Annoyed with mum bringing sibling to playdates

[Isitreallysohard]

My DC is almost 4 and has made a new friend so we have arranged a few playdates. Its starting to annoy me as the mum is bringing the older sibling, and not letting me know beforehand. The whole point of playdates to me is for the kids to bond 1:1, not to mention her DC is very shy so the sibling dominates. AIBU to say the sibling shouldn't always tag along. None of the other parents do this on playdates.

I think most people would have a shed of empathy if the OP hadn’t been so rude and defensive and assume the other mums ability to get childcare for her other child.

the kids are only 3/4 so pretty young to be dropped off for a play date with a ‘stranger’. OP has already said the child is shy and as much as a 7 year old can change the dynamics somewhat maybe it is a comfort for the child whilst they are still so young to have their sibling!

there are so many variables that it’s the OPs attitude that is telling us this relationship is doomed!

if we havnt had the whole story and OPs child doesn’t like the sibling or the sibling isn’t nice to them, this is a whole other story.

These are three year olds and, kindly, OP, it's just a playdate.

People aren't going to organise childcare for a 3yo's playdate unless it suits them. If it doesn't suit you to hang out with this family, best thing is to find other families to hang out with where the dynamic works better for you, maybe ones where there are no older siblings?

If it is important to you that your child plays with THIS child, then you're just going to have to tolerate the sibling because it suits their family dynamic to have the mum take both children out at once at the weekend (for whatever reason, dad working, dad lazy, parents split the weekend to give each one time "off"). You can't really expect people to change their weekend plans in a way that inconveniences them for a playdate.

I do get you - 7yos can be very annoying! If your child isn't at school yet, they're huge by comparison and yet they're often still boisterous, have few social graces and aren't very sensible.

I have a toddler and a 7yo. We don't do many playdates with the toddler's friends, partly because 7yos are a bit of a shock if your experience of children is limited to tinies. Instead, most of our playdates are with the 7yo's friend's families, where there tend to be a range of children of different ages. Either I drop the 7yo and run or, if I know the parents well enough that they're happy for us to stay, the toddler tags along and hangs out with the "big" crew.

We'd organise childcare for a child's party, if at all possible, but not for a playdate.

This. It’s very different when you have 2.

The key difference being that this 'friend' is presumably a functioning adult who can be left in their home alone. A seven-year-old can't.

Why do you need to stay and chat though? It's about the children , surely?

Tbh I thought I had covered most of that. These usually take place in the weekend when the father is home. Also all of the other parents don't bring siblings hence the whole AIBU thing

The mums aren’t ’tagging Along’ they are supervising their your pre-schooler especially at a weekend play date or party.

they are still very young and friendships will change.

however I have found the best friendships my children have had are the ones where all the parents (mostly mums) (and siblings to an extent) get along, as it has meant that we do days out together in school holidays and have relied on each other for the odd drop off childcare issue.

They are 3, OP 3. They change their friends every 5 minutes and don’t need to bond in special 1:1 time. Honestly I think you need to look at yourself. If you’re like this with a 3 year old, a baby, then how will you navigate the school and teenage friendship dramas

Plan play dates for when the older child is at school if this concerns you. I have never come across a friend who has brought just the child who is that age tbh. Easier as the children get older but the eldest is only 7 they are a family this is generally how it works.

It’s actually made me laugh that you are grumpy about parents bringing siblings to the park.

Imagine living like that.

The point was about the dynamic, so this was used as an example. Nevermind I give up 🥴

Would it be a good suggestion to say …..’Now that our two little ones are used to playing with each other at my house, would you be comfortable to drop your little one off for an hour or two to see how that works out for them both ?’

You are thinking waaay too much about this OP. At age 3 they really don't care who they play with as long as they have fun. I'd probably leave it for now & wait until they're in Yr 1 & then start doing after school tea type play dates when there's no need to worry about siblings.

This.

Your post is insane OP.

You need to relax. You don’t need to foster their little relationships at this age. How ridiculous. Just let your child mix and play with different children. That’s ALL. You shouldn’t be putting any pressure on it!

The thing is... there isn't just some left luggage facility where you can leave your kids when they're inconvenient.

It's not that people necessarily can't organise childcare, but more about what's a priority. Playdates are competing against a whole host of other time commitments and tasks where it's either inconvenient or impossible to have kids there - opticians' appointments, getting the car serviced, going to the gym or for a run or just having a quiet lie-in. Things like that.

The way it often goes in families is Parent 1 says to Parent 2 "I'll take the kids out this morning while you do X" and then Parent 2 has the kids in the afternoon while Parent 1 has some kid-free time doing stuff. Splitting the kids equals no childfree time.

So a playdate with the OP's child might be the way Parent 1 chooses to occupy her kids that morning. But if that's not available for both kids, Parent 1 would choose another option like the park or playground or soft play. For both kids, rather than leaving one at home.

FGS children of THREE don’t give a crap or even notice DYNAMICS. Just let them PLAY.

But surely a 7 year old plays independently at home and doesn't need constant supervision? I would totally understand if the sibling was 2.

I’m not sure why your answers are so flippant to everyone. You have said at weekends but you don’t know their household set up, that’s why I said there could be so many variables.

there could be lots of reasons why the mum has the sibling and can’t get childcare whilst she supervises a play date at your house despite DH being home - the amount of crap DHs we have seen on MN proves this).

The options are -
you can’t dictate that she finds child care, so you can talk to the mum about just doing something with the 3/4 year olds or not invite her anymore.

but remember the small nugget of joy you could take out of this is that your child will know the other child’s sibling quite well so when your child goes to their house (where the sibling will obvs be) then that will be a much nicer time for your child,

Do you have a seven year old? What do you think they can do alone for hours on end?

A lot of the "you just wait until you have a second" comments are missing the point that two is not mandatory, and a lot of people stay one and done by choice.

I have a DS of a similar age, and this wouldn't work for me either. One of the many reasons I have opted to stay one and done, is that I like that I can do age appropriate activities with my son and he doesn't have to constantly compromise for a sibling.

While I would appreciate the other parent's lack of options, I wouldn't want my DS being bossed around by someone else's elder sibling for an hour, as that's not fun for him. It's not the OP's job to accommodate and entertain the older sibling if it makes for an underwhelming playdate for her son.

Read? Draw? Colour? Craft? Play with toys?

OP, you’d be surprised at how many women end up co-parenting with someone fairly useless. My DC’s friend’s mum does this. I don’t judge because I know why - their father is useless and essentially refuses to have either child alone. But it does change the dynamic, especially as friend’s sibling tends to be peeved that they don’t have a special friend there as well and ends up causing problems with the little ones playing.

If the friendship is important to your child, I think you just have to roll with it. If it’s a major problem, you could suggest meeting in a neutral location such as the park or soft play “and maybe one of Bill or Bella’s friends might like to meet us there as well?”

Not everyone has the benefit of others to look after their kids. Even if there’s a dad around he may already have other commitments and so YABU.

When they are older they may be happier to be dropped off but at 4 not many would be and neither would all parents.

Im afraid just because you or other mums are able to arrive with the one child invited is irrelevant. We are not all the same

That’s fine. You and your kid are missing out though. Not them.

Whatever would give you that impression? 🤣🤣