Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

I want to know what they did but actually that's not relevant. Why should your son apologise to her dad for something he did to her? Even if he did something really bad I can't see why her dad needs an apology. The fact his girlfriend wants him to go along with this, even though she did something similar to him and hasn't apologise to you, doesn't make any sense to me. I would say to him that the relationship should end because she is taking her dad's unreasonable side and she isn't treating him as she has been treated herself. I'm sure she would be horrified to think of apologising to you.

I think he should have just sucked it up and apologised even though the Dad was being unreasonable.

It’s toxic for her to be stuck between two men. He could have just saved her that pressure and stress. That’s what I would have done in your DS shoes.

I strongly believe couples should have each others back and keep their issues private. Now that shes told her family they will always treat him like this I hope he finds someone who puts him first like he does.

Why should he apologise to her dad? They have both treated each other bad and resolved it between them. Her dad needs to let it go he isnt the one who is in this relationship but his daughter. I dont think ops son has to apologise to her dad for anything and Im glad he hasnt.

Spot on!

Spit up!!

Some parents (I include my own mother in this) won’t move on from this kind of thing. It led to me telling her very little about my relationship as I’d have moved on from something, and she would be saying ‘he’s not welcome in my house now’. Its incredibly frustrating, and will lead to his daughter spending less time at home.

I guess your son wouldn’t want to go on holiday with her dad anyway given the situation, and he can’t expect to be invited given he refused to apologise. We don’t know the full story, and I guess neither do you, and whilst I don’t agree in him apologising to her father, a conversation with him after they got back together would have been the best approach. It’s a bit late now and this relationship will only get worse if they wanted to get married / have children. He should cancel his plans to take her on holiday as he’s only going to be resentful that she is going with her family / their partners.

I would definitely be advising my son not to pay for her holiday, it sounds like she doesn't have his back at all.

I'm trying imagine myself in her situation and I just can't. My dad would never treat me as an extension of himself like this. Why on earth would he expect an apology? It's so weird and controlling. If I were the girlfriend I'd be embarrassed by my dad's behaviour, but she seems to think it's ok. That sets off a little warning bell for me, has she internalised this sexism? Does she expect to be "looked after"?

It’s a teenage love relationship spilling into adulthood, it’s time for it to end really. I don’t think your approach is 100% right either, all this ‘instantly and unconditionally’ treating her like your daughter stuff, it’s a toxic relationship that isn’t going to last forever, it’s not like she’s your DIL. She isn’t your child, he is. What did they do to each other during that split? The dad may have basis for being annoyed at your son and wanting to hear it won’t happen again, your son has chosen not prioritise his girlfriend by saying he’s sorry so he’s either 1) arrogant or 2) she’s the bad guy and maybe you should have expected more from her too.

No he shouldn’t spend his money taking her on holiday, she can sort her own holidays and he can save his money for himself. It’s also right her family don’t offer to take him away because rightly or wrongly he doesn’t respect her parents.

It would depend on what happened between them. My dd once went back to a boyfriend that I just couldn’t welcome into my family. She was welcomed back into his and it was all very difficult. Fortunately we managed to keep communication open with dd so she had somewhere to go when she needed to run.

Had the gf not told DS she was due to go on holiday with her family - why had he ‘just learned’ that? Failed to mention that all other partners were going too?

The gf is at fault as she’s been telling (I’ll bet, one-sided) tales. I think the gf needs to step up and say ‘look dad, I’ve forgiven him, and he has forgive me. We are happy and have been happy for nearly 2 years. Can we agree to move on? I’d like him on the trip /I’d like us to have a lunch before that’
If needed she can get her siblings or mother to advocate too. If there’s any apology, it’s a three-way one that they all didn’t come to the table earlier.

Ds absolutely doesn’t buy or pay for any holiday til this is resolved.

Long term this gets messier and messier. What happens if she gets pregnant and her family bar him from the birth/ insist he can’t come around with his child/ won’t visit their shared home because he lives there. Her dad sounds unhinged tbh but also you’ve not mentioned what they both did that was so bad to break up in the first place. Either way, it’s very toxic for such a young couple and I can’t see how it can resolve with so much bad blood under the bridge. Even if he apologised now there’s been years of ill feeling and it won’t change how they see him.

