Adult children didn’t come down to meet their cousins baby

[AdEmRoJaAn]

Hi all, I have 5 children, DS are 25 and 22, DDs are 24, 19 and 17.

This weekend all 5 of them are staying at home as Friday night was my husbands birthday party.

Today my niece brought her 5 day old baby girl to come and meet us. My youngest 3 came downstairs and chatted, held baby etc. but my eldest 2 didn’t. DD is going through a break up and claims she was too tired as she didn’t really sleep last night and she doesn’t really like holding babies. DS said he just doesn’t get the hype but apologised. They were here for 3 hours so hardly like they didn’t have plenty of time to pop in.

AIBU to be absolutely raging that they were so bloody rude?

If they’re guests with you, I’d be a bit shocked they couldn’t stagger down in Pjs for a few minutes to see their cousin, never mind a brand new baby.

i doubt they see their cousin much, if they’ve moved out, so it was pretty rude of them .

id read riot act…my house..you will be gracious and kind to visiting family . Even if for a few minutes. Ok, coming down to meet random friends of yours that have known them for years..nah…but family yep.

Your daughter is going through a lot and she needs to be excused.
Maybe there is some backstory and they are not on speaking terms with the cousin.
Maybe the beds at your house are not comfortable and they didn’t sleep well last night.
Maybe they were up all night talking either each other.

It's fine to not want to hold the baby or not even be especially fussed by it's existence.

But if your family have guests that you know well, you should come down just for a few minutes to say hello and a quick chat. Then apologise and make your excuses to go back upstairs or out or whatever.

So they were rude to just fully hide away.

I think they were a bit rude but I wouldn't be raging over it. I wouldn't have been particularly interested in babies at that age either (or any age really) but would have said hello and congratulations.

Quite a drip feed about your DD though. Perhaps she is struggling more than you think.

It's basic good manners to at least greet guests in the house. No need to stay beyond a couple of sentences but saying hello is a basic courtesy.
OP is absolutely right to be disappointed and annoyed at their lack of this basic courtesy.

Just wondering if you are normally quite controlling and demanding, because it is a massive overreaction to say you are raging because two people just chose to not be in the presence of someone they are not interested in and had no say in inviting.

Aren't they allowed boundaries in their home? People are allowed to have nothing at all to do with other people - even family - for any reason at all. I wonder why it matters so much to you to overrule their wishes in order to facilitate yours.

I think the fact that the eldest 3 of children don't live at home, and your eldest daughter and son decided to stay in their childhood bedrooms, rather than come downstairs is poor behaviour. Yes, it's their childhood home, and they still have their bedrooms. They're not little children, or young teenagers, though, so I'd be expecting them to behave like adults. Being an adult means coming downstairs to say hello at the very least. I understand that not everyone likes or is interested in babies. Your son at least was honest, your daughter made excuses. I'd be annoyed, as it was rude of them not to come and say hello, and I'd tell them that too. My cousin used to do the same, when we visited my Uncle - travelled 250 miles to see my Dad's side of the family, usually only once a year, and he couldn't be arsed to even come downstairs and say hello - it's not as if he didn't know us either, he visited us a lot over his childhood! It's rude.

My DS (28) doesn't much care for babies but if his cousin was visiting with a new baby he would make sure he came to visit out of politeness because that is how he's been brought up.
Your older DCs were rude not to come down from their rooms when there was a visitor who I'm sure would have loved to see them. Not liking babies is no excuse. Neither is being tired. They only needed to pop down for 10 minutes and be polite.

Did they leave their 'not really their rooms any more' at all?

Being an adult doesn't mean that, I'm afraid. It does mean you get a choice in who you want to hang out with though. I mean, OP can chuck them out or whatever she likes in her own home - but it's very odd behaviour to be "raging" just because someone chose not to be in someone else's presence for a couple of hours. Huge overrreaction.

Tbh I just think it’s really rude.
I appreciate DD is sad over her break up and I know she was up crying most of the night etc. and I am happy to sit and hold her if that’s what she needs. But I think part of being an adult is knowing sometimes you have to push your own emotions down and be polite, even if your heart is breaking, even if your ex is messaging you about some new girl he’s going on a date with just to be mean.
She also doesn’t help herself and won’t block her ex so my patience is running thin.

Actually, those are both good reasons for not hanging out with someone you have no interest in and had no say in inviting.

Literally nothing more tiresome than babies. If I was there for a specific purpose (dad’s birthday party) then I’d feel zero obligation to or pretend to be interested in someone else’s child for three hours.

You dont think this has any bearing on it?

Oh my, why is this even a thread!

It would likely be overwhelming having 6 adults there, fawning over a baby. Three of your kids came down to greet the baby, surely that is enough.

This would not bother me, certainly not enought to make a mumsnet thread! quiet day?

Regardless of what may or may not be going on in their lives, they should have got washed and dressed and come downstairs with smiles on their faces, greeted their cousin and congratulated her and told her what a lovely baby she had. You know, exercised basic good manners and social behaviour - aka life skills.

They didn't need to stay for more than 30 minutes if their cousin was unexpected. If she was expected, possibly longer and op should have set expectations in advance.

If the cousin wasn't expected, then imo three hours was too long to stay.

Not the point of the thread but I'm surprised at five days post partum the cousin wanted to be out visiting and for the baby to be meeting so many new people whilst so newborn.

They were rude not even to come and say hello to the guests.

i don't, however, think they were obliged to hold the baby. People with little experience with babies may be nervous about holding a seemingly fragile near-newborn; and it's not as if the baby would care.

Shameful behaviour IMO. Even if they’re not remotely interested in babies, or were nursing a stinking hangover, just a few minutes for the sake of being nice, wouldn’t have killed them.

I’d have been bitterly disappointed in mine if they’d behaved like this.

@Boddica2000 Maybe in your own house but not when you're staying in someone else's house. Quite rude to please yourself when you're a guest.

@AdEmRoJaAn

"part of being an adult is knowing sometimes you have to push your own emotions down and be polite"

I disagree, wholeheartedly.

I disagree, I don't think it's rude. It's also just not a big deal.

And no, she definitely does not have to push her emotions down if her heart is breaking to hang out in a room with a relative. Not at all. She might have to do that to maybe attend a funeral or go to an emergency appointment, but to hang out with a relative and a baby? No.

I think you are at the heart of it when you say your patience is wearing thin. Maybe just let her manage her own life and ask her not to share her heartache with you anymore if you are becoming angry with her. Once we stop trying to control how other people behave, feel or think it is a much easier life.

I think the reality might also be that your niece was angered because they weren't interested in cooing over her baby - or you think or assume that's how she felt - and you chose to take that on and feel embarrassed by it.

Anyway, if you make a fuss about this I think it will bite you on the arse, but it's up to you of course.

I would be furious too. Whether or not they are interested in the baby is irrelevant, they should have come down to at least say hello to the guests. They wouldn’t have gotten away with it in my house, I would have been up there demanding that they display the manners I raised them to have.

At risk of sounding like James Kennedy shouting about pasta (iykyk), it’s not about the baby, imo. It’s about being rude buggers not even coming down to stick their head round the door to say hello to other guests in your home. Very rude behaviour and unacceptable from grown adults.

I'm actually really surprised by some of these responses - it takes five minutes to come down, say hello, make some small talk and make your excuses.

Just hiding away in your room is embarrassing behaviour.