How bad is my situation - am i delusional?

[SharpOliveUser]

Hi all,

need some perspective and advice. I am 32, childless by choice but married. Me and dh own our own home.

I earn 44,000 a year (my dh similar) but i am in quite a bit of debt. My partner knows i am in debt but not the extent. To be honest i wasnt aware of the extent - ive just been feeling more and more squeezed by the minimums.

when i’ve sat down and totalled it up my personal debt (credit cards and personal loans) is just shy of 50k. I am in shock.

this has been accumulated over the last ten years of living above my means/travelling.

However, the thought of tackling it seems so daunting - life is so short and there are so many things i want to do/ places i want to travel.

i also have a horse and he costs me a significant amount - i have recently considered sending him away for training as i dont currently enjoy riding him but now i am thinking maybe i should sell? I would get about 10k for him in the current market and as i say i dont enjoy him. However being a horse owner and an equestrian is such a big part of my identity so i am dragging my feet. Realistically when will i be able to justify buying another horse and i will miss the horse world very much.

i guess i just need some perspective on how urgent/ bad my situation is and some advice on how to proceed without getting too depressed. 😔

my only savings total 500 pounds

Jesus

You need to face reality sell the horse get 10k use all of that to reduce the debt.
speak to citizens advice see if any can be written off or reduced in some way.

When you’ve sold horse or paid a chunk off tell your partner the extent of things they won’t want you to spiral further and holding onto something that colossal isn’t going to be great for your relationship you’re supposed to be a team.

Start saving more only 500 in savings isn’t great everything now needs to go towards payitn off your debts no more luxury holidays or living above your means.

Yes it will be hard. I had to do it when my partner left two years ago and cut all support whilst leaving me to raise two kids.
It took a year for me to actually realise that’s not my life anymore and to live within my means you need to do similar. Living with a husband without kids and owning your own home you could pay off 20k a year easily with you income. Plus 10k if you sell the horse and by summer next year be back to travelling.

Sell the horse. You aren’t enjoying riding him and everyone knows horses are expensive to keep. Use the money to pay off some debt, use what you save by not keeping a horse to pay off debts. Travelling will keep, and you can’t travel if you go bankrupt.

First of all I would head to moneysavingexpert- they have a ‘debt free wannabe’ chat forum and other valuable resources. Can you move any of your debt to a 0% credit card? Can you manage your repayments?

I appreciate you don’t want to sell your horse but £10,000 is lots of money and would be a good start in clearing your debt.

Are there any other outgoings you can get rid of or reduce? I was in a lot of debt when I was younger so know it’s a tough position to be in but best to tackle it now before you run up any more debt.

Your income doesn't support your lifestyle so you need to change one of them. Meanwhile, sell the horse and start bringing down your debt. You can't use the excuse of it making you depressed because we could all say that when we can't afford the things we'd like to have or do. You just have to be mature about it, face reality and take some responsibility for yourself.

Absolutely sell your horse given you are not enjoying it much anyway.

Can you find someone who would pay you to take care of their horse in return for rides? Extra cash and still a foot in the equestrian door.

I am surprised this level of unsecured debt isn’t freaking you out more really.

Let’s start with the basics. With £50k of debt you can’t afford to send a horse away for training. That’s a luxury for people with high disposable income.

Next - get in touch with Stepchange and get yourself some individual debt advice. That’ll at least get you started on things not getting worse. You can then have a conversation with your partner around ways forward with some solid ideas to put on the table.

On the horse front, there might be a multi angle solution. Could you get some groom work as a sideline. Still get the horse engagement, cut your own spending and bring a bit of top up in.

You need to face reality and tackle this head on. You can't continue living some luxury holiday TikTok fantasy that is way beyond your means.

The National Debtline can go through your debts and help you reduce them as well as discuss your options. You can do a free money management course online and perhaps reflect on what's driving your behaviour.

Sell the horse, stop travelling for the next few years, whee else can you buy - going out? Good shop? Etc.

Brutal honesty - it’s pretty bad and if you think that you don’t need to sell a horse you don’t enjoy riding (and certainly can’t afford) because owning a horse is part of your identity then, yes, you’re delusional. Also worrying that you’re still focusing on all the places you want to go - you can’t afford it right now, You can be part of the equestrian world by going to events, volunteering at stables/sanctuaries, or even getting an extra job there to increase your income and clear your debts. You can use the chance of (more affordable) travel in the future as an incentive to get your debts repaid as soon as possible.

You need a clear budget and realistic plan to repay your debts - moneysavingexpert.com is a very good place to start.

Your situation is bad.. but certainly salvageable. You need a plan that stops it getting worse so stopping interest accruing if you can by turning into repayment plans/ moving any CCS to 0% credit cards. And then making a sensible plan to pay it all down.

Debt advice might be helpful to get ahead of it - CAB or others. They can help you come up with a plan. (Warning they can be brutal about what they think you need for living expenses and therefore what is available to pay down debt). I guess you could ask chatGPT, Claude or other AIs and see how they'd put a plan together. It's basically a formulaic approach.

Do you and your partner share any bank accounts?

Once you have paid your regular bills (before paying any debt) then how much are you left with per month? Can you cut down on any of those bills? Post a list here if you want advice on that.

