Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

You say they got back together in summer 2023 and everything has been fine?

I recognised this story so I searched your posts and in January of this year you said they most recently got back together October 2024, which is it?

In any case, I don't think they're meant for eachother.

I think my dad would be pissed off too. You don't know how reasons. It's your choice to treat her like family and it's his choice not to.

My sister has been treated very poorly in the past by her now spouse. My sister is 5 years older than her spouse and so whilst she was 28 when they met her partner was 23 and incredibly immature, came from a family of flouncing behaviour then expected everything to be fine. My sister forgave her and moved on. We in turn, although aggrieved at how our sister had been treated, also had to move on. No cheating was involved just spiteful, almost playground like sticking your tongue out stupidity behaviour. They are a really lovely person but their circus and monkeys are drama llamas, flouncers and we are not that type of family. They are now in their late 40s.

Your son has no reason to apologise to her Dad, this isn't the 1920s. I think this might be the moment that he realises this relationship won't go the distance and also what she might have conveyed to her family about the breakup. Maybe she downplayed her part and made it all about his behaviour. Either way, this doesn't sound great.

It’s completely baffling the way Mumsnet thinks that parents should have nothing to do with their children once they hit 18. Oh, and the way everyone is assuming that the OP’s son has done nothing wrong.

This must have all happened when they were, what? 18 or 19? Fuck sake. Way too much drama. Tell your son to end it and go and have a proper relationship with someone without a weird controlling and overly involved father.

OP you said they both treated each other badly. Has the GF apologised to you for the way she treated your son? Works both ways

What about?

Why did they both treat each other badly? It's hard to know why the dad expects an apology. Were there other circumstances here? Has she apologised to her father for some reason?

His GF has probably not told the whole truth about their split to her family and her part in it. Therefore her dad blames your son. I don’t think this relationship will work. Your son is 21, relationships should be fun at that age, not hard work.

This would be my thinking too. Has your son got something to apologise for?

My take on it would be that ds has decided not to apologise knowing gfs family won’t be supportive or welcoming going forward. Why is he surprised not to be invited to family holidays or events?

In laws are important really, especially for a woman who woukd want the support of her mother and father if she has a baby, assuming she has had a food relationship eith them prior to all of this.
What actually happemed between the two of them, it would seem his girlfriend had confided in them about what went wrong. I can see thw fathers point of view if he has more insight and also it is one sided, maybe he thinks an apology is needed.
If tour son is sering this relationship as possibky marriage long term then he should work out a way to fix this for his future wife.

They have been together since they were 18 (presumably still at school?). Whatever the 2023 crisis involved, they were still only 19 ie by definition, immature. The GF’s dad seems to be treating his daughter as if she is still at this very immature and inexperienced stage of life. If the dad is as stubborn as he appears, this relationship probably doesn’t have a future and maybe your son would be wise to end it now and go on holiday alone or with a friend.

Your son needs to re-evaluate the relationship.

Despite both of them apologising to each other it seems that for 2 years she has not been entirely honest and feels your son should apologise to her Dad. Her justification for going on the holiday indicates she is putting her family ahead of her relationship which she is entitled to do. However it suggests a pathway for the future where her family will always come before your son.

How long has this holiday with her family been planned and when did she tell him she was going? From what you have written the girlfriend wants it all. She has taken everything your family have offered without apology but has different standards for her own family. Your son is getting a clear picture of the future and it doesn't look great.

Is it a point you're going to provide answers on?

Also agree with PP that there will almost certainly be a different story from the girl and her family.

I feel like I've read similar to this before, excluding the holiday part - have you posted about this before?

Either way, I tend to agree with those that say this relationship is dead in the water and they'd be better off realising that now before it turns nasty - again.

He needs to put her in the bin. What sort of woman is happy to accept meals and holidays paid by you knowing her family will never reciprocate?

Now she is blaming her bf for her fathers childish behaviour.

Tell him to dump her by text and and find a decent woman. There are plenty of us around.

What a dick of a dad. I wouldn't blame him if he wanted nothing to do with that family.

Usually, I prefer to remain impartial and diplomatic when it comes to my adult children's relationships but if I was asked, I would probably advise him that his girlfriends family (dad) aren't likely to change; the dads behavior has already caused trouble in the relationship. It will be under even more pressure if they married and had children together.

I’m sorry if I’ve missed it but did OP actually find out what the son supposedly did?

Lots of comments saying the dad is being unreasonable but I can’t see anything to suggest from either side?

What, like how the GF’s dad is punishing the son?

The girlfriend did not seem that adamant on the apology until the holiday came along!

The dad feels like he owns the daughter and she will go along with that if it suits her

This is a good point.

I do however think that the emotional impact isn't completely irrelevant. If their DD was completely inconsolable by whatever he did (and I mean beyond "mere heartbreak") and if the emotional impact of that affected the family? I do see why they have a hard time simply "allowing" him back and treating him as if nothing had happened...

I also agree with what @MikeRafone wrote: It is perfectly possible that whatever your DS did is something his girlfriend's father simply can't "forget" / pretend didn't happen. It is possible that he doesn't truly want the apology for himself but that he wants to know that your DS truly understands that whatever he did was wrong, from her DF's point of view unforgiveable and can't ever happen again. Whether that is his right is debatable. But what parent wouldn't want to protect their child? Especially if the believe that whatever your DS did was borderline abusive, criminal or simply highly unethical?

As for how you treat the girlfriend: I believe that you have been treating her with respect and care because that is how you want to treat her. That shouldn't be transactional and you shouldn't make that conditional on her father's treatment of your DS.

Poor girl. Why should she have to potentially damage her relationship with her family for a boyfriend? She’s 21! They’re not a married couple with kids. She needs to preserve her relationship with her family and to ask her to jeopardise it is not on.

Well I thought if there had been abuse the couple should part ways.

It had not occurred to me that perhaps the DS could have behaved with the GF family in such a way that they actually deserve an apology also until someone (you I think?) mentioned the possibility upthread. It is certainly a valid point.

I don’t get the apologise to the father for treating his daughter badly, the father doesn’t own the daughter. The daughter was deserved if any apology but the father sounds a control freak.

anyway it won’t last, time to start checking out.

I would advise him to break it off as it sounds like this will always dog them.

I think their youth is a big part of the problem here. She's almost a child and still needs the comfort and protection of her birth family. She's not independent enough to see her father's behaviour objectively or to stand up to him. She might well grow out of it over time, but it could take twenty years, or she could stay an emotional child forever.
Hard though it is, I think you need to dial. back your own behaviour ro mirror theirs and not include her on holidays etcetera. This would be fair to your son and encourage her to grow up.
Unfortunately, if they stay together, it could also alienate you from your son if in the long term he does start to go to her home more and she then doesn't want to come to yours if she feels you have been 'punishing' her.

I'd be quite concerned about why my son wouldn't apologise. If he's sorry about the way he treated his gf at the time, then why not apologise to her dad?

These things DO affect the family too - they deal with lots of the fallout and the distress of their child, and are there to support her whilst all the angst is going on. Many fathers are naturally protective, and it would be perfectly normal to want some form of reassurance that things were genuinely going to be different going forwards.

If he's not even able to apologise for something he is supposed to be genuinely sorry about, then as a parent, I'd be wondering if he really meant the things he'd said, and I'd be sharing that opinion with my daughter, even though I wouldn't cut him off. If there had been even a whisper of abuse though, I would cut him off in a heartbeat - and would be VERY wary going forwards, even if he did apologise.

Since we don't know what 'treating eachother badly' entails, it's really hard to judge. I don't think this relationship has legs though. They are on totally different pages on how to deal with this schism.