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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

343 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 07:12

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

  1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

  2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 07/07/2025 07:14

I think they should split up. This is all very toxic

sorrynotathome · 07/07/2025 07:15

I agree. It seems she's not really that into him. And they are practically children.

Fidgety31 · 07/07/2025 07:15

Your son should not be punishing his girlfriend for her fathers behaviour .

saraclara · 07/07/2025 07:17

Fidgety31 · 07/07/2025 07:15

Your son should not be punishing his girlfriend for her fathers behaviour .

He isn't. He's reacting to her not having his back and challenging her father about the way he's treating him.

SaintNoMountainHighEnough · 07/07/2025 07:17

I would leave that relationship.

That type of parental interference is extremely toxic.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 07/07/2025 07:17

I think the scales are falling from his eyes and the relationship will fizzle out. Apologise to her father indeed!

Lafufufu · 07/07/2025 07:18

I wouldn't "invest cash" taking her on holiday and I would honestly advise he critically evaluate the relationship.

Reasons

  • she isnt advocating for him
  • she isnt managing her family
  • what does his life look like in 10 years (unpopular opinion: in laws ARE important. Hubands in laws being accommodating/ not being arseholes is arguably more important)

He might think the relationship is great but I am not so sure.

I would be asking him if this goes on like this and they stay together, what does his life look like in 10 / 20 years....?
Not great.

If i were you I'd pray it ends in the next 6m maybe the holidays will bring it to a head?

user134276 · 07/07/2025 07:18

For me, it would depend on what the "treating each other badly" looked like tbh.

Was it absolutely equal what your son did vs what the gf did?

HOWEVER I also agree, they should split up, a good relationship does not start this way.

bellamorgan · 07/07/2025 07:18

I mean this relationship clearly isn’t going to work.

If he was never willing to apologise since 2023 and her family were never willing to back down either. how did he or she think this was ever going to play out.

millymollymoomoo · 07/07/2025 07:19

Depends on what the breakup was about and if he did treat her badly? If so, admit it, apologise and move on. If not, no I wouldn’t.

if I was him I’d also be telling my girlfriend that her dad is unreasonable and she needs to tell him to let it go and butt

if I was you ds I’d be questioning if I wanted to relationship!

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 07/07/2025 07:19

They should split up. The dad sounds insufferable (although you haven’t said what went on when they split in 2023).

saraclara · 07/07/2025 07:20

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 07/07/2025 07:17

I think the scales are falling from his eyes and the relationship will fizzle out. Apologise to her father indeed!

Yep. Apologising to her father would be pandering to a paternalistic and sexist Victorian style of parenting a daughter.

W0tnow · 07/07/2025 07:20

I think the girlfriend’s dad is being unreasonable, and in a way, so is your son. The girlfriend is also stuck in the middle. What is she supposed to do? Both men are being stubborn in their own way, by swinging their masculinity around and letting their egos get the better of them.

Im not saying your son should go begging for forgiveness, but he has an opportunity to rise above things. “What happened was between us, we have moved on from it, we are happy. I’m not going to involve you every time we have a major disagreement. My parents are not going to hold a grudge against your daughter every time we have a major disagreement. I have moved on. We are happy together. If you refuse to see me then you’ll see less of her. We both want to see her happy.

saraclara · 07/07/2025 07:21

bellamorgan · 07/07/2025 07:18

I mean this relationship clearly isn’t going to work.

If he was never willing to apologise since 2023 and her family were never willing to back down either. how did he or she think this was ever going to play out.

When things went wrong, his apology should have been to his girlfriend (and presumably was). NOT to her father.

sandgrown · 07/07/2025 07:22

Her dad could be an obstinate bombastic old misery like my stepdad was. When he had a grudge nothing anybody said would change his mind . Not sure that if I was your son I would want to spend time with that family . Do they not have minds of their own? Your son should meet the dad 1–1 and tell him he won’t be apologising for something they were both at fault for and had managed to resolve . It can’t make the situation any worse.

Remaker · 07/07/2025 07:22

Forget about the holidays, the whole relationship is doomed. I wouldn’t apologise to him either, she’s not his possession that’s been mistreated. Imagine how much he’s going to interfere in the future!

Dozer · 07/07/2025 07:23

Her parents sound old school / interfering and unreasonable to ostracise DS. If she is thinking that’s all OK and blaming DS he’d best end the relationship.

It sounds like DS’s girlfriend perhaps hasn’t yet separated from her parents.

BlueMum16 · 07/07/2025 07:23

If he didn't feel an apology in 2023 was needed he shouldn't be forced into one now.

As for giving him advice, I would suggest they take the time she is on holiday to consider how this relationship will work in the longer term.

It doesn't sound like an equal partnership anyway, she sounds spoilt why would DS be treating her to a holiday? Why has she not spoken to her dad if your DS is important to her?

Dozer · 07/07/2025 07:24

In your situation as parents I wouldn’t have paid for DS’s GF to come on holiday with you, that’s OTT IMO!

Poonu · 07/07/2025 07:26

Why can't he go and talk to the dad?

AgnesX · 07/07/2025 07:26

If I was your son, I'd not pay for her holiday.

Any apologies are for her to accept not her father. It sounds like he's not happy about whatever happened so any holiday together would be awkward. He needs to realise that it takes two to make a relationship.

Given that his gf is making out that it's now all his fault I'd be having second thoughts altogether if I was him.

Sassybooklover · 07/07/2025 07:28

My guess is the girlfriend blamed your son entirely for any poor behaviour leading up to their split, to her family. She took no responsibility for her part, and has allowed her family to continue blaming your son. If you think about it logically, if she'd been honest with her family - they were both 50/50 to blame for their own behaviour and consequent split - why would her Dad be insistent on an apology to him for the way your son treated his daughter?! He wouldn't be insisting on it, if he knew she was partly to blame, because you could rightly request the same from her, and it would be ridiculous! She's not going to stick up for your son, in front of her family, because the narrative her Dad has been led to believe is the one she's happy to go with. If she told him she is partly to blame, she'd have to admit her part, and then Daddy would realise his daughter hasn't been entirely honest with him or the rest of the family. I'm sorry to say but your son's girlfriend is immature, manipulative and this won't get any better the further into the relationship he goes.

Starlight7080 · 07/07/2025 07:28

Well it really depends on what actually happened.
You have obviously decided it was not important and that's fine and probably sensible.
But the girls dad may have been witness to things you have not been or his daughter told him things he did not approve of or like. In terms of how your son treated his daughter.

WonderingWanda · 07/07/2025 07:28

She's not a princess, she should be paying for her own holiday. Her Dad sounds insane. Your son should get out while he can and find someone more normal.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/07/2025 07:30

I think he needs to end things. Especially since she’s said he should have apologised to her Dad. No matter how well the relationship works when it’s just the two of them, if her dad continues to treat him like this and she continues to accept it he’s doomed to a life of misery. If they got married, would her dad refuse to come? If they had kids, would she be taking them to her parents all the time without him? Her dad is definitely the problem, but he’s not going to change so better to walk away then keep dealing with this unreasonableness