Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

That’s interesting. Yet almost everyone else here is telling me I’m talking nonsense.

It was part of a wider picture of coercive control.

That's the bit some people insist on ignoring. Context matters.

This would suggest that a prosecution was appropriate. It doesn’t mean that the law doesn’t apply to occasional snooping.

So you think its normal and acceptable for married men

No, I don't - absolutely not.

My point is, every man does it. I don’t really know what else to say. They might not come out and say they want to sleep with someone, but they’ll definitely talk about how attractive she is. Or they’ll just think it to themselves, even if they never say it out loud

I mentioned that because some posters are wondering how it could be appropriate to prosecute where it’s just between spouses.

But, as I also pointed out in my post, the charge was brought under the section of the act MemorableTrenchcoat refers to. There are no extra requirements to be satisfied where the perp is the spouse of the complainant. The charge is legally made out even if it’s a one off between spouses. Which is what that poster has said, and been told she’s wrong.

Saying the thing and doing the thing are very different. There is a long way between "finds her fuckable" and "would pursue her" and "would actually fuck her."

You are assuming that he is telling the truth to his mate in an idle text chat. He's a bloke. It could absolutely be lads' bravado.

So, I'm not excusing it. Banter can absolutely be a betrayal. It's entirely disrespectful to be discussing how fuckable a young colleague it with a mate. It's sleazy and tedious and shitty.

If I am minimising it, I am just pointing out that you are making huge assumptions if you think that every time some sleazy bloke talks about the women he'd like to fuck to his mates, he actually means it's part of a grand scheme to do it. Remember than Facebook started out as a way for the nerds at Harvard (?) to rate the women of Harvard? I think a lot of men think of women this way. Like women are abstract Fantasy Football teams for them to rate and catalogue and discuss.

You do make a valid point.

Sending a picture to a friend is definitely odd behaviour. If I found someone attractive at work, I’d just keep it to myself, like “oh, they’re nice.” I wouldn’t be sending their photo to my friends.

I was hoping he just meant his bachelor days.

But thinking about it again, from what you’ve said, it seems like he wishes he were younger and not a manager so he could actually try something.

Well you are minimising it because the very fact he is saying it is an act of betrayal and disrespect to his wife.

I don't disagree with anything you say.

I am describing a behaviour not condoning it.

The men in my family and friends aren't like this eithet, but I know lots of men who are. These are the men who will definitely go to strip clubs on their stag do (the Mumset must-have!) whereas the men I know are more likely to go on a spa day or go and see a musical!

My point was supposed to be the same your's here, I think - they're not actually alpha males shagging their way through the office, like people are insinuating from the text, they're mostly pathetic bystanders engaging in schoolboy conversations. I am picking up on the people who say "watch out, OP, he's obviously looking to shag her" to say, no, he's probably just indulging in lame, tedious "banter".

I have literally just agreed with you that it is an act of betrayal and disrespect to his wife.

Please read what I have actually written, not what you angrily think I have written.

You were wrong to go through his phone, BUT maybe you were right to? It could have been harmless banter but I'd be furious. Maybe try couples counselling (a cliche, but could be helpful).

You said that there is a difference between him saying what he said but not actually meaning he would fuck her if he could and him saying he would fuck her and actually meaning he would do it.

You are implying saying it and not meaning it is somehow " better" than him actually meaning he would do it.

So to me you are minimising the act of saying it because actually the very act of saying it is an act of disrespect and betrayal . And as far as I'm concerned men who say these things would do them if they thought there was no consequences to them.

I'm not saying it's an "I say, I say, I say" type joke. There's no punchline.

It's a joke of familiarity and bonding - "you know what I'm like!". It's a joke of conspiracy - a nudge, nudge, wink, wink. It's a joke of transgression - "I am a married man who shouldn't be saying these things - but I'm going to!" It's saying the unsayable.

The joke can be that you know and I know that this is not a serious possibility but we are talking about it as if it is. It's Terry Scott or Charles Hawtry leering at a dolly bird in a Carry On film.

