Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

There’s a difference with talking to a colleague and saying you think a co-worker is attractive.And then there’s this which is crossing the line with the context of the messages.No mention that he’s married and couldn’t do it,just that he’s her senior now!.It’s sleazy and I would be seriously questioning a lot of things.You either keep quiet and keep snooping until you find anything else or confront him which he will probably turn it around on you.I feel bad for you and hope you’re ok and do what’s best for you

I think the possitive that you state is the excuse if he gets the knockback from this young woman.

He's a scumbag, using his workplace as a means to find extra marital sex, ahunting ground.

He is also not caring about his wife.

And for those of you who think male banter is acceptable, how many males on here would like to see the same conversation between their wife and a friend.

"Yeah Ben's really hot, you know the guy I've been going on about" 👅

"Send us a pic of him, are you gonna let him shag you if he tries it on"
"I don't think so, I would have done a few year ago but not so much now, but he might not ask" 😳

If a woman had that conversation with her friend , her friend would know she would definitely go there.

This conversation between op's h and his mate shows he would definitely up for sex with this young woman, I have no doubt about that.

No husband would like to see their wives salivating over another man's body, gagging for sex, I don't believe anyone on here would think it was just female banter.

And that's the point here, the fact that people think men are entitled to have this banter and women are not. Pick your men wisely, because many are not worth having, a jumped up office boy thinking he's god's gift, when he's just a dirty creep.
And that goes to all these stupid guys on here who minimise their predatory behaviour and think all women should accept their disgusting standards and believe all women love to be rated, debated, and hunted down by ugly pigs.

Has anyone actually said men should be having this level of sexist banter? I don't think so.

Some of us are just saying that could be what it is. Bravado. Blokey pub chat.

That doesn't mean it's OK. But it may mean that the OP's husband has no intention of trying it on with this or any woman, and is indulging in a cheap, fantasy conversation.

I think men often talk to each other in jokes and innuendos.

ofcourse I don’t agree with going through the phone but I’d be fuming reading this tbh!

Are you nuts?

Yep!

Do you know that for a fact they are covered or is it just an assumption? Do you know for a fact that this refers to domestic snooping between spouses as well as hacking (and stealing personal data for criminal use) or is that just an assumption?
Have you ever heard of a person being prosecuted for going through a spouse's phone?
Both phones and computers could be considered joint marital assets, in which case this act probably would not apply. It's not unlike saying it's a crime to go through your partner's closet and borrowing a tee shirt. By this kind of reasoning that would be considered theft.

This is tough, possibly just male banter possibly not. A 22 yr old is unlikely to want anything to do with him anyway he's just fantasising. Keep your eyes wide open though and make sure you have your own life!!

This isn't a joke or innuendo.

Its not banter.

He is saying quite explicitly that he finds this woman fuckable and would do so given the opportunity if she wasnt his junior. He is talking about what he wants to do to this young woman.
How does that make it in any way, shape or form anything other than a betrayal of his wife and marriage vows.?
You are minimising this betrayal and excusing inexcusable behaviour.

Yes, and he probably did.

You did the right thing. It’s human nature to look where you can when you know something is wrong. In the past it would be letters, eavesdropping on phone conversations “accidentally” - it has gone on forever and the other party will always use outrage at “snooping” as a distraction. If you’re not a habitually jealous person he needs to reassure you and address your fears.

'bloke banter' is just utter bullshit excuses.

Anyone saying it I don't believe for a second wouldn't care if they found this on their husbands phone.

It's disrespectful and utterly gross for two men to be discussing a 22 year old girl like that

I know you said you woukdnt leave but I would. Trust would utterly be gone

And people telling you you're wrong for looking through his phone ... Its usually the first advice given when a woman here says her husband seems off and distant.

It's horrible and I couldn't get over reading that

There are so many men that don't, maybe in your life they do. Many men wouldn't talk this way let alone put pen to paper and risk their wives reading it.

