How bad is my situation - am i delusional?

[SharpOliveUser]

Hi all,

need some perspective and advice. I am 32, childless by choice but married. Me and dh own our own home.

I earn 44,000 a year (my dh similar) but i am in quite a bit of debt. My partner knows i am in debt but not the extent. To be honest i wasnt aware of the extent - ive just been feeling more and more squeezed by the minimums.

when i’ve sat down and totalled it up my personal debt (credit cards and personal loans) is just shy of 50k. I am in shock.

this has been accumulated over the last ten years of living above my means/travelling.

However, the thought of tackling it seems so daunting - life is so short and there are so many things i want to do/ places i want to travel.

i also have a horse and he costs me a significant amount - i have recently considered sending him away for training as i dont currently enjoy riding him but now i am thinking maybe i should sell? I would get about 10k for him in the current market and as i say i dont enjoy him. However being a horse owner and an equestrian is such a big part of my identity so i am dragging my feet. Realistically when will i be able to justify buying another horse and i will miss the horse world very much.

i guess i just need some perspective on how urgent/ bad my situation is and some advice on how to proceed without getting too depressed. 😔

my only savings total 500 pounds

Do you really need to own a horse to be part of the equestrian world? Don't horsey people do loans/part loans or something?

(I'm not a horsey person at all, I may be talking bobbins).

It's hard to say how bad your situation is without knowing your basic outgoings, but I don't think it sounds so tragic. Yes sell your horse and get rid of 20% of your debt. Everything you would spend on livery etc goes on paying off your debt. That must be a hefty whack already. Stop going on holidays, that's an extra £3000 a year. Speak to Stepchange, get an IVA. They don't sound too bad, your credit rating is effected for 5/6 years and you can't take out anymore credit, but that's what you need really, as you can't afford more debt.

With your horse sell him now while the weathers good as it’s awful having people to look in the winter. Can you cut down on things like supplements,take the back shoes off etc.
Im not to sure on services, livery type etc but if so you will be able to. save some money by joining the 5am crew. I did my jobs in the morning and turned out my friends mare and she did the bring in.You will save a fortune on rugs if you get them all cleaned and repaired rather than buy new in the winter.Head over to h£h forum for loads of good ideas.

You’ve had some good financial advice.
You also need to think about the psychology behind the debt. I had a decent job at your age, not your level of debt but way above what was necessary. I then became seriously ill and it ruined me financially.
So much was tied up in my image and what I wanted to show the world. All felt bit pointless when I lost everything. My true friends stayed. The ones attached to this image didn’t want to know.
You need to stop thinking of the world as a playground you can indulge in - at least for a while. What you were spending to enjoy all this travel was not your money.
Yes of course we’d love to see the wonders of the world but it’s time to grow up.
I had to change my mindset. You are in less of a bind as you do have a career. Start thinking of building that up.
Once you start paying the debt down - and selling the horse will help - you will feel a sense of achievement. Once it’s paid you will feel a sense of freedom.
I still don’t have a frugal mindset. I buy far, far less and still like quality.
Stop thinking about what others think of you.
You are enough as you are, and you will sleep at night when you are no longer under this weight.

Sell your horse, prices are high at the moment but with the coming hay shortage prices may well drop. Horse ownership is supposed to be fun, you aren't having fun, so let go of your equestrian identity. My partner and I have 6 horses between us, so I know what I'm talking about.
Then make a note of what your horse realistically costs you every month. Add to that your usual credit card monthly payment. The total is your new monthly credit card payment - that will make a dent quite quickly won't it??

If you want to be part of the horse world do it on a voluntary basis that doesn't cost you any money. Volunteer at an RDA. Assist in events and shows.

I think you already know how urgent/bad your situation is and you’re probably subconsciously looking for people to tell you it’s okay.

You say being part of the equestrian scene is part of your identity, but surely this is only true if you actually enjoy having a horse?! Sounds like you’re in it for the status rather than genuine enjoyment. Sell the horse, let him go to someone who will get the best from him.

With regard to everything else - you’ve said your husband doesn’t know the extent of your debt, so in my opinion you need to fess up and formulate a plan to reduce it as much as you can by exploring implementing measures such as selling the horse/shifting debt to interest-free credit cards/entering an IVA/debt-consolidation loan etc, etc.

Yes, life is short and travelling and seeing the world is really fulfilling, but we’re not talking about sticking a 2 week all-inclusive on a credit card here… you have £50k worth of debt. The simple truth is you can’t afford these luxuries at the moment. You’re feeling the squeeze even with minimum payments on your existing debt, running up more would be extremely reckless and, if done whilst intentionally misleading your husband about the extent of your already poor financial situation, could potentially threaten your relationship.

