How bad is my situation - am i delusional?

[SharpOliveUser]

Hi all,

need some perspective and advice. I am 32, childless by choice but married. Me and dh own our own home.

I earn 44,000 a year (my dh similar) but i am in quite a bit of debt. My partner knows i am in debt but not the extent. To be honest i wasnt aware of the extent - ive just been feeling more and more squeezed by the minimums.

when i’ve sat down and totalled it up my personal debt (credit cards and personal loans) is just shy of 50k. I am in shock.

this has been accumulated over the last ten years of living above my means/travelling.

However, the thought of tackling it seems so daunting - life is so short and there are so many things i want to do/ places i want to travel.

i also have a horse and he costs me a significant amount - i have recently considered sending him away for training as i dont currently enjoy riding him but now i am thinking maybe i should sell? I would get about 10k for him in the current market and as i say i dont enjoy him. However being a horse owner and an equestrian is such a big part of my identity so i am dragging my feet. Realistically when will i be able to justify buying another horse and i will miss the horse world very much.

i guess i just need some perspective on how urgent/ bad my situation is and some advice on how to proceed without getting too depressed. 😔

my only savings total 500 pounds

Stop living above and beyond your means. Sell the horse. Tell your husband about the debt. Talk to StepChange. You are living a fake life of middle class equestrian superiority, whereas the family down the road on minimum wage with savings and no debt are better at managing life than you are!

It's time to face reality and make some tough decisions. Selling the horse might be the best option, not just for your sake but for the well-being of the horse you admit you no longer enjoy owning. Being nearly £50k in debt means you can't afford expensive status symbols that you believe define you. Take the time to sit down and list all your debts, prioritizing the most expensive ones. Start paying those off first, possibly using the money from selling the horse, to reduce interest payments. Then work your way through the rest, always focusing on the most expensive loans.

“Am i delusional?”

YES!

“However being a horse owner and an equestrian is such a big part of my identity”

This is very much a case of fur coat and nae knickers!

Time for the horse to go

Sell the horse and contact Stepchange for help in sorting out the debt. The first step is the hardest, you've done that by admitting to yourself how much debt you have. Get a plan sorted out and then speak to your husband.

“However, the thought of tackling it seems so daunting - life is so short and there are so many things i want to do/ places i want to travel.”

This comment is a bit frightening. Your mistake is thinking that you’re entitled to all of these luxuries. You’re not, you have to save for them. You didn’t save for things in your twenties, you borrowed money you didn’t have and now you need to pay it back. Once you’ve paid it back, you can save for the luxuries, but just now you’re being squeezed by minimum payments, meaning you’re hard up anyway and therefore likely incurring even more debt.

Sell your horse (and anything else you don’t need), stop paying livery etc. and make a big dent in the £50k. Get as much of it as possible transferred to interest free repayments and work hard at paying as much off as you possibly can. I liked someone’s suggestion of working some extra hours doing horsey things - that’s a good way to earn a bit more and still do your hobby.

It’s possible to travel and see places on a shoestring, you might just need to change your expectations for a few years whilst you clear off your debt.

OP we are in the exact same position with £25k on credit cards through living way beyond our means. I don't know which way to turn. My DH has buried his head in the sand and I am left to manage it all. We work FT, have 3 DC. A second job is out of the question. I want a year of doing nothing, strip out all the luxuries. DH won't do it. We could at least half the debt in a year if we just had 1 year out of it all. For 12 months it would mean: limited to 1 takeaway a month (we would appreciate it more then, we currently take it for granted), no holidays, no frivolous spending or waste. We have nothing of value to sell. It would be a very boring year but I would like to see it as a challenge to live as cheaply as possible and save as much as possible.

No answers OP, just solidarity

What have you been spending it on? I am
your age, so is my partner. We earn roughly the same. No horse.

We have just had a baby so very used to the costs without one.

Over the last decade we’ve saved up for a big wedding, bought a house, always owned one car between us. Covid aside we have travelled quite a lot, albeit no long haul, within and outside the UK. We’ve gone out quite a lot, both active socially. We have overpaid the mortgage by tens of thousands, saved tens of thousands, bumped our pensions up, had a dog and treated him like a prince.

We feel like we’ve been blessed to earn this much and to be able to lead this lifestyle. I am certain that having a child and needing to pay childcare will squeeze us a bit, probably cut down our rate of saving significantly, but I don’t envisage debt.

Can you be more specific about what you spend because there must be some really big expenditure?

You don't have any savings.
You owe other people a lot of money. Sell the horse and maybe some of those other people will get closer to the lifestyle they identify with.

Sell the horse as is not only bringing in £10k, you will also save yourself a lot of ongoing costs with food, vets, stabling and everything else.

Yes, you’re being totally delusional! You can’t afford an equestrian lifestyle and holidays with £50k of debt. Sell the horse and that will reduce your debts by 20%.

Check which ones have the highest interest. If they’re all similar, pick a number of small value ones to reduce your overall monthly repayments if you can.

