Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

I didn't say foetus until born, i said it was foetuses at the moment.

So when, in your opinion are they not foetuses?

I think you just want to disagree with me.

No, I'm honestly trying to work out your logic

@TeacupDoom here's a big hug.

I have 2 kids and that was enough for me. Twins are a lot of work and 5 kids with 3 under 5 will be stressful for you.

It's completely your decision. I appreciate your DH will be hurt if you decide on a termination, but he will come to terms with it. He find himself even more grateful to have his other children 🙏

Whatever your decision, sending you the best of the best xxx

Good luck OP.
Similar situation but twins, now 2, are honestly easier, especially with a helpful partner. And fun!

Your lives will totally change. Twins are hard work but on top of 4 other children you’ll have no capacity for anything else. That said I personally wouldn’t abort unless the child was unlikely to live. I just couldn’t ever forgive myself and I’d go insane. So if you’re like me life as you know it might be over anyway.

Exactly, periods all over the shop means peri menopause when you can still get pregnant, and your chances of conceiving twins are actually higher than before Peri. It's probably the time to be way more on the ball with contraception than not tbh.
If you are in menopause/post-menopause in your late 30s ie no period for 24 months your pregnancy days are done

I really don't know how it can be an accident this is the outcome of unprotected sex, regardless if it's your partner or not. Also having a termination is not a form of contraception but seems to be getting used as such.Also having 3 under 5 is extremely doable. At the end of the day you are a full grown adult and should have thought about the consequences of unprotected sex. I mean if you were truly done having kids why didn't he get the snip? Why didn't you use contraception.
An NO I'm and not against terminations, I'm against it being used as a contraceptive.
Coming from a mum of 3 kids 13yr old twins and 15yr old. A partner that has worked off shore since before we had kids. It most definitely can be done.

Life is too short for regrets. Any child is a wonderful blessing BUT it has to be right. You need to be confident as others have said previously that you have that support to help if you do go ahead and keep the pregnancy. Wishing you all the best with your decision x

My friend has 4 DC25-30 boy and 3 girls.
She said the jump from 2 to 3 DC was the hardest but 3 to 4 she barely noticed. She now has 6 DGC all under 4. Mix of boys and girls and she manages them all at once like a pro. I could barely manage 2 boys 😂

Not sure why you thought at late 30s you were past it. As long as you are having periods (and releasing eggs) you can fall pregnant. I’m still ovulating at 53 and my friend had kids when she was 44 & 47 respectively.

And that’s exactly why no country should ever legislate to give men a choice in whether the pregnancy goes ahead!

All the “I’ll take care of it”
stuff is bullshit.

Anyway, OP, YANBU. You shouldn’t be pressured to keep a pregnancy you don’t want.

Its your body and realistically you will be doing the lions share of the work. So you need to make an informed decision and the quicker the better. Think about (the pro;s and con's) of the practicalities, finances, work involved, impact on other children, impact on your health and wellbeing. Look into the risks of carrying twins at your age (I don't mean you are old, but I mean statistically different ages carry different risk factors for pregnancies and twins). Then make a decision. Then discuss with hub. Then act on it x

You were lax with contraception and now you’re in this situation. It’s no joke.

I know at least 5 ladies who were diagnosed with peri- menopause or menopause from 35 years old. Yes, it's definitely earlier these days for most of us. I'm 36 and already feel the signs of it.

That might not be a threat. My husband would have loved this.

Ask him about all the practicalities and what would his solution be to them.

I would love to have twins.

Are you sure it's not post natal depression?

OP doesn't have post natal depression because she isn't jumping for joy that the pregnancy she didn't want anyway happens to be twins.

OP is smart to be thinking of twins in practical terms when far too many people get caught up in the 'cute' stuff when in reality it can be and is often a different story.

Termination is a way of not having children you can't support or have no wish to give birth to once you are pregnant and do not want to be a parent.

Your approach is tantamount to saying 'it serves you right so as your punishment you must go through pregnancy and birth and raise a child you do not want'.

No child should be born into such an environment, no woman should be forced to go through childbearing as punishment or just desserts for making a mistake,

What a vile outlook.

Your body, your choice. Do what is right for YOU and the DC you already have. He could up and leave and you'll be left to raise them on your own. Again. Are you prepared for that? If you want to terminate, do it. It's 100% your choice.

I was in your situation 7 years ago. I went from 3 to 5 and my youngest was 18 months when the twins were born. New house. New car. I cried a LOT and was in total shock. Contraceptive failure.
looking back it was hard work but we survived and I wouldn’t change my decision. I considered my options and when I went for an early scan and it was twins my made was made up to have them. It didn’t stop me crying and being upset at the situation ahead but I pulled myself together emotionally and prepared and planned the best I could.

You both need to have a chat about the future and only you two can decide what’s best for your family.
I just wanted to let you know that yes it’s hard work but it is doable and life changing but so rewarding. All the best with whatever decision you make x

“Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me”

This is all that matters. You shouldn’t feel any pressure to go ahead unless it’s something you really want.

This is hard for you all ways round, terminations are not easy emotionally either. I wish you all the best whatever you decide and at the end of the day it has to be your decision.

Go with your instinct, it's ok anyone saying to face them because you'll manage but the reality is that new mothers are vulnerable to post natal depression especially if sure that it's too much to take on and if it kicks in severely, that's 5 kids including 2 newborns that dad might find himself having to manage alone.

People seem to think twins are a blessing but the reality is far different.

i have twins. For the first 6 months everyone wanted to visit the babies then they disappeared. I found the first 18 months the easiest and it’s all been downhill from there. They’re now 6 and life can be unbearable. Both have behavioural issues and OH and I are constantly at breaking point.