To think that most parents find saying ‘no’ to children very difficult?

[Mumbletoomuch]

I’m struggling with the fact my very reasonable friends seem incapable or scared of saying no to their children.

Child wants to eat the last homemade cupcake (second helping) when everyone else has had one? Of course. Just eats the icing off and wastes the rest? Just laughs it off

Child has friends over to play but wants to watch telly for hours straight? Meaning the play date is a TV marathon? Of course

Child wants huge monster slushy at a birthday party, when the hosts have provided squash? Of course. Many other children then start whining at their parents for the same? Of course

Child wants to role play with parent while they’re having a conversation with a friend? Of course. This means the adult conversation is disjointed and pointless, not a problem.

I’ve become self-conscious about how many boundaries and ‘no’ I give to my children, or if it is legitimately annoying and lazy parenting. We go on holidays, we do fun things, I play with them, we watch TV, they eat sweets, but I say no to a lot during the day. I would say no or boundary set in all the above examples.

AIBU?

My kids wouldn’t ask the party organiser for anything other than what’s on offer at the party. They might ask me if we’re at a place where slushies are on sale and if I was ok with them having one we’d get it on the way home. If other kids see and ask their parents it’s really not my issue

This isn’t the problem. The problem is going to a party with food and drink provided, turning your nose up at it and buying your own child an upgrade, while everyone else has what’s provided.

As I have already said, I wasn't expecting my friend's son. If I had been, I would have gone armed with games or lego or something. I honestly just wanted to make sure my friend was ok and if there was anything I could do.

What I was gently objecting to is the domination of the whole meeting by a 9 yr old. It wasn't a playdate. That is all. The end.

That isn’t what the OP said.

You didn’t need to be armed with LEGO, you just needed some awareness when you clearly seen him there. What sort of mother wants to pour through her cancer diagnosis and treatment with her 9 year old son sat at the table?
Your friend not wanting the conversation to go your way doesn’t mean her child was dominating the time.

Yes thanks, I did realise and reading this has made me understand more that she would keep her children close.

This is one person. Most people are not like this

He was though. He and mum played Uno throughout our conversation. I wanted to meet and support my friend, not have a diagnostic medical session. I won't do it again and I should have joined in but I was so surprised I didn't.
If she didn't want to meet me, she could have made an excuse. We had a cheerful conversation and they played Uno.

We had a cheerful conversation and they played Uno.

So she didn’t ignore you at all then?

This is exactly what OP said. Squash was provided. Entitled child/parent got an upgrade.

Child wants huge monster slushy at a birthday party, when the hosts have provided squash? Of course. Many other children then start whining at their parents for the same? Of course

What the OP said.

She was half there, she was half was playing Uno.

Yes, sorry I got lost in the subsequent discussion.

"If she didn't want to meet me, she could have made an excuse. "

It sounds to me like she really, really did want to meet you, she's just juggling a lot.

In fairness I can see its jarring when you're expecting one thing from a meet up, and then a child is there and you get a very different experience. I would always give a wee check that if I'm meeting someone they're happy for ds to come too (because I have noone else to mind him) or before we had to move I'd suggest they come round after his bedtime if they want a proper chat. Just so they knew what to expect.

I think all of that is vary fair tbh.

I said no to my children. I had one school mum ‘friend’ who would constantly try to override it - offering to pay for things or telling me to “let them have fun”. No. They didn’t need to go on and do all of these things when I had already said no.

I didn’t say no to everything of course, my children learned that whining got them nothing, and I always told them “I want doesn’t get”.

Another situation I had, was picking some food up in Sainsbury’s. My 2 year old had already had a snack that day and I was literally picking up essentials. I had told him this before we went in but of course, he’s 2, so asking for this, that and the other. I said “no” explained why again, and just kept saying “not today” calmly etc. Two separate people came up to me and said kudos to you for telling your child no. This was 15 years ago - I was a rarity then!

