Annoyed with mum bringing sibling to playdates

[Isitreallysohard]

My DC is almost 4 and has made a new friend so we have arranged a few playdates. Its starting to annoy me as the mum is bringing the older sibling, and not letting me know beforehand. The whole point of playdates to me is for the kids to bond 1:1, not to mention her DC is very shy so the sibling dominates. AIBU to say the sibling shouldn't always tag along. None of the other parents do this on playdates.

Yes exactly, if everyone did it I'd get it, but it's only this one parent. And like I said the father is at home so it's not a childcare issue. I wouks just think it's also nice for siblings to get some time on their own occasionally

I think many are being obtuse tbh.

If my 4 year old is invited on a playdate, I WOULD NOT automatically think, I'll just take along my 8 year old and they can play too.

I'd take the 8 year old to do something else and let the Mum who's hosting to supervise the little ones.

What am I missing here, people seem so vehement that it's not rude to insert a sibling into the invitation.

You think it’s weird for a 7yo to play with a 4yo sibling in their own home?!

I only have one child and think you’re being bonkers! Play dates are for the kids to have a good time at that age, they don’t need to bond one on one that will progress naturally over time

Your 7 yo doesn't play independently by themselves for an hour while you are nearby?

But don’t know for certain the father is available to look after the 7yo?

Op honestly get a grip of your comments. All children like to play... 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 year olds can all play together and over the years many play dates have I seen this. On top of everything else now you want us to believe this is weird. Whats weird is how obsessed you are and making up a whole backstory that the younger one is shy because of the older sibling. Like seriously you sound more childish then the kids on the play date. Don't invite them out again. End of.

If the 7yo "dominates" - does that just means plays with both children? Is there something really wrong with your 3yo playing more with one child than their Designated Friend?

Don't get me wrong, I can see that you find it annoying, but the source of annoyance seems to be the Wrong Child Playing?

Sometimes shy children feel safer/happier with a leading friend/sibling.

You don’t think a 7 year old would play with 3/4 year olds in their own home. Do you think they’d just ignore them?

This is the age gap between my children and our eldest always played with his younger siblings.

As she's done it once - or now several times, it's the norm that elder sibling comes too - it's not going to stop unless you have a conversation with her about it.

Say the younger one deems comfortable now, why doesn't she leave him and have 1:1 time with the older child.

The "PFB" comments suggest bitterness towards those who have not opted to juggle multiple children.
So what if the OP is clueless about how difficult it is to balance the needs of a seven year old and a three year old? Maybe she doesn't ever want to be a referee of multiples herself, or she wants her son to enjoy this period of not having a sibling where activities can be focused on him.

I'm getting confused now, I thought you were going to softplays and parks? In which case I think its unfair to expect the 7 year old to not join in

If you are going to the house of the 7 year old then you are saying that you expect them to stay in their room and play alone so your child can have 1 on 1 with the silbing

You can't control the actions of a 7 year old, if my eldest saw my youngest having fun with a friend they would want to join in and the other way round too.

Now if I've missed the point and the mum is bringing both the siblings to your house where she hasn't asked if that's okay, then I think its fair for you to request the eldest isn't included however expect that the playdates will stop if she hasn't got childcare support

If i am “nearby” then surely i am supervising in some way?

@Isitreallysohard

You definitely have never had a 7 year old.

Good luck for the future with your attitudes.

That’s so judgemental 🤣🤣🤣 you clearly only have the one DC.

What if the dad works weekends? Or what if she wants to spend time with BOTH her DC. I’m not being funny but unless someone exclusively said to me ‘I want the kids to play 1:1 (which would be a weird request IMO, I probably wouldn’t come as I’d assume you have a problem with my other kid), I would always bring my other DC.

Erm I've literally said none of the other DC friends do this who do have multiple siblings. Anyway, I think people are purposely choosing to read what they want so I'll head off now. Thanks for all those who has something constructive or helpful to say!

Again have said the dad is home 😒

Just because other mums can manage to find someone to look after siblings means nothing OP. We are not all the same.

Hopefully you’ve taken on board the comments by those that think YABU as it’s the majority on here ie 62%

so if, perchance, you had 4 children, you would always take them all to every playdate each of them is invited to, unless the host asked for a 1:1?

Ok fine. But maybe the mother wants to spend time with both her kids, I would. Any time outside of school / work is sacred to me. If the kid was 10+ I’d get it.

So your DC has a nice time playing with a slightly older kid and you see that as a bit pointless. If I was their mother I might try and fix the situation for my own child if I could as it sounds like they are getting left out - but your child is not so why are you upset. In general, any play date for kids I would personally assume was a play date for all kids that were too young to look after themselves - though I might check / bring an activity for the older kid to keep them busy.

OP, I was actually backing you up. I think it's ridiculous that people are labelling you PFB for not enjoying the seven year old coming along.
I don't personally understand how difficult it is to balance what a 3 year old Vs 7 year old wants to do, and I don't ever WANT to understand, which is why I am sticking at one.

the popularity or prevalence of an opinion doesn't automatically make it correct 😉

Well I don’t have 4 children, and neither does the parent in OP by the sounds of it. And at that age I would bring them both, yeah.

I actually do understand this from the other perspective - I have a DD6, when I invite her friend (also dd6) over the mum brings her ds3. He disrupts the girls and my house!!

I wouldn’t mind if I was warned or even could go to their house as he will have his toys etc but it is frustrating !

I agree that she should of course ask.

I would always give a head's up. If asked for a playdate with my toddler, I would say "why don't you come to us as my older one will be around too?" I would probably refuse an invite for the younger one in someone else's home and say "sorry, I'll have my older one then as well". They'd then be able to say "ok then" or "happy for you to bring both", whichever suited best.

I think it's a stage of life thing. My experience is that parents of my DC1's friends are much happier to have the little one around to play, even if their own children are older. Often a train track or box of toys will have been got out for DC2. Whereas parents of younger children only are often a bit on edge around older kids and expect more maturity from them than is necessarily going to happen.

For example, when DC2 was a baby and we had some of DC1's friends round, the whole lot of them were happy sat on the floor playing with all the baby toys, ignoring all the "big kid" stuff. Children don't grow up as quickly as some people think.