Annoyed with mum bringing sibling to playdates

[Isitreallysohard]

My DC is almost 4 and has made a new friend so we have arranged a few playdates. Its starting to annoy me as the mum is bringing the older sibling, and not letting me know beforehand. The whole point of playdates to me is for the kids to bond 1:1, not to mention her DC is very shy so the sibling dominates. AIBU to say the sibling shouldn't always tag along. None of the other parents do this on playdates.

I would suggest, next time, that she drops Younger off and comes back for him an hour later, with the additional suggestion that if in an hour the two little ones are playing happily, he can stay longer. That way she isn’t expecting to stay and can go off with Elder and do something else for an hour.

By 7 it's hard to find playdates at the weekend.
They are taken up with sports and family commitments.
I don't think I ever did a playdate at the weekend with either of mine, unless it was a party. Playdates were after school.

Yeah I think I will do this, no one else does this, everyone else seems to manage it

It doesn't sound like you are very understanding. As this is a new friend you may not be aware of their situation. Maybe partner works weekends or does shifts and is sleeping so she needs to occupy both children.
Are the playdates at your home?

This is the problem her younger one is very shy, even at the park they don't readily go off and play

This changes everything. You set a precedent by saying yes the first time and she’s taken that to mean you’re happy for the sibling to tag along in general. No way of correcting that assumption without offending really, so either accept it is what it is or don’t invite them anymore.

Have you said anything to her? If you haven’t and it’s happening every time, she’s going to assume you’re fine with it I think. I would.

You sound so judgemental, so what if her child is quiet. Stop inviting them

But surely if someone springs it on you last minute you can hardly say no?

It can be tricky logistically to arrange play dates for both kids at the same time - drop child 1 at friends, then take child 2 to another location for their play date, then travel back to collect child 1 then child 2! TBH this is why I don’t tend to do many play dates - it’s just such a schlep. If it’s a casual park hang where I can bring both, fine, otherwise it only works on a weekend when DH isn’t working. Have you tried talking to her about it and offering the option to drop and run?

Of course you can if you’re not happy with it, which clearly you’re not.

This is the issue so even at a park the older one will join, so the whole point of a 1:1 playdate is pointless

That may be nothing to do with their sibling though! Children have different personalities! I have one quieter child (who is actually the eldest) and the younger is much more confident and louder.

Your suggestion of finding the elder child a playdate is also difficult. Weekends many families are busy - seeing family, taking part in clubs, days out. To try and coordinate it to suit your playdate isn't going to always be practical. Also if the venues are in different directions that will also not work.

You have one child and to you they are your world, you do not understand having to split your time and manage two children with differing needs.

No. Playdates aren't primarily childcare and it's rare for them to coincide. You're being very unreasonable.

I think 'play dates' for 3 year olds are usually more because the mums are trying to get to know each other and the kids are just buggering about together for a bit.

Personally this is how it would be for me until they are 5/6 because i wouldn't be dropping a child off and leaving them until they are that age. And then only with a family i trust because i've known them for a while or are a friend of a friend or something.

For that reason i don't think it matters if the mum has bought along a sibling.

Once they get to play dates at 6/7/8/9 then no i wouldn't expect siblings to turn up but then i wouldn't be expecting the mum to come in either.

I would agree, except that none of my DCs other friends do this. One of their friends has 3 other siblings!

You don’t seem to understand that not everyone is in the same situation…

Maybe her husband is busy at the time you suggest? Your suggestion that she coordinates two separate play dates at the same time for each child is frankly laughable.

You could just say - “my child would love some 1-1 time with their friend, if you prefer to drop your younger child off with me for a few hours I’d be happy? I know you have to juggle 2 so it’s tricky”

Thanks, this is a nice way to say it. Thank you 😊

I think yabu on several counts.

It sounds to me like you are trying to use the younger child to facilitate something for your child (rather than it being a lovely relationship for all of the children).

Yabu. You don't get to dictate whether she organises childcare for her other children and whether she's a single mum or not, you don't know her full circumstances. If it bothers you just stop arranging these playdates with her, they are not compulsory. My kids have gone to others houses to play but I wouldn't attend a playdate where I had to stay unless I was friends with the mum. My kids are too old for this type of set up now but with multiple kids I didn't always have a lot of free time or childcare to hand if my husband was working. Sometimes they would attend a friend's birthday party with a grandparent as that was the better option to dropping all my other kids off to facilitate it.

I've never looked at play dates as 1:1 bonding time. I don't understand why this bothers you so much. Maybe the child would rather have their sibling there. Maybe there is no alternative childcare. Maybe the parent is worried about the child being left alone with you. I think you need to relax a bit, playdates are supposed to be fun but you seem so uptight around it and you haven't given any explanation as to how it negatively impacts your DC having a sibling come along.

Well yeah because it's about fostering the relationship between the two friends, hence the 1:1. It's not about "all of the children"

Have you asked her why she brings the sibling and to please not bring them anymore?

She probably doesn’t have any other option. I wouldn’t bring my eldest along if I had other options, but on occasion I have had to bring her.

I mean this kindly, but you don’t understand it because you only have 1 child.

Offer to have the youngest over without her Mum, but appreciate she’s likely to say no if her child is really shy.

But might have a completely different home life! Perhaps the other parent is around at weekends? Perhaps the grandparents take them out for the day? You don't mention if this parent drops and runs as maybe her youngest is used to being left/having to slot in being part of a larger family so more confident.