Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

Can you point to the hypocritical posts please? I've not seen any that say older women lusting after younger men is ok.

I also don't recall anyone saying that it's OK to look through a male's phone but would be an invasion of privacy the other way around.

Are you assuming that each post represents the thoughts of everyone else and that there can't possibly be different people with different opinions posting?

Let's be realistic. If a woman posted that her male partner had, without permission, read her messages to ensure that she wasn't cheating, even once, I don't think his behaviour would receive much approval.

I don't think you understand jokes.

A thing can be a joke and appalling behaviour. It can be appalling behaviour because it's a joke. Pointing out that it's a joke to his mate isn't being an apologist.

Do the same to him and leave your phone unlocked !

Women getting abused and murdered by ex partners that they’ve reported it repeatedly but yes, lets find time to prosecute someone for going through their partners phone for which she must have had the passcode so I don’t even think it’s illegal tbh. If your other half had your PIN code for a bank card and took money out of your account the bank wouldn’t give you it back so the police certainly wouldn’t be interested unless you could prove you were coerced. Same principle.

Sorry but if you think a married man, with young children, telling his pal that he'd like to fuck his 22 year old junior colleague is a joke you will need to explain exactly what the joke is.

I can't see anything remotely funny about it. And his wife didn't. And I doubt whether the young woman can see what the joke is either.

People who say unfunny and appalling things and say " it's a joke" reveal their true self.

Why are you picking on @TravelPanic ?

I certainly agree with her post, as do quite a few other posters on the thread.

If you care to read the thread, I already have.

Every single man without exception? Even your dad, your DH or your adult son? Every single man objectifies women and speaks/texts about them in a sleazy, derogatory way?

I have worked with a lot of men who would never do that.

Well i just read the post you made defending OP's H and your theory that it is a joke of " conspiracy and bonding ".

I cant believe you went to such lengths to defend the indefensible.

It just really doesn't explain how a married man with young children telling his pal he wants to fuck his young woman colleague is funny. Because it isnt. And his friend didn't appear to find it funny. He just assumed when OP 's H had had a few drinks he would be trying it on with this young woman.

Because it was the first one I saw.

Well considering many of the males on here consider his texts a joke, I think stricter measures need to be in place in the workplace.

This male is married, did op say he was 30, so it's probably safe to say he still thinks he's in with a chance age wise. But it's predatory, I can imagine that girl could possibly feel uncomfortable with men like op's husband, leering, making comments and generally feeling intimidated by his years of experience and age.

These jokes and banter, are they applied to different degrees depending on how easily the younger women are to manipulate and convince that they have only been the subject of a joke if the shit hits the fan, this won't have been the first time he has engaged in rating women, it's his sport.

If all men do this then are men really safe to work with younger women, should there be measures in place to stop them from being harrased and their data/pictures being branded arround. Should men's phones be monitored at work just as they are in the homes by wives because I'm sure many younger women don't appreciate older married guys ogling and hitting on them.

But that's the problem isn't it, men think all women want this male gaze attention, not for a second do they think women think they are creeps.

This behaviour isn't funny, it's not entertaining for anyone else except the op's male ego, he means this, he spent time searching her photo, he has talked about her before, he has mentionitis, he has gaged the problems if he were to go there, it is on his mind, he has thought about this and still he hasn't got the sense to be aware his wife could have come across these texts. It makes him look like an appalling letch.

Let alone him being a vile husband he sounds a poor employee. I hope his job is not state funded, I'd hate my taxes going to pay for this pathetic hunter.
He needs to grow up quick.

I regret asking the question and dropping you in it, but I appreciate that you replied.

You don’t need to see anything funny about it though. Not a single person cares if YOU found it funny, It wasn’t meant for you, nor was it meant for his wife to read. I’m not defending it either, but if he and his mate found it funny, in whatever way they did then that’s alright because it was a private exchange between two people.

Not all men talk like that, some do though. Guess what, some women do too.

As for your last paragraph about people who talk like that “revealing themselves”, I think you’re way off there and are looking at it entirely from your own perspective. I’m sure you do and say things that others think make you look like a certain type of person. I do and I’ve only read a couple of your posts, one of them was jumping on me for calling out someone who automatically, after a single op accused their husband of cheating or being prepared to cheat. Just because he said something he and his mate found funny. Completely illogical.

100% true here!

Because it's becoming socially unnaceptable to behave in this manner, at work, at home, through messaging, these men will become obsolete, these places are the last bastion for hanging onto male dominance and disrespect over women.

They will defend their sport of harrasing women to their death.

I wasn't defending it. I didn't say it was funny. I said it was a joke. These are not the same thing

Is it a creepy and loathsome joke? Yes.

Is it an indefensible joke? Yes.

Is it a demeaning joke? Yes.

Is it a joke designed to be shared privately between two sexist idiots that looks pathetic and shameful when it's been found by one of the idiots wives? Yes.

So why am I saying it's a joke?

Well, a big clue is that there is literally a laughing emoji at the end of the messages.

I agree with everything you say... except your conclusion that this all right.

It's not all right for men to reduce women to sex objects to leer at.

No worries :-)

I'm failing to see how you talk with such certainty that this was a joke.

Unless you are Op 's H or his pal then how do you know it was supposed to be a joke?

It's a man sending a picture of a young woman colleague to his pal, obviously as a followup to an earlier discussion about this woman, and discussing how much he'd like to fuck her but that he won't try it on because hes worried about the repercussions at work.

It doesnt read like a joke. Its not funny - as jokes are supposed to be. So on what great authority do you say it's a joke? Because there is absolutely nothing to say it is a joke.

And, as already discussed, if by some amazing chance you were right that it was intended as a joke, it is just as much a betrayal and just as much total disrespct for his marriage vows, as it being said in all seriousness. So why are you and others so hung up on proving it was a joke?

As much as you believe people are entitled to freedom of speech and privacy, the world is changing.

Organisations do not want this, men who cause problems, you find it fun, companies find it a ball ache and just see poor behaviour that intrudes into other poor behaviours.

The 1970's are gone, just as our period in time now will look upon predatory men as archaic, unfortunately op's husband has been exposed and judgement has been made, that's tough, he want's it to be seen as a joke and so do you, but we don't.

We want to win, women are fed up with this kind of behaviour from male partners, don't like it, tough, a smaller pool of women will become available, as times change and they are changing.
You are being watched and your privacy invaded every day of your lives, in fact your feeder threads probably thow up young Yuogoslavian women I bet, your texts, your facebook, your tik tocs and instagrams all paint a picture of who you are. Big brother is truly here and it doesn't like creeps.

Honestly this monitoring of men's behaviour can only be better for women, calling it out, denying the joke.

Good luck and try to teach your son's better ways because dinosaurs do not survive.

It's a pity men do not live two lives because they honestly need that time in comparison to women just learning how to behave.

It's not only not funny, it's downright nasty!

I wonder what the young lady in question would say if she knew she was a secret victim of predatory "colleagues"?

This is someone's daughter or girlfriend.
Fuck sake, can't even go to work in peace!

Oh my goodness the dreaded laughing emoji!

Well when the laughing emoji was available in the reaction.button I, and many other posters, had people reactiong to our serious and not funny posts, with the laughing emoji. Which is why the laughing emoji was removed.

So just having a laughing emoji in no way makes this disgusting discussion between thses 2 men a joke.

And I still fail to comprehend how any woman or decent man could actually even suggest this misogynistic and disrespectful conversation was a joke.

I believe men think we are the joke.

Women are to be reduced to a fuck, it's funny.

HA HA HA

There, does that please the men.
We obviously arn't intellegent enough to get it.