Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

It shouldn't have been used 6 years ago, the official description has been 'advanced maternal age' for longer than that. Still not great 😂

Playing Devil's Advocate herr, but what if one or both of the twins have health conditions or disabilities?

I'd also want to be certain that I could handle the parenting as a single Mum without shared custody.

They're his biological kids. It makes a difference.

You've already got 3. He's got 1. You'd be even so to speak if you went through with it.

I can't advise OP but I really don't envy you. I hope you can make a decision that works for you both. He sounds like a good bloke.

Absolutely not OP.
However hard you imagine it will be, multiple it by 10.
So hard.
It's ok to be done.

Huh? Where do you get the idea that OP is 5.5 months pregnant? Termination wouldn't even be an option if she was that far along. OP's comment in her second post "Found out I was 22 weeks when I got the scan ..." was about the pregnancy of her third child with her ex partner, not the current twins pregnancy with her current partner.

To be fair I am the same age as her and have felt quite bombarded at times with stuff about how hard it is to get pregnant in your thirties, fertility falls of a cliff after the age of 35, how American fertility clinics advise women past the age of 35 to go straight to IVF immediately as the chances of natural pregnancy are so low, freeze your eggs in your twenties if you want to delay parenthood. It's easy to imagine that while pregnancy is still theoretically possible it would likely take a lot more trying.
In reality women are less fertile on average in their.thirties than their twenties but clearly still very capable statistically of getting pregnant even (or especially) when they don't want to.

@TeacupDoom twins are exhausting. We planned on 2 kids and the 2nd was twins. Both cars had to be changed and the impact on DS1s and our family life was huge. I remember standing at the side of DS1s football match and crying as I could hardly stand up as I was so exhausted.

He may be wanting this pregnancy but you need to think about how hands on he's going to be and the impact it will have on your other children.

Also, conception of twins in your late 30s is far more common!

For me, personally, twins would increase my decision to terminate, not decrease.

It’s hard if he is wavering, and your different decisions could expose fault lines in your relationship, but again I wouldn’t want a relationship that was dependent on my giving him children, I am not a brood mare. And nothing outside of strain on a relationship like the baby and toddler stage.

Wow, this is a massive decision to make. I think you should sit down with your DP and talk it all through thoroughly. Imagine if you went through with the pregnancy, what that would be like, for you, for your DP, for your kids etc. Then imagine if you had an abortion, what that would be like for you, for your DP. etc. Write stuff down if it helps. If no conclusion reached, then revisit after a day or two. Hopefully you will be able to come to the best decision together. Listen to your instincts carefully, but also listen to each other. There will probably be good and bad in each scenario. Hooray that we still have the right to choose to have an abortion in this country. Good luck.

What an utter bastard!

😡

I had twins. My husband was pretty useless, but at lest he stuck around and we only had two.

I am constantly amazed at just how shit men can be.

Oh OP, what a position to be in.

As previous posters have said, make sure your DH isn't looking at this through rose-tinted glasses.

Look at;

• finances, can you afford to take a cut & be on maternity leave.

- Childcare, if you go back to work after maternity, can you afford childcare

• logistics of getting twins to childcare, you both to work, other kids to school - is it doable?
• space, do you have space for twins in the house, as newborns and then as they grow & need space.

-car, need an upgrade?

Also the additional expenses of a double buggy, car seats, cots etc.

Additional expenses down the line, uniforms, school trips, camps, clothes ....

Also if you decide to go though with the pregnancy, make sure you are 100% with your decision. You don't want to be sat with 6 month old twins regretting your decision or blaming your DH for making you go through with it.

Also if you don't go ahead with pregnancy and your DH did want you to proceed, you may need to consider counselling so he can discuss his feelings & to keep everything healthy between you two. He may feel sadness & loss and so may you. Even if it is the best decision for you both.

