Late evening eating

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I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

Would you clean his constant dishes as you asked op to chill and relax?

My parents were similar but ds had just moved back after graduating and I have told him he doesn't always have to eat our food or at the time we normally eat. He is looking for permanent work (doing temp work atm) which may or may not be local. If he ends up staying we will definitely have to make some house rules but he is an adult and if he doesn't want to fit in with our timetable he shouldn't have to - barring causing disruption at anti social times.

YABVU to dictate what he should eat and when he can eat. He is an adult ffs. Yes all the eggs and extra meals is very normal for people going to the gym that often. Yes he needs extra calories if he’s working out that much.
However, he has to clean up. Also I’m sure 150 pound is not covering the cost of all those eggs, porridge and extra food. Maybe it’s time he buys his own food and does all his own cooking.
You both need to treat each other as adults. You accept he eats when he wants to, and he tidies up and keeps the noise down.

@reversegear

Op can be happy he has a hobby and not an eating disorder and not want to clean up after him every night and spend a chunk of her salary on eggs for him to guzzle.

I feel your pain OP, the 2am is a bit unreasonable! my DD is 18 and also seems to be semi nocturnal, I often come down to eating evidence 👀 she tries to tidy up, but like you say it’s not to our standards!
Why do they all like eggs so much?
Would have been drink bottles and kebab wrappers for me at that age, so I suppose that’s to be grateful for….
Im bloody fed up and exhausted at her coming and going late, I don’t sleep properly as she’s a new driver until she’s home, and then she starts playing Mary fucking Berry in the kitchen at al hours. Sympathies.

Honestly, he's just outgrown your home. He earns 30k plus commission, he has a very specific way of living that doesn't fit your family. He needs to move out.
I'd be saving the £150, put it into an account and gift it back as a deposit to rent a flat/buy furniture.
He's not really doing anything wrong (unless you're worried he has an eating disorder as this is very severe eating) as a housemate, but he's not a normal housemate he's your son and it's not a normal house share, it's a home you've had total control over for 20 plus years.
I think your husband is right, if he clears up properly and isn't waking anyone it should be fine, but it clearly annoys you and it's your home. He just needs to set himself up somewhere else.

Which she has to clean because he’s too lazy!

I remember my idea of cleaning up after myself at 21. It wouldn’t have included the hob or back splash for example. It wouldn’t have included sweeping up crumbs I’d dropped on the floor. I’d have considered that “show home” standards back then but now it’s just normal cleanliness.
I feel your pain OP.
You’ve been given lots of ideas regarding food that can be prepped on one day and eaten for the rest of the week.
I don’t think nagging him about cleaning up properly will work. You need a completely different approach.

I genuinely thought Mary Berry had released a music album for a second there 😂

I would instigate a rule that if the dishwasher is on, then stuff has to be washed up in the sink. He’s old enough to cook so he’s old enough to wash up.

If he’s into Andrew Tate I would worry that he has the mindset that women are there to serve him.

Who owns the house? If it had previously been the family house of DH and DSS, is he trying to make you feel unwelcome?

I’m struggling to understand how wars in other countries and other people struggling with cancer prevent a fully grown man from cleaning up his own mess. You seem to be suggesting that women should accept men treating them as 24/7 unpaid skivvies and be grateful.

A lot of women on here I feel are like this. Lots of internalised misogyny. This bizarre idea that women should be chained to the kitchen cleaning up egg snot whilst smiling beatifically, content in a happy glow that their son isn’t on drugs and isn’t unemployed.

Honestly this could be sorted with communication. Everyone sits down together and you discuss the problem. You are finding all the cooking and cleaning too much, so what’s the plan.
everyone takes a turn at cooking
Dh takes on the food shop/plan or maybe it’s something you do together.
Dss agrees set times for cooking or prepared food. No leaving the house unless your dishes are washed, if dishwasher is on then hand wash

She needs her DH on board.

They need to change the terms of DS’s continuing to stay at the property; better still he needs to move out.

Op, is this your house? Or does it belong to your partner?

She has communicated, neither DSS nor DH have listened.

Excellent points - I agree.

I notice you like your worktops 'polished'. I think this is unusual, but I understand that a lot of us have things we're fussy about, that we like just so. Having them rendered not just so by people we live with is frustrating. I hope you can resolve this problem.

He’s not … he’s making a few things to eat at a time she doesn’t agree with and messing up her “show home”.

No, it’s just not to her “standards”.

No, which he has not cleaned he has just left on the side for her to wash.

Dishwasher is on so dss leaves plates stacked on the side for me to look at for 2 ISH hours while the dishwasher is running. By the time dishwasher is finished he'll.have buggered off to the gym and so the kitchen grind starts again and me clearing up dss stack of plates.

He won’t help with meals as he has to get to the gym - he seems to think he’s living in a fully catered hotel where he is cooked for and cleaned up after.

How can OP be expected to save the £150 when she's spending more than that on his food and is expected to clean up after him ?

Not tidying up and not being mindful of the noise he's making at silly o'clock isn't ok on his part. But if he's paying for his eggs and is making them, cleaning up after himself then why does it matter what time he's eating..why don't you tell him to move out? Living a sa family has to be compromises on everyone's part. There's no excuse on his part for not tidying up after himself , I'm currently going through this with my 12 year old , would be miffed if it was with my 20 something year old too.

@Ireallywantadoughnut36

yeah, as if there’s gonna be any left to save - it’s all going on eggs!