Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

I’d advise my son that this relationship is going nowhere, he will always be excluded from family events and things like weddings, having babies will always cause problems, by the sound of it what dad says goes and ds’s girlfriend sides with dad.

cut his losses and move on.

i certainly wouldn’t be telling him to apologise to the dad unless he had personally said or did something to the dad.

It does depend very much on what your son did to his daughter.

personally, I would have spoken to him. Your son knowing her dad was upset but not being willing to speak to him is not good in my eyes.

equally, her dad being that controlling not good either - he could have just rung your son and asked for a conversation

the future is already complicated as it means if they had kids together this strained family relationships will be a problem

Or until her boyfriend was upset about the holiday / the deserved or undeserved consequences of whatever "treating each other badly" means...

End the relationship.

The dynamic of dad/daughter would be enough to put me off tbh. As others have mentioned, unless you son did something that directly impacted the dad, he isn’t due an apology and to demand one is bang out of order. To then cut off DS even though his daughter is back with him is too controlling for words. It shows a lack of respect for his daughter (she’ll never make a decision if it goes against what daddy would want), over-stepping boundaries, need to control and bullying. Does your son want to be with that sort of family for the rest of his life?

Flip side to the dad’s behaviour is the possibility that the GF will be used to being daddy’s princess. Never does anything wrong, dad always there to fight her battles for her…black! If they get married & have kids, whose family do you think will be dominant? Who will be popping round every other day, paying house deposits/buying them houses, saying where everyone’s going on holiday?

Tell your DS there’s plenty of other fish in the sea (that don’t come with dysfunctional family baggage). He’s young, relationships should be fun and stress free!

What did treating each other badly entail?

Absolutely this

Your son and the GFs father are both very stubborn and the GF is stuck in the middle of it. If she still lives with her parents and depends on them financially it may be very hard for her to stand up to them. Her dad may not realise the GF did any wrong in the relationship and may just see that your son hurt his daughter. I think your son should go and speak to the dad for his GFs sake and to enable them to move on with their relationship. The dad sounding like a stubborn and controlling person but there needs to be some end to it and I would encourage your son to be the bigger man here for his GF.

I mean they're 21 FFS. No one needs to put themself through that much grief for a relationship at that age. I don't think they're compatible, the dad obviously is an arse and I think he should cut her loose.

All the parental drama aside, I'm not liking the sound of the girlfriend. She sounds spoilt and a taker and unwilling to stand up for what is the right thing to do. These are not the kind of character traits you want in a partner long term.

SallyMcCarthy · 07/01/2025 09:54
Her parents know she cheated just as much [as my DS] - they both apologised to my son for her cheating when it happened.

The family sound bonkers. I'm not sure that I would welcome her into my home quite so much as OP does.
(Sorry to go dragging up old threads, OP, but you are being very slow in coming back to this thread you started.)

Apparently, yes:

remaining.
4PawsandATail · Today 09:16

You say they got back together in summer 2023 and everything has been fine?
I recognised this story so I searched your posts and in January of this year you said they most recently got back together October 2024, which is it?
In any case, I don't think they're meant for eachother.
I think my dad would be pissed off too. You don't know how reasons. It's your choice to treat her like family and it's his choice not to.

They could have had a conversation, not exactly apologising, but certainly expressing regret at what happened and ensuring dad understood that things would be different going forward. That would have been a mature thing to do at the time. Parents would obviously have been concerned.

It’s up to the gf to ensure her dad understands that things have changed, but if he’s never been around them, then it’s not hard to understand why he’s not been invited on this holiday.

Now is the time to either build bridges or finish the relationship; it’s bought things to a head.

The gf’s family clearly have a weird dynamic considering they apologised to your son on her behalf for her cheating on him. Did the gf apologise to you for cheating on him?! I think if he had given a reciprocal apology at that time (weird as it may be) then it could have avoided all of this ridiculous drama.

I would be advising my son that he’s too young for all this, he should be out having fun not settling down with a girl who doesn’t support him and is happy to see him being treated like this by her family. They have been together on and off since 16 which is just way too much too soon. Is he working or at uni? Is this relationship/dynamic holding him back? That would be my concern. Ask him how it will feel in 10 years time when they could have a child of their own and he’s still being excluded?