Sending you support as it's a tough situation 💐

It's your body, your choice. But you're very naive to think you were done being fertile! No matter what you decide, be more careful in future as doctors will tell you they consider you fertile until you have no periods for 12 months when you're over 50

I’ve got twins.

It’s really, really, REALLY hard. I would think of your other children and not a man.

I have twins and for me I think as they get older they're easier than having two of different ages. But the first year was just brutal.

The statistics say twins are significantly harder than having children one at a time. Mothers are less likely to keep their careers, marriages are more likely to fail and families with twins are more likely to live in poverty.

Having twins isn't a sign that you should keep them OP. It's a sign that you're older and your body is releasing more than one egg at a time in the lead up to menopause. It's biology not destiny. Choose the life you want.

Well, you were lucky. Many don't know/understand that if they are under 50, they need to not have had a period for two whole calendar years before being sure they have reached menopause. The minute your periods go awry, you need to be more careful and not assume that's it. Instead, contraception should actually be used. Far too many women get caught out this way due to erratic periods and not knowing what the true that time frame actually is (particularly those under 50*).
*Over 50, it's only one whole year)

Anyway, OP, do what is best for you? You cannot rely on this man to see this through. Just read through here, so many men walk away despite wanting lots of children and promising their partners/the children's mothers they are 100% for it all.

A lot to think about @TeacupDoom
I would be asking dp,

Will he marry before birth to show commitment.
Will he take a year of paternity leave or become a sahp.
Does he realise you need a 7 person car.
Does he realise you need a bigger house.

and no, 'we'll manage', is not an answer.

I am a twin. It was non stop arguing and fighting Plus competing for parental attention. 2 olders too. I hated being dressed alike. Sharing everthing. Joint presents. I didn't find out what I liked for myself until my 20's.
My tdsis had b/g twins. Non stop arguing and fighting. They still don't get on.
Your dp needs to grasp that it is not all pretty pictures and twins reading each others minds and all those cute tricks identical twins can play or the attention they get from strangers.

@Givehiinc

what an insightful and helpful post.

I think you both need to sit down and discuss the practicality of having them. If it doesn’t work what can you do to make it work?

But I think either way you are in for a rough time. If you decide to terminate then your relationship is over, I don’t think a man who has raised your kids but then terminated his biological children will stick around.

Someone had a thread the other day about mean pretending not to know how babies are made and this post reads the same. If you are 100% done with having kids you need to be 100% using contraception unless you are 100% past menopause.

*men

This is a very peripheral point but loads of people are mentioning needing a bigger car. It was one of the reasons why my husband didn't want another baby.

As it happened, we had an accident in our 5 seater car, and our replacement is a 7 seater (not for baby reasons). Or budget was the same for a 5 seater or a 7 seater and it was fine.

There are many high costs included with twins (childcare!!) but car doesn't need to be one. You might just been to trade it for a slightly older model.

Yeah, think about this Op @TeacupDoom

Life is hard and drudge without any form of luxury

Yes, I think my mum occasionally found it all a bit too much. I'm an identical twin and remember my mum turning on a woman she overheard in the street saying "fancy dressing those twins alike" with the retort "it's what they want!". And she was right because sis and I just liked the same things - the biggest difference she could get us to agree to was same outfit/different colour (and that didn't happen very often). Most people were very nice though and we were often stopped in the street with mum (it could be a bit anxiety-inducing though when people were scrutinising us looking for differences). Even as adults we have the same taste and have arranged to meet and turned up wearing the same clothes more than once! 😂

How many weeks pregnant are you ? Are you married ?

Have you told family members ?

Do you have the space and income to raise two more ?
Does your partner assume that because it is twins that you are not having a termination?
Hope you are ok. What is your heart telling you ?

Don't let ANYONE convince you to gestate, birth and raise two children that you don't want.

Also, please start taking contraception more seriously- this is your second unplanned pregnancy in 5 years, and you could easily be fertile for another 10 years yet.