Late evening eating

[Blankscreen]

I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

Keeping a house to a ‘show home’ standard of perfect is impossible to most people. Once you get into that territory it is becoming obsessive, as obsessive as DSS is about his diet.

It was OP who said she kept it show home standard, not me.

If OP had complained about him whinging about the dishwasher I’d agree he was being ridiculous.

I suspect he is wiping the benches. But his wiping down the benches and OP’s are probably different things.

The suggestions of making a few meals in advance to grab out of the fridge or heat in the microwave are good ones.

You certainly have a problem..it's you. How awful that your obsessive need for a clean kitchen overrides any creation of a loving welcoming home. You've threatened to leave, you should, you'll be doing them both a favour.

But you havent answered the question. Whether she keeps other bits of the house or other things in the kitchen to 'show home' (and Im not sure what that means) is not the point

He leaves crud. He doesnt wash his plate. He doesnt share the chores and do them without putting pressure on OP to nag him. He isnt wiping down the worktops to an ok standard because theres still mess on them.

So what bit of that is the impossible bar, which bit of that is 'cleaning to an ok standard'? If he doesnt do those things, who should do them?

This thread really made me want some eggs

Goodness we've some entitled posters on here tonight. Parents shouldn't be door mats.

It's not his house

He's gambled away £13k on unicorn investments last year and is still doing it.

He's only paying £1450. Per annum for board, and food.

He earns £30k, so needs to grow up and learn basic economics.

I was just thinking the other day that you never see a proper fried egg any more, with the proper crispy edges. They're all flacid these days.

@Blankscreen is spending £80 pcm on eggs.
15 loaves of sliced bread a month £22 pcm
then all the fruit, yoghurt, etc. she's subsidising his food before you take into account anything else

Constant proteins are very expensive to buy, I hope he’s at least paying for his own food. Why can’t he go into a share house with some friends since he works. Some times enough is enough. I think it’s unreasonable for him to pull a marathon cook after 8 at night. Tell him to get take out, and stay away from your just cleaned kitchen.

You took OP's joke rather literally: "Yep I do like the kitchen perfect and joke that it is 'show home' standards😂." She jokes that it is. Having a clean kitchen isn't obsessive and nor is it difficult if you clean up as you go and do a final clean after dinner. All OP wants is that when her DSS uses the kitchen after she's done the final clean he leaves it the way he found it - that shouldn't be difficult for any adult.

@Blankscreen The problem is he doesn't clean up after himself. I'd be really fucked off with this, having to clean up after his late night food.

It's not unreasonable to expect the stepson to clean up after himself, surely?

You need to chill out … why on earth does the kitchen need to be show home standards?!? Making your life and everyone else’s a misery because the kitchen needs look perfect, who’s going to see it anyway. There are people losing their life in wars and dying of cancer, meanwhile you are stressing out oven a bit of egg in the sink, try and get some perspective.

I understand why you are worried and also annoyed.

A lot of young people - men in particular - feel pressure to "bulk" in order to be attractive. Social media is worsening this situation. It is a "good thing" that he is trying to eat normal food and not relying on protein shakes etc. That said: if he is going to do that then he needs to be respectful of you and the fact that he is living in your house. He could easily make himself some hardboiled eggs/overnight oats etc etc in one go just once a day, clear up properly, and have his meals prepped for the day without causing a ruckus and interrupting your routine etc. So that's on him - but those are boundaries and expectations that need to be communicated clearly so he knows exactly what you expect from him. One person's idea of "clean and tidy" can be very different from someone else's. And ultimately it's likely going to be the case that you don't really like anyone else cooking anything else in your kitchen other than what you are making - and that's a clash of routines that often happens when grown up children live at home and have their own lives. He pays rent - so he is in part doing what he would do if he were renting a room at someone else's house - if you want there to be house rules for the use of the kitchen then he needs to be given those rules in a clear way: have them written down if you really need to do so - but be prepared for some push back as he won't have had that from you in the past to that degree.