Time to face the music, implement a budget and get that debt down so that you do have the ways and means to enjoy life the way you want to, rather than robbing Peter to pay Paul each month.

Your mental health will thank you for it in the long run. Good luck!

I'd agree with @itstartedinthepeaks . Step change are great, but not the way to go if you're "managing" the debt at the moment.

I lived and breathed horses for many years, produced them professionally, competed internationally. I got to the point where struggling to afford them, and the debt I was in took away all the enjoyment for me.

I sold up, then worked hard to pay off my debt. I'm now in the position where we could, if we wanted, go back to the equestrian life, and probably afford to compete much more manageably, but the shine has gone for me. I still ride when I want for friends, still go to competitions etc, but having financial freedom and the lack of heart ache which doesnt come from owning horses makes me far more content.

How is your debt split? Are credit cards all interest free?

You can't afford a horse right now and if you aren't enjoying the horse, you are not the best owner for it right now either.

Sell the horse, take some time to concentrate on clearing debts then learn to live in a way that means you don't get back into debt.

Once you've done that, maybe you can look at owning a horse again if you can afford it.

@SharpOliveUser your debt is more than a years salary, so I would say the £10k you could get back by selling the horse would be worth it, you can always get another one when you're in a better financial position
I would be honest with your husband about the current state of your debt, but I would be tempted to try to work out how you will need to budget to clear it down
In reality it would be quicker to pay down with both salaries. So get open a spreadsheet list all income and expenses including monthly minimums on the debt, groceries, mortgage, utilities. Then see how much is left over, I would see if you could get a joint emergency fund built up over the next few months and see how much wiggle room you have to put against the rest of the debt

Are you also in £50k debt?

Yes but later life could be nice too if you live responsibly now. Being responsible doesn’t mean no fun. Imagine not having enough money to cover the basics, perhaps suffering ill earth etc ..dont suppose you’d be thinking”Oh well at least I had that horse!”

I'm going to be blunt...you need to grow up. You are 40 not 24. The horse is a luxury you can't afford, so are the holidays. You have racked up over a years wages in debt.

Yet you aren't doing anything about it. You don't mention your husband and clearly he doesn't know. If you own a house that could go. Buying anything on credit for either of you could be hard, phone contacts, car leasing could all be made impossible.

You need to get your shit together now. Sell the bloody horse. Your "equestrian lifestyle" is a joke. You can't afford it. £10k will break the back of your debts, as will the reduced on going costs. Chuck the credit cards, start paying them off and on 2 or 3 years perhaps get another horse and be more sensible.

I would sell the horse. Sit down and make a budget to pay off your debt. Then come clean to your husband with the situation, show him your plan to pay it off as quickly as possible and live within your means going forward. Hope he doesn’t file for divorce. Yes, it’s that bad.

And how does the horse feel about this situation?

Oh ok. See his parents paid for him so the money issue wasn't there. The post I replied to wasn't clear on that

Yes there are lots of things to do, but you can't do them if you can't afford them.

Sell the horse and use the money you pay for it's upkeep to service the debt. You are in a better position to tackle the debt that most.

I am a single person on less money than you. There are plenty of things I can't afford to do so I don't do them. However at some point in a few years I will have a lot more money, so in the meantime I'm enjoying doing the things I can afford, and working hard.

Maybe get in touch with one of the debt agencies such as CAP (Christians against poverty).

They can talk you through your spending, debt and how to solve the problems.

They can also communicate to your various debtors and put together a repayment plan.

Baring your financial soul can be quite stressful - but your situation is too.

Some of your overspending has to go. As others have written your house has to go - this will give you £10 + the monthly outgoings. If you want to ride then I imagine you can borrow/rent one?

Your house isn't your only expense. I suspect something along the lines of cars, holidays, eating out/entertainment, drink, image maintenance, presents?

I think sharing your problem will, after the initial stress, may well help.

It may be time for an about turn in your life?

Whilst the details are different but you could be my brother and his wife writing about their past financial state. Spending about £10k/year more than was coming in. A joint effort that only came to light when one was incapacitated through illness, left job due to ill health and sadly died.
Pensions, insurance, early inheritance paid the debts off - but this has left the survivor in a poor state and unable to retire for a bit.

It was due to drink, gambling, buying stuff until the house was bursting at the seams, takeaways. House at risk. Spending almost became an illness.