Then sit down and work out what the bare minimum of life costs you. Try to put the rest of your salary as overpayment on your next smallest loan/CC until that’s cleared and so on. You can’t afford get your lifestyle back once you can afford it

Reality check required. Speak to your husband. Sell the horse, you will save on the livery, shoeing costs etc. Speak to citizens advice or a debt charity to see if they can write off some of the interest charges and then pay off your debts. You need to be a grown up and recognise what you can and can't afford.

you have no savings, £50k of debt and a HORSE?!

Yes this is a bad situation and yes you are being incredibly irresponsible.

This is crazy. You're on a reasonable salary for someone with no kids. You should be able to go on holidays and have a decent lifestyle without going into debt.
Sell the horse and plan your holidays to suit your budget. It's really not that difficult.

Sell the horse. Not only will you be able to clear a significant chunk of debt with the money but you'll save money monthly by not paying livery and other horsey expenses. If you loved him to bits it would be different, but he's obviously not the boy for you so just bite the bullet and do it. It will be a weight off your mind.

You have debt that is more than your annual income, you don't have the privilege to have a 'life is short let's spend' mindset. That's obviously what has gotten you in this position in the first place. You need to cut back drastically wherever you can and make a plan to repay this debt, starting with the highest interest first. I can't comprehend how you can even say you have £500 savings when that wouldn't be enough for a min monthly repayment on that size of debt. The horse definitely needs to go asap. Sit down with your husband and prioritise managing this debt properly.

It sounds an eye watering amount but could easily be brought down a lot by you curbing your lifestyle a little in the short term.
I don’t see the point of keeping a horse you don’t enjoy riding, it sounds like he would be better off elsewhere regardless of your debt. There is a home out there better suited to him I guess, and you are doing him a disservice by keeping him, animals and pets are kept for pleasure and you get no joy by having him.
You can still immerse yourself in the equine world, we don’t own a horse but one of my children rides regularly and it is also a big part of their identity.
Whilst you only live once, lavishly spending money on travelling etc when you simply cannot afford it is totally irresponsible.
If I want to do something I have to save, I don’t get immediate gratification by just chucking it on credit and going ahead.
Sell the horse, don’t frivolously fritter away that money but use it to clear some of your debt and then work on clearing the rest for the next couple of years.
Once you are ahead start to save for the things you want to do, burying your head in the sand is not going to help and you are essentially lying to your DH by omitting to tell him the extent of your financial problems.

Is any of this student debt? Or just debt you've run up by living extravagantly?

You can't afford your life, OP. Sell the horse while he is sound and healthy to a home that can afford him. Clear your debts and get help with your attitude toward debt or you will end up back in the same situation. Life IS short but that doesn't entitle you to anything. If you get back into horse ownership again, you are going to have to cut back on other areas and be able to live with that. I have a horse, I keep him at home on my mortgage free land. He is a cheap to keep native who has only cost me one non-routine vet bill in his life. He still sucks up all my disposable income but that is OK, because I love him more than holidays and new clothes. Unless you are very wealthy, which you are not, a horse is going to have a big impact financially on your life.

I do not include student loans in my debt totals. I would estimate my student loans debt is circa 75k but i’ll never pay it off so view it as a tax

Thankyou everyone for your responses, i am reading them all and starting to make a plan.

I am actually going to take a different stance to most posters here. I think if the debt is currently being managed I wouldn’t knee jerk and involve Stepchange or any other similar organisation. They do a lot of good but they put you into a debt management plan which will destroy your credit rating for the next six years. So that (to me) would be done out of desperation.

Re the horse, this is one of those things that may have to happen. I do know what you mean - I was a horsey teen and never went back to it after university but I understand how it becomes part of your identity. That being said the horse is alive, he is not a car or bike to be sold to the highest bidder (I’m not for a moment suggesting you would but some of the answers here have made me wince a bit.)

I would say the best thing to do is to really prioritise the debts; sounds obvious but putting aside money each month and really tackling each in turn.

Only you know how well your DH will take it so again I don’t think him knowing is essential to be honest.

I think it is doable and good luck with it. Some replies have been very judgey but it’s very easy for debt to sneak up on you; you aren’t the first or last.

Fellow horse owner here, but being practical, I’d sell him and take a break while you clear the debt. Then when you are debt free, buy a horse you will enjoy riding.

I have 3k debt at the moment and that’s freaking me out, but I know it’ll be cleared by the end of the year so I’m surprised how chill you are about 50k!

Thankyou x

Jesus.

Sell that horse...you dont even like riding him!

If you get 10k that 20% of the debt gone and you have more cash flow as you aren't feeding and housing a horse

You can def tackle it - and you'll be very happy when its dealth with.

Its similar to losing a big amount of weight you just have to accept it will take time

You Can get a new identity! So don’t throw good money after bad. Sell the horse. Not only will you clear 10am of your debt, but your monthly outgoings will reduce greatly as well. Use this extra money to pay off your debt.

Read this article. Use the budget planner to work out your income and expenditure. Be honest!

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

No doubt you’ll grieve the loss of your horsey world. However, the time you’ll have extra you can do new things gs. Start by exploring g the local area .

If you really want to stay in the horsey world, are there any riding schools, horse charities etc you can volunteer at?