Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

And if your husband doesn't consider that his responsibility then I would sever my relationship with him and his family. The "fresh start" is clearly not working.
You don't have to allow this young man in your house.

What I am seeing in your husband is a weak man who takes on responsibilities that he can't handle and leaves the women in his life to suffer the consequences. I wouldn't respect him enough to want to stay with him.

This strikes a chord with me.

The 15 yr old who assaulted me at my place of work gave a sob story to the intervention group (SACRO) who wanted me to meet with him. He wanted to 'apologise', but it wasn't his fault - I'd 'got in his way' and it had been an 'accident'.

It had been quite deliberate and I refused the meeting.

Years later, as an adult, he was boasting to teenagers about the time he'd punched me in the stomach. Strangely, he made no mention of the 15 yr old boy he'd originally assaulted or the two men whom he'd also hit when they came to help me.

I also realised years later that he'd labelled me as a homophobe in order to excuse his behaviour. I didn't even know him until he assaulted me.

DH would absolutely back me if I told him...

I think you'd have called the police if you really believed that. You seem to tiptoe around your husband as if he's too precious to disturb in the night and appear to be minimising the son's violence because you know your husband would want you to.

OP for me I would draw the line under him living in the same house as you. He has a mother he can go to, irrespective of her lifestyle. He is 17, very nearly an adult and he has chosen to raise his hand to a woman that has steppes in to parent him in the absence of his own parents. I would not tolerate this from my own son . You have been left in a really difficult situation. Keep him out of your home and your DH can resolve it when his gets back. You deserve to feel safe in your own home

Ring the police and have the horrible bastard arrested for assault.

I'd also draw the line at him living with OP, but I don't think he can be "sent" back to his mother. His father needs to step up. TBH it sounds like it might be too little too late, but if this a half way decent man, OP is going to have to accept it's time he put his son first and that she won't be living with him either.

I started typing this morning and it didn’t stick. I think you should consider getting a ring doorbell and video cameras inside your home giving you and DH remote access at all times. I don’t trust that there won’t be retaliation.

I agree completely the 15yo should have been accountable for his actions, and your employer should have done bettter by you, but his parents still needed to stand by him.

So in this case OP absolutely needs to be protected and he needs to face the consequences (including police action). But he still needs to be his father's priority. I mean what parent, knowing his son is on a knife edge, goes to Australia for a month?

I've got no advice but you sound like a really lovely human.

He’s 17 and by the way you come across not wanting to upset anyone I really doubt you provoked him not that that would make it okay but I think you need to take a step back and realise this is too far. You need to report it.
people struggle in life, you can’t go around slapping people.

If you don’t OP he won’t magically respect you it won’t make things okay you’re just sending a msg to him and your partner that you are a doormat that can be walked over and what happens when someone else upsets him? He will do the same or worse. His Dad clearly can’t do much. But they both need a reality check and reporting it will do that.

He can’t come back to your home and I think you know reporting it sets that in stone and yes will cause some fall out but he assaulted you OP you can’t minimise that.

please report it. I grew up in care left and lived on my own at 16 I also came out as Bi then I didn’t go around slapping people and from my experience in life peoples circumstances can’t be used as a reason to do horrific things like this to people. He knows right from wrong OP

In the long run, your not doing him any favours by not reporting it to the police. You seriously think there's no likelihood of similar problems up ahead? The earlier to start the process of getting him to realise he needs to turn his life around, fix his behaviour and attitudes, the better. What are you going to think the next time he hits you and breaks your nose or pushes you over and you break an ankle, a wrist, a rib. You absolutely have to show him he can not step out of line like that again: don't be weak - he will only abuse and exploit that weakness. The father wasn't there to deal with it - that's tough shit on him - maybe he should have had the foresight to see that his adoptive sons behaviour would push the boundaries while he was away - none of this is completely out of the blue is it given the information you've already given. To date, he's clearly not listened to a thing you've said about his behaviour in the house so why keep letting him get away with it?

He’s not a kid - my 8 yo knows you do not ever hit anyone.

He hates you, he has no respect or care for you, he’s treating your home like a knocking shop where he brings people (strangers) for casual sex which is a massive threat to you in itself, he leave shit all over the toilet which is a massive sign of his lack of respect for you.

He’s broke the threshold of behaviour and got away with it - complicit acceptance from you OP via your lack of action.

He slapped you around the face in your own home and it will only escalate from here because now he’s felt the power he has to hurt and shock you.

How will you ever sleep at night with him in the house. That would be the end for me I’m afraid.

He would never be sleeping under the same roof as me again. Not ever. 💐

Call the police and report an assault. Then put his things out and change the locks.

That's absolutely the fault of the father.

I agree that the 17 yr old needs some form of intervention. However, the OP's priority must now be herself.

Exactly this

Are there any other children in the house @midwifemayhem ?

Neurodiversity is not an excuse for domestic abuse. And this IS domestic abuse. I say this as a parent of two young adults with autism.

Call the police, it’s time his actions had consequences

Knowing his attitude towards you @midwifemayhem and how he responds to his father, what has your husband done about his behaviour and did he put any potential consequences in place knowing how long he'd be away?

He's left you on your own with his volatile son for a month. There's no excuse for that

Yes, absolutely it must, I'm just pointing out she needs to expect that DH's priority needs to be his son and be ready for waht that means for her marriage.

I can't abide all these "wonderful" husbands who are dreadful fathers (or vice ersa).

Id kick him out and change the locks , he can live with his mother.

Absolutely no way he’d be back in my home, especially with DH away.

Id call the police and tell them he needs to be removed back to his mums. If she doesn’t want him that’s not your problem.

Tell the police he absolutely cannot come back into your home.

And his father has no responsibility whatsoever?

@SunShow not much her husband can currently do being half way across the world!

He's not here. As you say, the father has responsibility for his son. The OP's only responsibility at the moment is to keep herself safe.