Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

Of course we're not intelligent enough to get it.

We're just women, categorized as:

1. Mother figures
2. Fuckable
3. Unfuckable

In my lifetime I've been placed in all three....

Because I understand that jokes are made between like-minded people and that there is a long history of appalling misogynistic and disrespectful jokes between appalling misogynistic and disrespectful men.

They have typed this exchange with a grin on their faces. They are like sniggering schoolboys looking at schoolgirls knickers. They are treating the young woman like a seaside postcard. They are laughing at how naughty this conversation is. It's all a joke!

How are you feeling now OP?
Any resolution?

Thinking of you.....

This is exactly it.

I am so sorry for these crazy responses. You absolutely have done nothing wrong, we are human, if we suspect something is off we want to know. I would have done the same checking his messages.
People acting like you’re checking someone randoms medical records!!
he’s your husband, and he was so out of order.
I don’t think that was just banter, that was too far. I wouldn’t be able to leave it personally but that’s just me. However I want you to know I am a very normal person and you did nothing wrong, mumsnet isn’t the best place to ask advice, there are a lot of strange people on here

Well op's h can have a good snigger if she decideds to divorce him and take half their wealth and pension.
He can snigger whlst she refuses to cook, clean and have sex with him.

And he can snigger if she decides to make love to someone else who has slightly more brain cells than her h.

The possibilities are endless with this joke.

It's called consequenses.

But how would you know?
These two creeps did it quite secretly..

Oh my god yes this. Please believe us normal folk that you haven't done anything wrong. And thank god you looked otherwise you may never have known

@EscapeToSuffolkThats not what gaslighting means. It’s not just some fancy alternative term for lying! It’s when someone tries to convince you that something didn’t happen when you both know that it did happen. Look it up if you don’t believe me!

If he had a PIN the OP wouldn't have been able to get into it, so there's no basis to suggest he had secured his phone from her.

My ex started using a PIN. You can guess the reason why. I didn't find out by snooping, but if I had been able to snoop I might not have gotten HPV and be under the gun for cancer for the rest of my life. So hell yes I defend snooping if there actually is suspicious behaviour and your partner won't even talk to you about it. What else can you do?

I would defend a man snooping (given he wasn't an abuser) because I do not believe married people should ever have secret lives. When your partner starts keeping any part of his/her life a secret from you, that marks the effective end of your relationship.

I am sorry I can see there is no point in arguing with you.
Why you persistently in defending this behaviour by trying to minimise it as a " joke" is beyond me.
No wonder men like OP's H get away with behaving just how they like when some people are happy to excuse it as a joke.

I hope the very fact OP has seen this conversation has opened her eyes to how her H views his female colleagues as a pool of potential.sexual conquests.
I hope she sees his roving eye and emotional unavailability are not acceptable in whatuis supposed to be a loving, life partnership.
And I hope she takes steps to build a better life for herself than she has and will have with this disguting man.

OP may well have seen him entering his PIN and memorised it. Come on now, they live together, this isn’t hard to fathom.

None of what you have said changes the fact that snooping on someone’s phone is illegal, as confirmed by @eastegg above.

Snooping without consent is illegal. Snooping when it's a mutual agreement to share phones is not illegal.

OP obviously didn't have consent but I doubt women who suspect their DH is having an affair would be charged with finding evidence on his phone.

Splitting because your husband has been joking about sexually approaching a younger colleague isn't drastic, it's the only response surely

Indeed. However, someone asked if it was actually illegal, I replied that it was, and virtually no one wants to accept that simple fact.

I didn't realise it was illegal! Do the same legalities apply to reading someone's diary?
(I have just googled but didnt really get a yes or no)

There’s no law that specifically prohibits reading someone’s diary. Phones are different, because they’re small computers, and therefore covered by the law governing unauthorised computer access.

Hardly the only response , surely!?

I mean maybe have a frank & clear conversation on the matter, pointing out that this behaviour is not on, might be a start!?

No, go full nuclear, cos splitting up with your husband over a text exchange is a breeze , divorce is a walk in the park and there'll be another hubby she can pick up down the local supermarket next week to replace the old one!!

Get real!!!

It's worrying that you are still spreading these lies, even though a lawyer has corrected you. Phones are NOT 'small computers', they are therefore NOT covered by any law governing computer access.

It's worrying how close-minded you are about this.

@ALPS100 It is not illegal at all, that poster has been corrected by an actual lawyer with decades of experience on this very thread, and are still persisting with their crackpot lie. Don't listen to them. I don't know what their game is, if they're trolling or tying to scare people or simply are not well. But it certainly is not illegal.

See above.

It's worrying that you post irrelevant nonsense that clearly DOES NOT relate to phones. You're one track minded, trolling or unwell. I don't know which.

A LAWYER has said you are WRONG.

Case closed.

See above.