Just to be absolutely clear, because some people don't seem to be able to distinguish between these two things, I'm not saying that, because it's a joke or banter, it's harmless or nothing or fine. I am saying that, because it is a joke, the contents of the message itself should not necessarily be taken as the literal truth.

The reaction of the husband "it was just a joke/it wasn't serious" refers to just that: "I didn't literally mean that I would try and fuck this woman."

You are implying saying it and not meaning it is somehow " better" than him actually meaning he would do it.

Well, yes. I do think that a married man saying he would fuck a 22 year old because he plans to fuck a 22 year old is a greater act of betrayal than a married man saying he would fuck a 22 year old as stupid laddish bravado.

As far as I'm concerned men who say these things would do them if they thought there was no consequences to them.

Maybe. But there are major consequences to a married man fucking a woman who isn't his wife.

Ah, let's be honest here, what red blooded male wouldn't like to sleep with a hot 22 year old female colleague....
... I mean he was just being honest ...

Grabs coat & leaves :)

Yes so because there are major consequences many men who say they would fuck a 22 year old don't actually do it.

But they would if they thought they could get away with it.

So what is the redeeming factor that you see in men who say they would do it and don't- not because of any respect for their wives or partner - and those who say it and go ahead and do it?

There is no redeeming factor.

And you talk of a man saying he is going to cheat on hiswife as an " act of bravado"? For heavens sake what is brave about it? If the guy actually thinks saying he is going to cheat on his wife is a badge of honour then he truly is a twisted excuse for a human being.

Bravado isn't bravery, it is the pretence of being brave. It is a swagger to his mate. Of course it's no badge of honour. How many times do I have to repeat that I think it is shitty thing to do?

I don't know if you've ever been cheated on in a marriage, but I'm betting that if you had been, you would feel more betrayed if you'd found out your husband was fucking someone else than if you found out he'd sent a jokey text to his mate saying he wanted to.

Neither are good! Both are bad! But one is worse than the other!

You forgot your popcorn! 😁

Yeah, shame they can't stop it, isn't it?

Aww, poor men, I do feel for them...

Where does anything I've said say they can't stop it, or shouldn't stop it, or that I feel sorry for them?

Open her eyes to see the real him?

No need to be so defensive.
I was merely agreeing with you and trying to point out what a pathetic bunch they are.

Sorry if it came across wrong...

I’m of two minds about situations like this.

On the one hand, there’s a massive dose of hypocrisy:

”It’s OK to go through your male partner’s phone to check he’s not cheating”

vs

”It would be a massive invasion of privacy if my male partner went through my phone”

There’s also a sense that older men lusting after younger women is foul and depraved whereas older women lusting after younger men is OK.

On the other hand, both of the above could be OK when you factor in the unequal power ratio/dynamic in which it’s usually men who cheat and abuse and therefore it’s more justified when it’s this way round?

Agree with all of this. The apologists here are being pushed so far towards having to accept that this is appalling behaviour that we’re splitting hairs now. Seriously intending to cheat, or not seriously intending but happy to raise the possibility with his mate, send photo, say he would have done it if there were no professional issue, generally objectify her in a vile way, it makes little difference to me, I simply couldn’t get past it either way.

And the attempts to pass it off as a joke are hopeless, both from him and on here. Fgs of course I understand jokes aren’t all I say I say I say (🙄) but there’s no joke here.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

OP doesn't (as far as we know) routinely scour her partner's phone for excuses to be angry with him. His behaviour was making her feel insecure and, having failed to get useful feedback from him, she looked for clues to his changed attitude.

The first is controlling, abusive. The second isn't. Can you really not see the difference?

There’s also a sense that older men lusting after younger women is foul and depraved whereas older women lusting after younger men is OK.

You're making that word, "lusting", work hard here. It's fairly normal to find younger, fitter people sexually attractive to one degree or another. Both sexes do it.

You're very much less likely to find two women having an exchange like the one in the OP: "Yeah, I'd do him if I wasn't his manager!" If a married woman recounted saying this on MN, she'd be told she was out of line.

It's so ridiculous to be having to explain this, I've some doubt that these replies are made in good faith.