Annoyed with mum bringing sibling to playdates

[Isitreallysohard]

My DC is almost 4 and has made a new friend so we have arranged a few playdates. Its starting to annoy me as the mum is bringing the older sibling, and not letting me know beforehand. The whole point of playdates to me is for the kids to bond 1:1, not to mention her DC is very shy so the sibling dominates. AIBU to say the sibling shouldn't always tag along. None of the other parents do this on playdates.

Just bear in mind you don’t know their situation . I have two and when little I always had to take both with me , I have a husband - in the week he was working away and at the weekend renovating our home . I couldn’t leave one with him- it wasn’t safe

It doesn’t work for you so you will need to organise a play date with a different child .

Is that a serious question?
Single mum, no family, no real friends she trusts. No money for baby sitters ( even if you’d pay money so that your other child can go on a play date). No father around.
What are her options?
I don’t think anyone should bring her other kids along to anything they’ve not be invited to without asking. But if the mum contacted me to explain she was stuck and I wanted my child to spend time with their friend then I’d happily say yes.
It won’t be forever either. Soon be old enough to be left.

@Smartiepants79 the OP has already explained that this isn't a single mother, and the father stays behind at home when these playdates happen.

@Isitreallysohard theres absolutely no way I’d be dropping my three year old off at a play date unless it was with someone I knew very, very well…

Maybe the other mum feels the same.. and such, unless she can find alternative arrangements for the older sibling, means they will be tagging along.

But she has no idea what he is doing in that time or what their arrangement is at weekends regarding looking after the children.

You sound very judgmental of them, best thing is to stop having play dates with them and find and find someone who fits your expectations.

@Moonstars yes, but it's not the OP's job to find out. Maybe he has to freelance on the weekend, maybe he's a chauvinist who goes cycling all weekend, maybe the mother refuses to spend any time separated from either kid.

None of it is the OP's problem though, and even if there's a valid reason, it doesn't make the OP any more obligated to host the 7 year old if it doesn't work for her or her child

You sound very uptight. All this "fostering a 1:1 relationship" and speculating that the personality of the younger child is a result of "having zero independence" from the older sibling (which presumably is a crock of shit because the older child will be at school 30+ hours a week).

It's just not that deep. If you don't want the older sibling there, you need to say so. The other mum probably just assumes that you are expecting her to stay because a 3yo is extremely young to be dropped off at someone's house alone for a play date. That would not be normal in my circles. My friends and parents I know from school /nursery would fully expect a sibling to come along in the circumstances you're describing. There's no way that I would be asking a grandparent to provide childcare for one sibling so another could have a playdate. And my husband and I wouldn't take a child each either, because we're either both out with all the kids as a family or one of us is with the kids so that the other one can work/do DIY/clean the house etc. It would have to be a fairly special circumstance for us to waste that opportunity to be productive, definitely not a playdate.

It sounds like you're not compatible families. I'd just let the other mum know your position and I imagine she'll take the problem out of your hands.

I would just send a polite message along the lines of:

It was so good to see you all today. DD loves seeing X. Perhaps next time we could give them some 1-2-1 time to play games togther as X year olds. I felt sorry for X as her big sister Y got more attention with DD than X. What are they like?! Happy to have X here by herself if childcare for Y is an issue'.

I promise you I assume siblings are coming when we arrange play dates. I’m shocked OP is upset by it but I’m assuming she has one child only so doesn’t really get it.

My response would be I’m not comfortable leaving my 3yr old alone at anyone’s home without me there and so I will have to politely decline any further invites but thank you.

Buy she could do something with the 7yo? All the other parents manage?

You mean go off and do something with the 7 yo? And leave the 4 yr old?

Or do you mean get someone to look after the 7 year old? That's not something I could have easily done except in an emergency.

Oh sorry you’ve not got someone to look after dominant older sibling. Would you like to drop shy child off here and go do something with DOS? Or shall we do next week instead?

One of their friends has 3 other siblings!

The oldest sibling might be capable of being left with the other two for a short time.

That's not friendship.

It's disgusting that you are being so openly brazen about the fact you are using a child. I hope the other mother dumps you and this nastiness sooner rather than later.

No but she hasn't told them no, if they are meeting in public places she can't police who goes and she hasn't said that her child is upset by the older child. If they were hurting or being unkind then fair enough, but actually they might be encouraging play ideas between the younger ones, especially as their sibling is shy.

As suggested the OP needs to make it clear the playdate is only for the youngest and be willing to accept that the playdates might not happen if they can't attend.

I think 4 is too young to be left alone for a playdate.

Who would leave a 3 or 4 yr old at some ransoms house?! Not me.

yabu

@Moonnstars , the bar for an enjoyable playdate isn't simply not being decked by an older child. Having a child that much older there changes the dynamic, and is likely to make it far less enjoyable for the OP's DC.
Presumably, there are other things the OP's DC could be doing, and enjoying more, than being told what to do by this kid's sibling, so she'd probably prefer that this other woman backed out if there's no way not to bring the seven year old.

This is the age gap between my children and our eldest always played with his younger siblings

Of course they do. Cousins, brothers, sisters, siblings of friends, all play together, the older ones teaching the little ones new games. It helps children develop. All this talk of weirdness is weird.

If your child is happy and content, then why do you care?

Exactly, you want your child to be friends with mine, then we are welcoming you into our family, all of us. If you dont like one of my children then you can bugger off as we come as a family!!

Wait til they get to primary school and end up playing with the older children!

If you had two children would you want one of them missing out on an activity? Theyre close enough in age to enjoy the same things, I often take both of mine (3 & 7) … if and when you have another one you’ll no doubt be dragging a little one to play dates 😂
YABVU

That's not the point though. They other one wasn't invited. You can't just bring your extra children to things they aren't invited to because you don't want them to miss out.

This is about the mother quite possibly not having childcare for the oldest and not wanting to drop and run with the youngest.