Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

I think your son has a good head on his shoulders. He is right to question his gf’s loyalty. Would his girlfriend apologise to his parents if the tables were turned? And why exactly does she think she should apologise to her dad for? The relationship was between them. Has she never mentioned to her dad that she was also in the wrong? They both treated each other badly. If your son apologies to he dad now, her dad will think he has some hold over him when quite frankly it doesn’t concern him. Especially if they are fully grown adults. I think it would be wise for your son to ask his girlfriend more questions and perhaps have a man to man chat with her father to understand his expectations. He might well walk away from this himself as the girlfriends family do sound toxic.

Now you've commented about the girlfriend's father being an alcoholic, I'd advise your son to go and look at the information available for families of alcoholics.

If both of them want to continue the relationship, they will need to find ways to put boundaries around the father's behaviour, which may in practice require the young woman to move out if they still live together. That may not be financially possible at the moment.

If it's too difficult/ scary to think about setting those kinds of boundaries with her father, the girlfriend may need some of the advice for abusive relationships.

Whether your son wants to stay with her is a question only he can answer.

These are two separate issues one is whether he wants to treat her to a holiday or not for her birthday, and the other is whether he wants to call her out for enabling her dad to treat him badly.

He needs to leave this relationship. A parent taking that much involvement is toxic

He is, literally, a raging alcoholic

Nothing good comes from a parent inserting themselves into a relationship like this. Your son should walk away rather than getting more entangled with such a toxic family.

“Keeping the peace” in that family would just result in a miserable life.

The potential father in law sounds a nightmare. It’s your son’s life so he has to decide what to do without pressure but I’d be praying it fizzles out.

From what you've said in your posts, your son isn't likely to want to apologise to her dad when he behaves like he has towards his ?wife and daughter. People are different, families are different, dynamics within families can be especially difficult. Some dad's are protective of their daughters no matter what and it doesn't matter how the father sees himself -through other people's eyes or not - he obviously sees himself as the man of the house and somehow your son has crossed a line. It'd be a good idea to find out exactly what your son has 'supposedly' done that has caused the bad feeling from her father - is it something he did or is it something his girlfriend has told her dad he did?

If you don't know what the issue was, how can you help them to build bridges (or not).

It's far easier to let them sort things out themselves - only they can sort it, it's not really anything to do with you. Having said that we do end up being referee sometimes but you can only help if you've got the full facts x

Apologies I didn't read the full thread when I posted that

If he wants to take her on holiday then that really has little to do with the situation with her dad. Using money to control anyone is not a great look. Her father wanting an apology is ridiculous but maybe they both need to be more independent of their families.

I'd be tempted to let this play put. Your DS GF will be miserable on holiday, seeing their siblings all partnered up and her own father probably sinking jugs of margaritas and becoming increasingly more abusive.

I had a similar situation in my youth with an ex's step dad. She had to be home for 10pm every night. If she was a minute late (literally a minute) the next day it was 9pm. She was 17, the SD I think wanted to make the rules so strict she wanted to leave, whilst the half sister was treated like royalty. My own mum seen all of this so clearly and told me in no uncertain terms GF was not living in our house. When we split it was a relief to get away from such a bad situation. She bounced around from boyfriend to boyfriend, basically anywhere she could cocklodge to get away from the SD.

I wouldn't be advising your son to split up with her, but I would be telling him to keep his money in his pocket until after the family holiday. I think you both know the relationship is doomed, there's no future if the dad expects an apology for quite frankly playground behaviour that didn't impact him in the slightest. If they move in, get married, have kids etc that relationship is never going to recover.

Apologise for what ?
The treatment of each other was exactly that each other if the daughter has forgiven your son and him forgiven her.
The father sounds like a prick it's nothing to do with him and he doesnt deserve any apology whatsoever.
Your son should stay true to himself maybe think about this future and if he really wants to put up with this from girlfriends father.
I'd advise my son to maybe get some space from this relationship.
Sounds doomed.

I feel for your son. His girlfriend should have stuck up for your son to her dad and at least explained that she had made it up with him and that should have been enough. I think your son must feel quite betrayed by her actions.

I think maybe ask your son to give you the bare bones of what the argument was about before you make a judgement if her dad is being unreasonable or not.

All sounds crazy, including you getting so involved.

We need to know the reason behind the temporary split before commenting.

We know. OP told us.

The comment was a question from another poster