Correct. Many parents are terrible parents, you only have to look at how their children turn out to see that.

I say no to my children a lot but some of you may never ave encountered a child who takes no as a challenge to get you to say yes! Sometimes I crack.

If I had only had my eldest I would be the perfect parent as he is an easy and obedient child. No 2 and 3, not so much!

Don’t crack. It’s so much easier in the long run if you’re stronger initially 🤷🏼‍♀️
Each subsequent child learns from the one before so you just have to be prepared to know what you agree to. Don’t say no if you’re going to cave, essentially you’re just saying ‘no, but keep whining and it’ll eventually mean yes’

@Mumbletoomuch

The butting in & talking over adults already talking drives me INSANE!

I'm a Primary School Teacher & I spend half my day saying, "Wait, please - I'm talking to.... right now." They often do it to 2 adults having a conversation but countless times a day to an adult conversing with another child - they literally keep saying your name or get in your face & start talking when they can clearly see you already talking to/helping one of their classmates! If I have to tell them more than once, they get 'the hand' & 'the glare' - I ignore them & continue talking to the child I was already engaged with. 😡

No YANBU, you are refreshing! It’s a huge relief to know someone out there who also says no. I’ve seen this quite a lot as well, where parents cannot say no to their children. I’m not sure if it is associated with gentle parenting but so many parents are less gentle and more permissive.

Children are increasingly becoming CEOs to their parents and it’s ugly to watch it happen. It’s also difficult when your own child is with one of these parents as they don’t understand why you say no and they don’t and then they will also try it on and behave less well with those parents.

I agree that sometimes, it is a case of ‘choosing battles’ and sometimes I do say yes or let things slide when I probably should say no. I’m not afraid to say no when it really counts though and some parents won’t. I’ve seen children behave horribly, throwing tantrums and then asking for toys in a gift shop at the end of the day. For me, that would be a hard no, due to the child’s negative behaviour. Many parents are embarrassed of making a scene and give in due to that fear. Personally I’d prefer to feel embarrassed by a one off tantrum than to have the child as the boss of me for the rest of their natural life… I remember once my child shouting and demanding a treat from me. I refused based on the way I was being spoken to which led to more screaming. I stuck to my guns. After that, I had requests but not demands!

I’ve just read the examples you’ve provided. I stand by my response but the specific examples you’ve given don’t really sound so terrible to be honest. You weren’t talking about bad behaviour per se, just different family rules.

The constant interruption via role play - for me that one is a bit dependent on the age of the child as to whether that’s negative behaviour that should be nipped in the bud. If it’s a 2-4 year old, they don’t do well on their own for long and need to be more part of things. If we are talking 6,7,8 that’s different.

the drink thing is super annoying but that’s part of life, you always get one! For all you know it might have been an agreed reward if the child behaved at the event. It’s like if you go to the beach, some parents will buy ice cream and some won’t.

@Spinmerightroundbaby but there is also a difference between tantrum for the toy and relenting and a tantrum over something else and still getting the toy.

Children are prone to not being able to handle emotions/tiredness/hunger and get overwhelmed. If mine did that over something else and I had promised a treat beforehand I would not put them together

Which? Because I think they are all quite rude and entitled behaviours that should be refused by the parent.

a young child at one assumes either a soft play or trampoline type place seeing a slushy and asking for it isn’t rude or entitled as long as if the answer is a no it is accepted politely - they are there for a reason to make money!
neither is asking for the last cake.

it is never the asking (if polite) that is an issue is it? Other wise parenting becomes a mess of mixed messages that also screws children up!

As I have said things seem to have changed so parenting is diametrically opposed and compromise needs to be reached

it wasn’t like this 10 years ago

Agree with all of this.

All push boundaries as kids do but they learned early on that mum isn’t going to cave when she says no. It was also not placating them for an easy life or to keep them quiet all the time. It wasn’t easy and some lessons took longer than others (definitely did with our autistic son) but we got there in the end.