You obviously don't get it do you, we want this type of man to die out, for society to evolve, not devolve. None of the males in my family would have ever spoken like this, nor would they have been pub dwellers, abroad whores or mascline idiots, who felt the need to act like horny sheep with their friends.

There really are many guys who would think op's partner is a complete fool, honestly they look down on fools like him.

Just unintellegent, boring and a lack of imagination thinking that chatting shit about sexual innuendo and their prowess is entertaining conversation.

Dull boys who think they are interesting.
If he thinks it's cool, show his kids the texts, I'm sure they'd be proud, nah they'd think he was a pervert and would lose respect, even reading about thisI can tell what kind of guy he is. and also the one's that support his edgy banter.

Totally agree! He’s most likely not a nice person.
it’s not your fault.
And kudos for looking at his phone and cementing what you already suspected

Ooooh he has started on ‘The Script’ early the

The whole exchange is extremely off putting. It would give me the massive ick.

ON his phone you meant.

Why did you check for?
Well that's pretty damning evidence about his position. How do you know she hasn't been near him. That's pretty naive.
If you have a healthy marriage rhen be open with him. If he changes passwords that is concerning. His reaponse will say a lot to be honest.

This is great advice OP. I’ve read all your updates and a fair bit of the thread.
The thing that strikes me is that you were both so young when you met and married - under 20 - so you may not feel confident enough to consider life without him. However, this also makes you well able to start again and find someone who appreciates you.

If you do want to still try maybe go the opposite way, make time for sport/gym, have a glam new haircut, new make-up, a regular few drinks with your friends whilst he looks after the children. Don’t keep asking how he is, how he feels but let him know YOUR expectations and how you need things to be between you both ongoing. During this time ensure you are only doing half of the chores. I would put a time limit on seeing if things truly improve and during this time start looking into your finances etc.

I completely agree with this - surely in an honest and trusting relationship you don’t need to go snooping but there should be no problem seeking reassurance if that’s what you need - simply because everything should be above board… finances, relationships, health information etc that’s what a marriage is.

@PulpKitchen, how are things going now? Have you had another conversation?

Your H was just as contemptuous to you in that uncaring, minimizing, deflecting and belittling response as he was during his lecherous chat.

His penis-centric lusting was no joke, as he actually acknowledged that he couldn’t shag his young employee now but would have chanced his arm a few years ago. ‘This is her’ = he’d clearly been prepping his friend and licking his chops over the upcoming work trip. He is an utter pig in both his personal and professional lives. Others will be aware.

This would be a dealbreaker for me, @PulpKitchen, as my trust and respect for him would have rapidly spiraled and crashed.

OP, you've spied on your husband and it's made you miserable. What did you expect it to do?

She expected to find nothing and feel reassured. What utter scum you are trying to gaslight her too.

Genuine question which I’d really like one of the ‘banter’ posters to answer please.

How is it a joke?. I’ve got a good sense of humour. If anything I tend to be more up for slightly ‘off colour’ remarks than many, I’m that sort of person.

So please explain. Wherein lies the humour?

‘Here’s the woman we’ve been talking about. I’d like to shag her, and would have done before, but now I’m more senior at work I can’t’.

Not seeing it. Someone, please spell it out for me.

As I mentioned to another poster:

In DPP v McKeown, DPP v Jones ([1997] 2 Cr. App. R. 155, HL, at page 163), a computer was defined as “a device for storing, processing and retrieving information.”

Clearly this applies to a smartphone (or indeed any mobile phone), tablet etc. The legislation makes no mention of snooping within a marriage. However, if someone own a smartphone, and has enabled security protection such as a PIN or biometrics, I think it’s reasonable to assume that no one, including a spouse, is authorised to access the data it contains, unless they have been explicitly told otherwise. I suspect very few people would be rushing to defend a man snooping on his female partner’s device.

I prosecuted a man once for, amongst other things, checking on his wife’s phone. Under the section you point to. I didn’t see the case through to its conclusion but in my professional opinion he was correctly charged. It was part of a wider picture of coercive control.