Minimum car payments were similar to what was coming in on one wage.

I don't think you are at this stage - but you need to grab the bull by the horns sooner rather than later.

All the best with this.

Definitely sell the horse. After delapidated property, I don't know of worse money pits!

Stop going on holidays and start finding things you enjoy doing that cost little or nothing. If you like reading, join a library, if you like exercise go hiking. Don't buy food on a whim, plan it (I am very bad at this myself but when broke I do it and it saves masses). Anything you NEED (not want) buy it second hand.

Hi op I haven't read all the answers so sorry if someone has said similar - we were in about 10k cc debt and owned on a car. We paid that off and now we but are looking to borrow 5k for a new kitchen (not sure which method) and lots of people borrow money. It does stress me out though!

We used the snowball method which worked really well and it was great ticking each debt off then putting the money towards the next debt. And now I save that money each month in premium bonds. I would try and think of easy places to cut back like grocery shopping, mid week take aways, eating out, alcohol, switch to vinted for shopping and horse training. But ultimately don't be too hard on yourself and feel like you need to live like a monk as some sort of penance for wanting a nice life - you've only got one life and you don't know what's round the corner, however paying debts definitely gives you freedom to retire early/work and worry less so its all about balance.

Good luck! X

StepChange don’t immediately put you in a debt management plan.

They’ll support you and give you advice, and options (and that’s one, but there are many others).

A friend successfully cleared her substantial debt with support from Christians Against Poverty (CAP). There’s no obligation to have any form of religious belief to use their services and there should be no expectation to attend church etc. They put together a debt plan for her and I think got her to put the money for monthly outgoings into a separate account so the money in her current account was what she had available as ready cash.

The horse, stabling costs and selling his kit will make a substantial dent in the debt.

Look at what else you can sell. Although you rarely make a fortune on selling on stuff, it’s surprising how it does add up. It also changes your attitude to stuff as you really start to notice what you have, what you actually need or enjoy and how much stuff loses its value.

Then, go through all subscriptions. We alternate between streaming subscriptions once we’ve got enough we want to watch on a particular service. Look at whether you can switch utilities providers to save money.

If you haven’t got them already, get a good thermos coffee mug and water bottle so you’re not always buying beverages out.

Then, any chance of an evening job a couple of times a week where your wages go straight toward paying the debt? 10 hours bar work a week could net around £120 a week, around £400 net a month. That’s £4-5000 a year you could put towards the debt.

As you go on this journey you may well find the overspending stops as you become more aware of what you have coming in and what you really need to buy with it.

Good luck! And tell hubby, maybe once you’ve got a plan together.

You have a lifestyle you can't afford - you are overspending by 5k a year and that will snowball with the interest if you don't do something now. I think the horse situation would be more difficult if you enjoyed the horse but you don't there's 10k plus the expenses a horse brings- vets, field rent, food etc is all money that could be paying off your debt. What if something happened to your partner, 1 of you lost your job or or you split how would you manage double the expenses on your salary and no savings safety net? Echo others who have said go on the MSE debt forum lots of great advice there about trimming expenses, moving debt to 0% and creating a plan to sort this situation before it's too late

Unfortunately by selling the horse he will then ask where the money has gone from the sale. But it at least shows him that you are handling it and are doing what you need to do. I would definitely try to consolidate your loans/cards etc - I did the same and saved a fortune by paying off extra each month. I also sold so much on Vinted/FB that I really didn't need. I did everything to make some money - even changing bank accounts to gain the Bank Switch bonus.

It can be done. Tell your husband, but maybe after you've initiated the horse sale. Good luck x

Only having £500 in savings is pretty shocking. Sell the horse and take some major cut backs.

I would be absolutely terrified to be in this amount of debt with no plans to deal with it.

As a horse owner myself I would say sell the horse. It's not just the horse is it, it's farriers, supplements, vets, feed, bedding etc. I am on an assisted DIY yard at the moment and I worked out very sketchily this week it still costs me about £700 a month. That is serious money that could pay off that debt in no time.

I am not sure if you are on a yard currently, I am guessing you are and I bet there are always horses you could ride (a few people ride my horse for lessons and hacking etc for example), or you could share one a couple of times a week for a fraction of the cost.

You simply are not in a position to own a horse at the moment. I am not trying to be nasty here but I don't know how you sleep at night!

Judging by my very crude calculations you could be debt free in about 4 years just based on the above and probably sooner if you snowballed. Once all debt paid off then look at buying another horse.