Adult children didn’t come down to meet their cousins baby

[AdEmRoJaAn]

Hi all, I have 5 children, DS are 25 and 22, DDs are 24, 19 and 17.

This weekend all 5 of them are staying at home as Friday night was my husbands birthday party.

Today my niece brought her 5 day old baby girl to come and meet us. My youngest 3 came downstairs and chatted, held baby etc. but my eldest 2 didn’t. DD is going through a break up and claims she was too tired as she didn’t really sleep last night and she doesn’t really like holding babies. DS said he just doesn’t get the hype but apologised. They were here for 3 hours so hardly like they didn’t have plenty of time to pop in.

AIBU to be absolutely raging that they were so bloody rude?

Perhaps both she and Keir should have stayed in number 11, her sobbing and him “supporting her” for three hours, instead of coming to PMQs?

But they don’t live there. Anyone who doesn’t live in your house is a guest or visitor. It’s not their home.

I was being sarcastic. You can’t have things both ways if a breakup isn’t important because it happens all the time, then neither is having a baby, and it doesn’t seem like OPs kids are even close to the cousin, so it’s not like they’d be particularly bothered by this particular baby.

Ds clearly used his sister’s situation to get out of saying hello to the cousin.

Anyway, the daughter may have felt better by going down and saying hello and being distracted. It may not have been as traumatic as others are suggesting.

I do believe there is a balance between suppressing emotions and developing resilience. And as a nation we are going the wrong way. I am v close to my uni age kids. But they also know how to behave in social situations.

Anyway, I can’t imagine being stuck up in the bedrooms was much fun for the dd and ds here. Bet they regretted their decision to hide away.

Nope. My kids are my kids. They will never ever be ‘guests’ in my eyes, regardless of where they live.

He was in his own room! Nowhere did OP say he was looking after his sister, just that he didn’t think cousin’s new baby was a big deal.

If you live with and among others, wherever you are there will always be times when you might just have to keep a lid on it for a while. A well-regulated person should be able to do that. It’s not akin to being forced to squash those emotions forever.

Ok so don’t view them as guests but that also doesn’t mean you get to expect them to act and behave how you wanted them to at 12 and 14 years old as they are now adults with their own feelings.

Yes, she did. She said he was sitting with her.

@Buxusmortus You're a strange person.

🤣🤣🤣🤣
I've been called worse!

But she didn’t have to. Her mother wanted to, for her feelings to make her feel good.

It wasn’t frankly important.

But in your family home is not such a place. You should be able to freely express your emotions there, not worry that it might upset your mother because it’s “rude.”

I agree that your kids aren’t guests, but at the same time this house is no longer their home. Their parents had a guest, their cousin, and it’s basic manners to come and say hello to your parents’ guest when you’re stopping at their home.

How embarrassing for you and your colleagues.

You said that adults should be allowed to express emotions and I gave examples of expressing emotions, violence being an emotion.

As you seemingly don't agree that punching someone who annoys you is acceptable, it would therefore appear that you do indeed agree that emotions should be suppressed in some circumstances.

It’s embarrassing to be embarrassed by a show of emotion. We aren’t living in the dark ages.

Well that’s what I have said all along. My adult kids would have said hello. Because that’s the right thing to do. I would not have been impressed if they refused.

Adult children occupy a weird limbo between guests and residents in my view. They can shift towards one category or the other depending on the situation/what's convenient.

Yes I am sure you have got the dictionary definitions correct. But I will never think of my kids as guests or visitors. I am pretty sure my Asian extended family feel the same about their kids.

Well, yes. To you, but not to many.

I'd know better than to double book my son. He has all the brutality and no filter of a typical teen with the added spice of ASD.

He would definitely see it as a punishment to push a virtual stranger with a baby on him 😂

I would hope that I brought them up to behave properly in social situations. I can’t force them to do anything as adults. But they have their own moral compass and ideas of social norms, which I would hope they would use for good.

So now it’s immoral to not say hello to a cousin because you’re upstairs in distress? Really?

My point was a general one about how your adult kids behave and what you can expect of them. No it’s not immoral to ignore guests. Just a bit rude.

Agree 100% with this. A “hello” “hi” “hey” 😊 to everyone, but interest in a baby, absolutely not. Doesn’t matter what age you are, babies bore the tits off some people, girls or boys, men or unbelievably, some women.

Rudeness surely depends on the circumstances. If something more pressing is going on, then it’s fine to ignore social mores, and obviously the daughter was very distressed, whether you think she should be or not.

So… DD had an abortion last year and you’re angry she doesn’t feel up to cooing over a baby… eeeeeessshhhh! That’s pretty cold I’ve got to say. Pregnancy loss of any kind has long lasting effects and triggers and that’s still pretty early, especially also now breaking up with the guy I assume was the father. That’s a lot for anyone to unpack.

Adult DC’s don’t have to do a thing they don’t want to, whether you like it or not. If you kick up a fuss over a non-event (cousins and babies really aren’t a big deal to a lot of people even if they were to your own family…) then you will find more and more they just won’t stay with you for family events, and as they start their own families not even attending those events at all.
But it’s your family, you run it how you see fit as long as you are prepared for the consequences.

The thing you have to remember is once all the shared GPs funerals are out the way (and MAYBE an aunt/uncle or two) I’m sorry to say cousins rarely have anything to do with each other these days, and the ones who do are the kind who are genuine friends who have each others numbers and contact each other directly about things like visiting each others babies. Why are you trying to force something that just isn’t there. If this leaves you “raging” then don’t have any of the moved out children back to stay anymore. That would be harsh but then if you can’t get your head around the fact you can’t control people but you can control the people you let into your house then it might be the only way to keep your relationships with your children on positive terms.