Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

Oh hell no, I couldn't.

What a dilemma but there is no way I would be comfortable continuing with this pregnancy unless you have loads of savings and family support.

@BangersAndGnash "For me, personally, twins would increase my decision to terminate, not decrease." I agree. OP's DP was supportive of her inclination to terminate this pregnancy on the basis that she couldn't cope with one more baby, so how is proceeding because there are two even logical? I don't see the reasoning behind this change of heart - it makes no sense to me at all.

No they're not children yet, they will become children if the pregnancy continues, at the moment they're foetuses.

Op do what's best for you. Do you think he'd be acting like this if it wasn't twins? He's definitely looking through rose tinted glasses. Ask him if he'd be a stay at home dad.

Twins are more likely to be prem and with early birth and small size comes the risk of SEN. Could you and he cope with that with all your existing children

No judgment, just curious- why did you go for the scan if you were terminating? Was that not always going to increase the risk of not going through with the abortion?

I think she meant she'd decided 3 was where she would stop. I don't think she meant she thought she was past being able to conceive. I have a friend who has used the phrase "one and done" in relation to her one child. She definitely doesn't think she's past ovulating!!

Oops I was supposed to be replying to someone!

And it's 24 months if aged under 50

OP when you say it's not his first rodeo, was he actually raising his first child? Or did the mam do it with him taking him for visits?

Twins become more likely as you get older but as do children with special needs unfortunately.

I'm speaking as the mum of a largely non verbal autistic 7 year old. He is lovely and sweet but I will be caring for him for the rest of my life. Special needs x 2 on top of 3 existing children would be extremely difficult to cope.

I don't envy you the decision though OP because if you could know that they were healthy I would feel different.

I think she did mean she didn’t think she could conceive any more.

I think she meant done having kids ie 3 is enough, no intention to have more, not that she thought she was beyond it being a possibility. I have a friend who uses the phrase "one and done" in relation to her one child.

I think you’re wrong!

I agree and the OP says this in paragraph 3 I think.

It probably was a mistake seeing a scan. Now they’ve become real.

Will your relationship survive if one of you “loses”?

What is a foetus?

She was done mentally, but also says she was lax with contraception because she thought she was past it with her periods all over the place

A potential baby in the early stages of development.

Not the same thing as an actual born baby or child.

Fathers always seem to love the idea of twins but as a mother of twins, I can tell you it’s bloody hard work. Way more work that 2 single babies. Sure they’re adorable but I don’t think I slept for more than an hour at a time for over a year

Who forced you into it? I thought they hsve to make sure its what you want?
How could they force you into it?

Also I have twins OP and 3 other children and it is so hard and I think the previous poster was right who said he probably just wants twins to brag and boost his ego about his sperm. Mine is the same and I do most of the looking after of the kids and he has no patience with them.

A foetus is just a stage of human development. Do people have foetus showers? Why when it suits do people say it's a foetus, but at other times like baby showers, it's a baby.

I truly can never understand why grown adults who don’t want children suddenly become “lax” with contraception….

Just because people say baby, it doesn't mean that is correct. Otherwise why do the terms embryo and foetus exist? People use baby as a term of endearment, foetus is usually more accurate but then so is sex and it is called a gender reveal party, not a sex reveal party.

You can't abort a baby but you can abort a foetus.

My oh because he didn’t want it and threatened to take my baby away if I kept it. The original pill didn’t work I bled but apparently not enough I wanted to keep it but the hospital said no as they couldn’t take that risk. It was horrific.

That's my problem though. If it's used as a term of endearment then it's being misused. If people want to abort, they will call it a foetus, but if they have a miscarriage of a much longed for baby, the will say they lost their baby. I think it's wrong how it's used depending on the circumstances