They are so young. They don’t need to ‘make it work’. They are not married with children. They need to move on.

On 07/01 this year, the OP posted that DS and his GF broke up twice, most recently getting back together in Oct 2024 ad PP said.

She added that both breakups were caused by mutual, drunken, alcohol fuelled cheating. This is what the GF’s father seems to want her son to apologise to him for.

So I stick by the idea that such an apology is out of bounds. The demand for one raises all sorts of questions about the girl’s relationship with her family.

The whole thing is not a picture of a match that was meant to be.

Do parents really get this involved in their children's relationships these days? In my day, yes, girlfriends/boyfriends were totally welcome in our parents' house and there was information flow etc, but me and my siblings and my friends would have been MORTIFIED if our parents had known any of the specific details of our relationships. Both your DS and his GF seemt o hvae way too much family involvement in their relationship and the whole thing reads like a couple of toddlers arranging playdates.

If this was all sorted before the father really has no right to keep digging up the past

The holiday would certainly not be a barrel of laughs for OP's son. The father sounds like the sort of bully who wants to control his daughter and her partner. He would just see the apology as a weakness and would be pleased that he had got his way by paying for holiday.

Regardless of what happened I'd think if he was bothered about the relationship he'd have apologised to the dad. Just stuck it up and move on. If I was the gf his refusal would tell me all I need to know and now thinking he should withhold gifts and what sounds like access to your family as punishment sounds very tit for tat. These issues wouldn't be cropping up in a happy and healthy relationship. Sounds like your son should end the relationship and do some maturing. Also what makes you think the gf has the ability to talk her dad round.

I'm wondering if you haven't told us what happen when they split up is because it wasn't equally as bad.
Though unless it impacted the father directly it still is up to his daughter how things proceed.

TBF, OP said in January that the GF’s parents had apologised for her cheating. Very weird to me and I think way too overinvolved but it may help explain why the father feels as he does.

@SallyMcCarthy the girls father sounds very controlling but the fact your sons GF has not stood up to her dad and told him to stop being ridiculous indicates the relationship is rather one sided and she just isn't as into him as he is to her, so he is right to be doubtful.

So I assume they both cheated on each other? If they're willing to move on forgive then the parents should ALL support them.

Why does he expect an apology? Unless your won was caught in bed with his MIL then I don't see why this affects him!!!

The more important stuff to think about is how is this going to be dealt with down the line. If they get married will her family come or not? Will her family see any future children?
She may love your son but she's playing both sides here.
I agree that I think it's none of the father's business and he should not have to apologise to him.
What kind of relationship will he have with the father going forward even if he does apologise?
Additionally will the daughter always side with her father over her partner for the rest of her days?
I don't like the sound of the dynamic here at all and would run a mile if I was your son.
The daughter sounds like she's manipulating people on both sides and has no backbone. I'd be gone.

why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

I'd suggest he ask her what she actually told her family - because it looks like she bad mouth him to them.

Also why does he need the apology- and not the DD - if there a reason fair enough though waiting two years and hilding agrduge that long doesn't bode well.

FIL was like that with his IL - and hearing the story it was the pettiest shit imaginable he was upset about- his FIL had to die before he saw MIL again it just really upset MIL though had few further implications. So possible he just an arse family used to pandering to - which frankly at 21 not sure I'd want a child of mine having to deal with.

I think he's probably quite sensible to step back - and suggest perhaps you are just polite to her as well and not more - I'd say to my DS this is a bit of a red flag and perhaps her wants to proceed very carefully and ideally throw this one back.

There is no mileage in this relationship. He needs to end it.

Her Dad is being a bit Victorian Dad about this, but I think it's unfair to blame the girlfriend for not having his back - if her Dad flat out refuses to see her boyfriend, what is she supposed to do? Why should she refuse to go on a family holiday because her boyfriend isn't invited, when he could have just placated her Dad, even though he's a bit of a dick?

It sounds a bit like the OPs son wants her to pick him over her family, and isn't supporting her in what is obviously a difficult situation for her.

I do agree with all the PPs saying the relationship has run its course, he's keeping score now, and withholding the holiday, so love's young bloom has definately faded.