I would definitely sell your horse, particularly as you don't enjoy riding him. What are the additional costs, eg stabling and vets' fees, that you would save on top of that?

I know you want to go travelling etc but you have to get this debt down asap as you'll be paying a fortune in interest.

It does sound as though you have a problem with spending - I think you need to take a serious look at how to overcome that.

I read somewhere that buying a horse is a bankruptcy starter kit. To be honest, I'm surprised you think you can afford to keep a horse and travel on your salary.

Selling the horse reduces debt by 20%

Plus the amount you pay in horse costs can go into paying off debt, not accumulating more debt, and saving. Horses are an expensive hobby

Sell the horse and look for a part loan, you’ll keep your identity, have a lump sum towards your debt and save a good chunk of money each month by not owning!

Sell the horse now whilst he's still an asset. We all know that horses are hella expensive, and can suddenly develop illnesses overnight that cost a fortune and devalue them instantly.

You're in a very precarious situation, literally anything could turn up right now that could cause this whole pack of cards to fall around your ears. You like the idea of being the equestrian, but do you like the idea of being exposed as irresponsible and debt-ridden? People don't tend to like that.

That's a lot of debt racked up for jollies. Does it include a student loan?
You say you own your house, is that with a mortgage?
Just maintaining that loan must be costing you a fortune every month. You need to throw everything at reducing the loan to reduce your interest repayments. So yes, sell the horse. You'll get money for that and also it will reduce expenditure, freeing up income to use to pay down the debt.
Get an evening or weekend job to up your income. Let out a room in your house if you can.
And change your attitude towards spending - I'm gobsmacked to read that despite the massive loan, despite the fact that you don't even enjoy riding the horse, that you are considering keeping the horse just for the sake of your image.
If you don't reduce that loan, it will end up increasing ,given the nature of compound interest, and you will be paying ever larger interest payments out of your income just to stand still. Do it now. Your future self will thank you.

You're living and spending way above your means. Life is short, fuck me, that's a shit excuse for massive debt.

Sell the horse. You're just using him to prop an image of yourself that doesn't even fit.

You need to come clean with your husband. That amount of debt, he's going to get blindsided sooner or later and I don't know your laws where you are but is he going to be responsible for marital debt?

Adjust your expectations. You're going to be paying off debt for years and you're going to have to strip your life down to necessities, not wants.

You might consider therapy to drill into why you're spending so much and maintaining a certain image is so important.

We had ponies at home for 20-odd years when the kids were growing up. I did start a spreadsheet of every expense, including training, entry fees, membership fees, down to every hairnet, plaiting bands, every packet of polo mints. I was very diligent about entering the amounts, not so much about totalling the columns and referencing them against my disposable income (hah!), which was actually non-existent.

Before long I was a single parent of young adults, luckily mortgage-free but with £22k on credit cards, I suggested my full-time-working daughters might contribute towards their now retired weekend-hacking ponies, they thought it was pretty poor idea. The demise of all but one pony eventually eased the pressure and DD’s partner agreed it shouldn’t all fall to me to pay.

I treasure the memories, and I’m retired and debt free now, but it was utterly insane to be deliberately blind to the eye-watering, colossal expense of horse ownership.

How is it structured? What APR are you paying on it?

You must be spending the equivalent of several nice holidays a year just servicing the debt.

Your only real choice is do you go hard and fast and cut life to the minimum to get it paid or do you go for longer and slower.

Is your husband aware of this? And if not do you have a joint mortgage because you may find it very hard at renewal time.

Absolutely this and please stop referring to your husband as your partner, it confuses people. If you are married, which you say you are, you have a husband. You need to work with him to deal with your debt and get to a financial place where you can travel.
You don't need to own a horse to ride.

To me your income seems huge and so does 50k debt.!
So yes I would definitely sell the horse especially as you say you don't enjoy him at the moment and you obviously can't afford him.
Use the money towards your debt and set up a payment plan so you pay off more than the minimum each month. Move into an interest free credit card and keep moving so you pay as little interest as possible.
Don't spend anything else on the cards until your debt is reduced.
And tell your husband about your situation. That way it should be easier to live within your means which is definitely possible on your salaries

You are spending money you don't have, on a lifestyle that you can't actually afford. It's that simple. You need to write down/create a spreadsheet of your ESSENTIAL outgoings. Then you need to look at your credit card/bank statements and see what you're spending money on. Keeping a horse is very expensive, and the bottom line is - you can't afford to have one. Sell the horse, and use the proceeds to pay off some of your debt. I'm sure you must have saddles/reins etc, sell these too, every little helps towards paying off your debts. If you are buying regular extras like - coffee, lunches, weekends away, meals out, takeaways - STOP! You can't afford to do this. Once in awhile is fine, but not regularly. You also need to be honest with your husband, and yes he is likely to be angry. You need a plan on how to pay this money back, so seek help from your local CAB.

Sell the horse and get advice from Stepchange. You can have an identity as a horsy person who just at the moment doesn’t own a horse but may do in future. Clearing the debts matters more- do you want to establish an identity as a spendthrift?

Is that true? My ex husband became bankrupt but it didn't stop him trabelling

Going against the grain here (fellow crazy horse owner here 😂). Life is for living. Enjoy it while you can. Go to places you want to go and live the lifestyle you enjoy.