month long trip to Aus doesnt get decided a week before. If he is contractually obliged to go what choice does he have? The OP said he tried to get out of it.

Sorry I can't see where she said that. I can see he didn't take his keys and he's at his sister's now, or at least his phone is. I must have missed a post can you point out the post please.

If anyone is deranged here its you. Reported

Why do people keep bringing up biological and adoption. Ok I don't know if it's his biological mother but it is his mother

I've also reported it. Let's hope it's taken down.

He's still the father of a boy who's clearly been struggling for a long time. He still had responsibilities as a parent, even if they weren't living together.

Would you have gone, if your child was struggling like that? There'd have been a way to get out of it. His GP would have signed him off with stress due to family trauma if employer really wouldn't bend...but I bet they would if he'd tried properly.

POLICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!