Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

DS’s girlfriend cheated on him. He reacted to that. Why should he apologise to anyone, let alone an abusive alcoholic control freak of a father ? Of coursed there’s harm in it. It’s enabling a controlling dickhead.

So he needs to split up with her then. Keeping a feud going with her family isn't conducive to an ongoing relationship.

Based on your update why would be want to go on holiday with an abusive man?

Putting the fact her father is an alcoholic in the OP would have helped

Well clearly things need to change. Either he has to do what he has to do to get on with the family, the gf tells her dad to get over it, or they split up.

Sounds as if they’d be better splitting up, but something has to change.

Even so, if the son and girlfriend have made up why is there an apology needed to the father?

Answer- because the father sees his daughter as chattel.

True, but I'm not going to take a line of "if you apologise to me I'll give the reconciliation my blessing, if you only apologise to her for hitting her then I wont".

This. Whole situation sounds bizarre. They’re adults, yet still so needy?

This relationship isn't going anyway if her father does this. Even if your son apologises it will always be between him and her father.

Hindsight is a great thing but this is what's meant by the term 'pick your battles'.

However interfering her dad may have been, your son should have apologised to him to keep the peace. Whatever your son believes to be 'right', not doing so has prolonged this situation and has caused the current holiday drama.

It's been two years, so it's too late to apologise now and, to be honest, I'm not sure a relationship with such tricky family dynamics has much longevity.

I'd advise that your son take the time while his gf is on her family holiday to decide whether they should perhaps call it a day.

Or he's just very protective as most good fathers are...

This sounds well dodgy. What did he do when "treating each other badly"? Did he blame his girlfriend then, too??

The GF hasn’t got your sons back. I’m a mum of sons and I would be very wary of this behaviour and they are both too young for this toxicity. Is her father going to act like this forever? Will she always resent your son and allow this to hang over him and bring it up at every fight they have? That’s no life I’d want for any of my sons and I’d be advising he finish the relationship. Daughters and their fathers, he’s never going to hear the end of it. Get him out of it in hope he finds someone who loves him and cares about him, supports and cherishes him.

Wow, so she full-blown cheated, and he had a quick snog with a stranger. I am not seeing what he has to apologise to the dad for, I bet the gf hasn't told her dad the whole story!

Tbh she is the main problem if she can cheat she will again. I think if he stays with her you and your family should stop taking her out or on holidays she is being a cheeky 2 face bitch tbh. I hope he calls it a day soon she started the problem did she tell her dad she cheated on him then had the guy gloat sorry but it’s a no from me. I get you accepted they forgave each other which is the mature way to act. But her dad will always be a thorn in his side and tbh he didn’t go as far as her so had a lot more respect for her. He needs to remind her of that next time she tells him to apologise.

They’re still young and have time to find other people and settle down.

I think her dad is completely unreasonable and therefore so is she. She needs to tell her dad to grow up and mind his own business.

i would be advising that he needs to really evaluate his life, his choices and his girlfriend.

I also feel they should split up..this is all.a bit much for 'young love'
What did your son do? What has he done to 'treat her badly'? I do believe he should maybe apologise to her father if he has actually treated her badly... but I think it's too little too late now and there will always be issues..

My opinion would be that both sets of parents are too involved. (I don't mean to offend when I say that).

Take parents out of it and imagine they're now living together. They wouldn't last if a) she's not telling her dad to butt out and/or b) he doesn't stiffen up to the fact that his GFs dad doesn't approve. Mix the two together and it's unworkable.

I would discourage your DS to treat his gf to a holiday, he is better off saving his money for something that he wants.
OP stop being so generous to his gf as your DS is definitely not treated the same

The gf sounds toxic, the dad sounds toxic. End the relationship.

How does him being protective explain why he, personally, needs an apology?

I think your attitude towards them so far has been measured and sensible. I would leave them to it. If your son has decided he’s less keen to treat his girlfriend to a holiday and won’t apologize to her father then so be it. I would continue your great approach in terms of supporting him whatever he decides.

The two things are separate: first, he's protective of his daughter and, second, he doesn't need an apology, he just wants one.

Did she apologise to you and your DH about her behaviour? probably not.
Her dad sounds very old fashioned and stubborn especially as it's been 2 years since the fall out. How do her siblings and their partners treat him.
Has he been made to be the bad guy while she is wronged one, did she say she was partly to blame or has she put all the negative stuff on him.
I would ask how does he see his relationship moving on from this, because honestly what happens if they have children or want to get married? It is going to be even more awkward.
I would think she is going to feel totally out of it on holiday as she will be the only one without a plus 1.

I think I would feel the same way as you, and so would my DS in your sons position.
It's nearly 2 years! Why hasn't either she or her Dad sorted this out by now! Doesn't sound like a long term thing...