Even if the past ‘treating each other badly’ included DS cheating first, that’d be between DS and his GF. Family might be rightly unimpressed with DS but should have been at least civil, which they haven’t been.

The only thing that could make their treatment of DS more understandable would be abusive behaviour on his part towards GF, but in that case it’d be v weird to condone it if DS apologised to GF’s father.

I agree with this to an extent but it depends on what the split was about and op’s son’s part in it I think? Also whether both families are the same nationality?

The gf may have taken responsibility and her dad may still be insisting on an apology from op’s son owing to some cultural reason or difference? Or because he saw his dd desperately distraught and upset during the split, and he feels very protective towards his dd and wanted to talk to op’s son to ensure the situation didn’t arise again.

It may seem old fashioned to us but this would be seen as normal behaviour in some cultures. The dad sees it as his job to protect his dd. It could come from a good place, not necessarily a controlling one.

There was a very similar post to this, a number of months ago. The Son had cheated on his GF, which is why they split up, and the Dad wouldn’t have him back in the house… so I do think context is really important

What an absolutely ridiculous and patriarchal twat your son's girlfriend's dad is. Why on earth does he need an apology? I presume that your son and his girlfriend have apologised to each other about any previous behaviour that caused their break up.

I agree that their relationship has no future, unless your son doesn't mind apologising and accepting that this awful man will be controlling their relationship for years to come.

How would his girlfriend feel if you demanded an apology from her for hurting your son? I doubt that it would go down well.

This GF sounds like she has a cushy existence to be honest. She’s getting best of both worlds in so far as your family are entertaining her, feeding her, taking her on holiday…….all of which she is actually enjoying at her own home. Yet her family cannot offer the same hospitality to her BF, your son.

Seemingly, your DS has had his eyes opened by her comment regarding her forthcoming family holiday and the fact he isn’t invited because he won’t grovel to her dad…………your son has standards OP and you should be proud of him.

However, I do think the relationship is doomed long term…….what if they were to marry, can you imagine the wedding day and his pitiful life thereafter forever ostracised by his in-laws?!?!

Best he dumps her now and if I were you I certainly wouldn’t be entertaining her quite so freely.

YABU to get involved in this!

leave him to make his own decisions, as an adult, rather than getting 😡on his behalf

I'll give this relationship two months at most.
Hopefully they'll both see sense and walk away.

I don't think he's wrong that his GF should be advocating for him instead of blaming him.

But was her comment a sign of how she really feels or just said in frustration because she can't get her Dad to change and she wants her BF to be able to spend time with her family?

If she's really okay with her dad being like this, I agree that that's a red flag and your DS should consider getting out of this relationship and freeing himself up to find someone nicer.

I'm not surprised it's made him think twice about taking her on holiday, but that's not really the appropriate response. That's almost a punishment - she did that so I'm doing this - whereas really he needs to be considering whether he should be with her at all.

I have to add that I don't know many relationships where the couple have split up and then got back together without either separately or together doing a lot of work on themselves, or a few years intervening to allow them to grow up. Splitting up and getting straight back together is more of a 'you are familiar and I can't be bothered to go through being single again' event and I ALWAYS fear for the future of any couple where this has happened.

I think that cracks were papered over in your son's relationship and that they are beginning to reopen. Perhaps some time apart might give these two a chance to think properly about what has gone on between them.

You should have your son’s back here.Everyone seems to have the girlfriend’s back.

Toxic relationship.

The girlfriend is a user and hasn't an ounce of loyalty to him, hopefully he realises that.

How badly did they treat each other that her father felt that?
Has she bad mouthed badly and he doesn't know just how much?

Hopefully this will be the push to move on.

Tell him save his money.

WAY too much grief and palaver, WAY too young. They should break up.

I don’t think it is a good idea to pay for someone else’s holiday - they should go halves. I do think that’s relevant, along with the fact a relationship where one family excludes is frankly a dead end - possibly a long way off, but a dead end