Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

It's common sense though really.

If you have a miscarriage, you are mourning the future too. If the miscarriage didn't happen, a healthy baby might've happened instead.

If you don't want to be pregnant, you aren't likely going to be thinking the same way as someone who is desperate to have a baby.

People who want to be pregnant say ''baby'' because if everything goes as they hope, a baby will happen at the end of it.

I honestly to god found twins easier than a singleton. Obv your decision but it’s not all doom and gloom. It’s a lot with what you have but it’s also an absolute blessing too. Think all ways, not just the negatives and give yourself a fair choice.

Hi @TeacupDoom I tried to PM you but couldn't for some reason.

I guess this thread has moved on some, but I just wanted to say that I had surprise twins at 38 and whilst they are the absolute highlight of my life, it is HARD at times.

Breastfeeding newborn twins was tough, getting any housework done when they were small was tough, bedtimes are nuts. There are many good things but it is not easy and with 3 already, I can see why you'd wobble.

Feel free to PM if you want.

That's not accurate either.
'early stages of development'. How can that definition possibly apply to a 3rd trimester fetus who is fully capable of survival, is fully developed and just needs to put on weight?

How can a 41 week fetus half way through labour be 'in the early stages of development'?

Pinky said that it's a foetus until it is born. And baby is incorrect unless you have given birth to said baby. Which means if someone had a miscarriage we would be able to say, it's okay, it was only a foetus.

How many people are aborting a pregnancy at 41 weeks?

I was meaning in context of when the vast majority of terminations happen during the first 12 weeks. An embryo becomes a foetus at that point.

You could say because you would technically be correct.

I'm not sure why people would say that just to be the right though because of what I said in my previous comment.

People often don’t want advice, they want corroboration. If we all tell you to terminate but when it comes to it you can’t/decide would rather go ahead… well there’s your answer. Same if we all say keep and it’ll work out, but you desperately want to not be pregnant, again there’s your answer. People deep down usually know what they want to do… no situation perfect OP so you need to make a call and stick to it knowing whatever you choose will have consequences.

YANBU. In your position I’d have an abortion

But if you want to contemplate going ahead there are basic conditions you have to lay down for your partner
-marriage
-decisions on inheritance for all 5 kids
-a will
-written agreements on childcare
-firm agreements on domestic, family admin labour and jobs
-a budget for all children thinking through their needs, costs, and opportunities, from baby to nursery to secondary school, to university, to help with a car, house deposit, etc.

I personally wouldn't, but I'm going by pinks logic

I have twins; it was hard work, but we knew nothing of babies. The only twin-parent I met who was easy about twins had them as babies 4 and 5, so you would probably find it easier than I did.

Absolutely. Periods all over the shop, as she says, can mean this, but there's also lots of people who have children in their late 40s or beyond. Thinking about it, most of the older ones I know do have twins.

In your position I'd have a termination. My mental health, marriage etc would not survive twins.

It's all very well him imagining matching outfits but it will be you dealing with a high risk pregnancy whilst managing 3 other children, you giving birth, you managing the majority of the childcare (I'm assuming of course, but it usually ends up this way), you putting your life on hold further (again, I'm making assumptions). And if the marriage doesn't survive... Then it's likely you would be the one left bringing up 5 kids.

Best wishes with whatever you decide.

Here's what your said - it was your attempt to define what a fetus is.

It's not a baby, but it's also not a potential baby in the early stages of development' either. It's a stage in human development from weeks 10-term of a pregnancy.

The change from embryo stage to fetal state is when all major organs are present, though they still need to finish and mature. The fetal stage is about growth and refinement, not organ creation.

So even at the early fetal stages, it's really not accurate to say that it's in the early stages of development.

"We will manage" usually means you will manage! Or expect you to come up with how to manage the situation. It's a hard decision good luck!

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant when I already had three children and had emotionally very much moved on from babies. I went ahead with the pregnancy, but every day prayed for a miscarriage. Fast forward 16 years and my youngest brings me so much joy, I wouldn’t be without him. I appreciate that this doesn’t in any way compare to twins and I am not trying to influence your decision, but if you do decide to go ahead, there might be a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck and make sure that you put yourself first as the burden will fall on you.

Would you be happy to be a single parent again, this time to 5 dcs? Could you afford that? Do you have the room in your house? Can you afford to buy and run a people carrier? Pay for two lots of childcare, etc.

I would tell people to always imagine the following scenarios when debating whether to go ahead with a pregnancy:
A) life as a single parent with no help.
B) life as a single parent, with an ex who wants 50/50 so they don't have to pay maintenance.

Yes I'm a cynic but odds are you won't stay together for the next 18 years.

Are you happy to risk the physical toll and the risks of a twin pregnancy?

I'd also say consider the high risks of a twin pregnancy when you already have 3 dcs. It's an awful thing to consider but I do/did know of a lovely lady who left behind twins and older children due to complications during labour.

Don't be swayed by him. Do what is right for you and your existing children.

Gosh OP I really feel for you, I can see why he’d be excited as you don’t have biological kids together, but it seems he is pretty much 100% dad to your 3 anyway, and he does have some from his teens so it’s not like he’s childless. If I were you I’d have an abortion then if I thought he’d be upset I’d say it was a miscarriage. No harm in a white lie to save his feelings. Then 100% get using contraception!!!

I have an acquaintance who was in a similar situation - blended family, 5 kids between them, then an accidental twin pregnancy. The twins are now 6, both are autistic with high level needs. The parents are broke, bewildered and utterly exhausted.

I completely agree

Doesn't it just.

OP would want to be out of her mind to go back to starting again with twins.

It really is ok to not want to take the risk.

And here we go again. Brand new user name, just two posts from the OP to get the thread rolling, a very divisive topic with loads of glaring unanswered questions and instant tumbleweed from the OP.

How very MN 2025.

People can have children with who they want. Why does it matter to you? So it's okay for men to give round having kids with all different people but not a woman?
At least in most cases the woman takes care of their kids not walks out and leaves then like the men do!
Your attitude is disgusting!

Always twins 😂😂😂

I don't think anyone thinks it's okay for men to do that either, to be fair. Just because plenty do, because some stupid women with low standards and low expectations of men continue to let them, doesn't make it okay.

Children are a serious decision and should ideally always be a joint commitment for the long haul.