The second issue is what you view as disordered eating: it may seem very weird, but it's actually not necessarily disordered. And he's not eating a load of junk food - so in a way it's actually much better than what a lot of parents are dealing with which is children who eat crap and don't move their bodies off the couch.

As with all things to do with young people: the more you neg him the more likely you are to push him away. Far better to take an interest in his bodybuilding and activities, learn about them with him, and help him, rather than being negative about it. That way you are far more likely to be able to have a positive influence on his behaviours and help him avoid the nastier sides of bodybuilding (juicing for example) which he may feel pressured to try if he feels unsupported or is finding consuming enough food at home to be difficult. Bodybuilding may seem very weird to people who don't do it, but it's what he's interested in, and taking an interest and being supportive about it is, in the long term, going to be be the more effective way to get through to him if he is overdoing things.

I think you are being ridiculous and even more so because you are his step parent, not his actual mum.

Kids shouldn't be punished for not doing things to the same standard as you, you obviously are extremely uptight and overbearing with the level of clean you need everything to be, which is fine for you, but not a healthy mindset if crumbs on the side affect you this much, maybe OCD? You can't expect everyone around you to live up to those unreasonable standards. You sound an insufferable nag.

I bet he leaves the egg snot just to piss you off!

OP is not in the least bit unreasonable to expect that the kitchen be left clean and ready for next use. Of course he’s thinking of giving up work if his housing costs almost nothing and he can offload the task of cleaning up his mess just by disappearing to the gym. So, not just accommodation but a level of personal housekeeping service that most people have to pay for. You absolutely do not have to stand for someone acting so entitled to your time, your work, and your peace of mind.

Insist he move out. If he’s doing so well financially that he can give up work, this shouldn’t be a problem. On no account tolerate this living arrangement if he does give up work. He will expect to continue to
be tidied up after and cleaned up after and organized around and accommodated in the kitchen. The disrespect can be seen from space. Your labour is invisible to him. Your right to ā restful environment at the end of the day is being pushed aside. It’s not okay. Protect your peace. YANBU.

Porridge used to be poured into a drawer and slices taken off daily.

Agreed

I get some strong 'control freak' vibes here. At least this guy is doing something not just sitting in his room glued to a screen.

Chill and give him some slack...

What the heck is it with working class males and muscle obsession?

I’d be happy he’s fit healthy, training, working active and happy, clearly social and doing his own bit in terms of cleaning.

Then I’d take stock of life and try and understand how lucky I was that he’s able to feed himself that isn’t disordered eating it’s perfectly normal and healthy in gym circles to eat whole foods, the porridge is amazing full of fibre and eggs also great.

He sounds great and just from your OP I think you need to be a bit more tolerant, the 2-15am one nope that would be a no. But the rest of the time he sounds great.

I think he needs to clean after himself but I think you're massively unreasonable to tell him when he can and can't eat. If you find you can't relax when he cooks that's your issue, you can't expect other people to tiptoe around you. Can he hard boil some eggs and keep them ready to go in the fridge?

Bingo. This isn't about your Ideal Home kitchen. You know this isn't about him being careless. As a woman you have had the temerity to tell him what to do, and he is telling you that, as a woman, you can't do that. He's the man - he shows that he does as he pleases by leaving that mess and winding you up in the process.

If you don't want to be subjugated by your own son, I think either his father sorts him out, strongly, or you tell him he needs to live elsewhere. That wouldn't be all bad. That at least would break him from the heart-unhealthy diet - he wouldn't be able to afford the eggs - and he might realise that having protein breath and a stinking attitude is not the way to secure a nice partner. With the best will in the world, I don't think it will be an already "disrespected" mother that sorts out these particular issues, hence your extraordinary level of frustration.

Healthy hobby which requires him to eat 12 eggs a day and mountains of other food so he can bulk up while he leaves dishes for op to sort and not offering to help?

He should be grateful about all the cleaning op does after him in the kitchen.