Annoyed with mum bringing sibling to playdates

[Isitreallysohard]

My DC is almost 4 and has made a new friend so we have arranged a few playdates. Its starting to annoy me as the mum is bringing the older sibling, and not letting me know beforehand. The whole point of playdates to me is for the kids to bond 1:1, not to mention her DC is very shy so the sibling dominates. AIBU to say the sibling shouldn't always tag along. None of the other parents do this on playdates.

I think it depends what circles you move in. Mine love to have siblings come too - more kids to play with, and they learn from having an older or younger child to play with which gives them different roles and expands their social skills.

@Isitreallysohard why is the mum tagging along?????

You're hilarious OP.
Don't invite them again, they'll go somewhere else playing together, having fun.
That's the benefit of a sibling relationship.

They're almost 4

But they’re actually 3? Hence probably why the mum isn’t happy to drop off her ‘shy’ preschooler with ‘zero independence’ to an intense woman who is fixated on their children having ‘one on one time’ away to ‘deepen their relationship’ away from her main character 7 year old..

older and younger siblings are always at our playdates, never occurred to me they shouldn't be.
(not my children, I only have one)

that said, theyre also never at a house!

This.

Wow do this Mum a favour and just stop inviting her! At this age play dates are just as much about parents and families getting to know each other as the kids! You don’t seem like the kind of ‘friend’ this other mum is going to need or be so just cut them out now for her sake.

when my two were young they formed friendships with their siblings friends as much as their own and their friends siblings too! Way more harmonious as we all get together as families now (years later), have spent time away with each other and just enjoy each others company - all the siblings (a variety of ages) are friends!

The mum is “tagging along” because these children are 3 years old ffs!

I can see the issue here.

If you put a 7yo in with two 4yos then they will dominate naturally. They will follow what the 7yo wants to do.
I've got a 3 year age gap and, let's just say dd2 had ds' friends (who were of the run round and play wild games type) sitting down playing dolls tea parties when they were about 5 and she was 8.
It wasn't that they liked that sort of game, but the older child is able to dominate in a way that changes the dynamics.

Equally well if dd2 joined in dd1 and friend's games at similar sort of age it changed what they were doing - they wouldn't for example do a board game/craft she wasn't up to.

In some ways that was the worst age gap for this, because closer together and they don't have the superior age which makes them feel grown up so the younger ones do what they want, and further apart and they're much more sensitive to not dominating but assisting.
Dd1 and ds worked much better in that way as dd1 & friends could work it out so they did what they wanted and made allowances he didn't notice, and the other way round she'd be more like a teacher guiding than joining in.

So what I always did when I was in the situation that I had to bring another child to a playdate, I'd bring something for the other one to do quietly - and tell them in advance that's what they were going to do.
If they were invited to join in by the other side, that was fine (normally - I had one particular pairing that really didn't work with), but they shouldn't join in without that. That worked well, and I always had something that the one on their own would enjoy.

This!

OP Do this woman a favour and stop inviting her I’m sure in the long run this will be much better for both of you

If the Mum is staying so can supervise the older sibling I wouldn't personally have a problem as it may be she is unable to find someone to mind them. However, if it is a drop off play date it is rude for her to expect you to entertain the uninvited child.

Maybe I feel differently now as before the playdates were really the mums with the kids joining in, but now the kids have made their own friends so they're choosing who they want playdates with and the mums are just tagging along. Although we are now starting to drop them off as they're becoming more independent so maybe that will be the norm soon

Thanks, someone who gets it 🙂

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old and my DH works most weekends so I would also need to bring both children along. If only it was as easy as just being able to coordinate 2 play dates at the same time. Life doesn't work like that.

@Isitreallysohard

Very surprised that many of the replies think you are being "unreasonable"

It's like arranging a meet-up with a friend and then that friend decides to bring their child or another friend. The dynamic completely changes.

You are definitely not being the selfish one here!

Thank you!! 😊

I agree with this, a domineering older sibling can seriously inhibit a younger child's development. Many years ago my cousin took her youngest of 3 sons to the GP because his speech wasn't developing, the first thing the doctor said was If the older boys ask for a drink, biscuit, whatever, does he get one too? and she said Of course! There's the answer, he doesn't need to speak, she stopped always giving him something automatically and his speech soon caught up!

It isn't though because playdates where you stay and chat are just as much about the friendship between the two adults as it is about the kids. I can't think of anything less fun than sitting round someone's house for ages for the sake of two young kids. At the park or public space, I don't mind as much because then I can accommodate my other kids and there's no one " in charge".

I’ve never met anyone who demands sibling free play dates. Don’t worry

YABU and quite controlling. Play dates for 3 year olds as I remember are more about a bit of company for mums and kids keeping each other occupied. It's good for kids to mix with different personalities and ages it's one 7 year old not like she bringing 5 kids to run riot in your house. If you invited me and told me I couldn't bring 1 of my kids I wouldn't be coming

IME the point of drop off playdates are for the children to play and the point of stay playdates are for adults to chat. Three year olds love older kids and a seven year old happy to dominate rather than get bored with them would be a major attraction!

But you missed the point. If you were meeting your friend and they brought another friend it would change the dynamic

If you carry on micro managing your child's friendships like this you won't need to worry about stuff like this. Most sensible parents will be backing away from you at a rate of knots

How can you compare young children to grown adults? What do you expect her to do? Leave her other child at home alone?

lol seriously? How many children do you have?